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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Was there a spark here?

90 replies

Wastheresomething · 10/04/2025 14:45

Hi all.

Man here, hope this is okay.

So I am a university student who had a morning off the other day, and thought I would go and grab a coffee at the Costa in our local shopping centre. Had my phone with me and thought I would sit and watch a few TikTok's and videos and generally relax.

I walk through the entrance, which is open-plan, as it is in a shopping centre so you can simply walk in and out, am sure you have seen the type. I walk in and look for a free table, there a few mums with buggies chatting and older couples, typical for this kind of day in coffee shops.

I find a free table and sit facing inwards towards the cafe, and the majority of the tables, and from the minute I sit down I notice this young woman looking at me (she is facing outwards on a single table, I am facing inwards a few tables down) but we are clearly in each other's eye line despite the other tables around us full of people.

From the minute we made eye contact I couldn't help but notice how beautiful she was. Being honest with you, once our eyes met I felt these amazing butterflies inside and almost felt slightly giddy! I can't remember the last time I felt this way looking at a woman.

Anyway, I add sugar to my coffee and begin to eat my cake, sitting and scrolling on my phone, and a couple of minutes later I look up and scan the room aimlessly, and in doing so our eyes meet again. Neither of us smiled (I was definitely too nervous to) but I just felt something. Our eyes met and neither of us looked away, or looked freaked out, or anything like that, it just felt like we were both experiencing "a moment`".

She was sitting working on her laptop, I am assuming she was a uni student as she looked a similar age to me, but could also be working (not as a student, I only make that assumption as it is a student town and her age, which looked similar to mine).

As the minutes go by, and I eat my cake and drink my coffee, it just seemed that more and more, we were taking every opportunity to make eye contact across the room. A couple of times I pretended to just be looking around, but in reality was trying to make eye contact, and every time our eyes met, they met. Neither of us looked away instinctively.

If anyone has ever had a moment like this before, you will relate to my thought process of "how can I approach her? Will I never see her again?" We made eye contact a few more times again as I was finishing my coffee and begun a phone conversation with a family member, and this time I physically blushed. She didn't , but I would be surprised if she didn't notice!

Midway through the phone conversation, I looked up for her again, and we had another few-second moment. Little did I know this would be the last time - as the person I was on the phone with asked me to read something from a book I had with me, and whilst doing this I did not notice that she had finished her coffee and food, had packed her laptop up, and had left.

Due to the time of day, if she was a uni student, it is likely that she was on her way there.

However, in hindsight, I do wonder whether or not you feel we had a connection. Obviously 'love at first sight' is impossible as we don't know each other, however I truly believe we had a connection you don't have with the vast majority of strangers you see.
If that was the case, and she liked the look of me too, I can't think of how either of us could have approached each other in a busy Costa setting? How could that have happened?

This whole situation happened over the course of 45 minutes or so.

Whatever it was or it wasn't, I haven't been able to stop thinking about it over the past few days and hope that we will see each other in some future context if anything was meant to be.

Enjoy the sunshine everyone!

OP posts:
scantbe · 10/04/2025 15:38

I think we've all had these moments OP, it's OK and normal to linger on these things.

If you see her again you can absolutely approach her and strike up a normal conversation.

The trouble with meeting/noticing people once is that we can get very fixated on them because we don't really know them so we construct this idea of a perfect, flawless person.

I had a friend who met a man in a bar and fixated on him for years, would always mention him, kick herself for not getting his number etc. They met again about 3 years later and started dating and he was an absolute knobhead!

JaneJeffer · 10/04/2025 15:39

Wastheresomething · 10/04/2025 15:23

I won't apologise for reminiscing over a nice moment.

Nor should you but have you considered that she may be shortsighted and couldn’t even see you properly 🤓

Wastheresomething · 10/04/2025 15:41

JaneJeffer · 10/04/2025 15:39

Nor should you but have you considered that she may be shortsighted and couldn’t even see you properly 🤓

She wore glasses so I'm sure she could see me just fine😆You know when someone can see you properly

OP posts:
IdaGlossop · 10/04/2025 15:47

loropianalover · 10/04/2025 15:05

This is so many words for ‘kept making eye contact with a girl in Costa, fancied her, did she fancy me?’

Hopefully it’s not creative writing you’re doing in uni!

Précis is a great skill to have 😆

loropianalover · 10/04/2025 15:51

Wastheresomething · 10/04/2025 15:23

I won't apologise for reminiscing over a nice moment.

Nobody requested an apology? My point is that there was no moment - you made eye contact with someone, we all make eye contact with lots of people throughout the day. You’ve completely made up a ‘could be would be’ scenario that nothing will ever come of - why not channel that energy into your actual life and actually making friends/connections.

Wastheresomething · 10/04/2025 15:54

loropianalover · 10/04/2025 15:51

Nobody requested an apology? My point is that there was no moment - you made eye contact with someone, we all make eye contact with lots of people throughout the day. You’ve completely made up a ‘could be would be’ scenario that nothing will ever come of - why not channel that energy into your actual life and actually making friends/connections.

Perhaps you haven't experienced it, but some people have. It is more than 'just eye contact' when you are there and feel something you think is mutual. I have plenty of time to make new connections, but in my free time on this sunny afternoon, wanted to share this one.

OP posts:
WhereIsMyJumper · 10/04/2025 15:56

Just go back a few times more, you may see her again. If you do, talk to her. Simple. Sounds like she fancied you to me

WhereIsMyJumper · 10/04/2025 15:56

Ah I miss the days when I used to believe in romance.

IdaGlossop · 10/04/2025 15:58

@Wastheresomething I think you deserve respect for asking a women's forum how to approach women. If you've got the courage to do that, you can certainly open up a conversation with a stranger.

Not everyone finds it easy to talk to strangers, especially after a moment like the one you describe. My DD, 22, is aghast at some the conversations I have had with complete strangers over the years. Talking to strangers is a skill you can learn. Why not find a speed dating event to give you a bit of practice? You have nothing to lose and may meet someone you like 🤩

Wastheresomething · 10/04/2025 16:07

IdaGlossop · 10/04/2025 15:58

@Wastheresomething I think you deserve respect for asking a women's forum how to approach women. If you've got the courage to do that, you can certainly open up a conversation with a stranger.

Not everyone finds it easy to talk to strangers, especially after a moment like the one you describe. My DD, 22, is aghast at some the conversations I have had with complete strangers over the years. Talking to strangers is a skill you can learn. Why not find a speed dating event to give you a bit of practice? You have nothing to lose and may meet someone you like 🤩

I saw it as common sense to ask a women's forum to be honest!😅 I wanted to know:
a) whether women felt the attraction was mutual
b) whether it was okay to go to her table and approach her (if a similar scenario occurred in the future
c) the best way to start a conversation in that context

I wouldn't get great advice asking most men these things😂

OP posts:
vapourtrail · 10/04/2025 16:09

Maybe next time go over and say Sorry, random question, but are you at XXX uni, you look familiar to me? She says No, you say Oh ok, do you go to uni around here, do you mind if I sit down? And away you go, or she says Yes, you say Oh ok, what are you studying, do you mind if I sit down... The main thing is not to act like it is a big deal, because either way it really isn't, and if you keep it light and breezy it won't be intimidating for you or for her. Good luck!

WhereIsMyJumper · 10/04/2025 16:31

Wastheresomething · 10/04/2025 16:07

I saw it as common sense to ask a women's forum to be honest!😅 I wanted to know:
a) whether women felt the attraction was mutual
b) whether it was okay to go to her table and approach her (if a similar scenario occurred in the future
c) the best way to start a conversation in that context

I wouldn't get great advice asking most men these things😂

Don’t overthink it and try not to be contrived. Just go and say hi and introduce yourself. If the feeling is mutual, she will be just glad you came over to speak to her

Arlanymor · 10/04/2025 16:31

If you're too nervous to approach there is nothing wrong with writing a quick note and popping it on to her table before you leave. My first ever boyfriend (many moons ago) was too nervous to approach me and so wrote me a message on the inside of my school folder when I was in the library and had got up to look for a book. He put his phone number and a nice message in French (he was half French and heck it was just romantic too anyway right?!) And we dated for 8 years. Faint heart never won fair maid and all that...

AgnesX · 10/04/2025 16:37

If I was the girl and read this I'd be cringing with embarrassment frankly.

Wastheresomething · 10/04/2025 16:39

WhereIsMyJumper · 10/04/2025 16:31

Don’t overthink it and try not to be contrived. Just go and say hi and introduce yourself. If the feeling is mutual, she will be just glad you came over to speak to her

It's quite sweet to think she would just be glad I went over to be honest😊

OP posts:
TheArcher · 10/04/2025 16:40

There’s probably a girl somewhere posting about the creepy dude in the cafe who kept staring at her.

Wastheresomething · 10/04/2025 16:40

AgnesX · 10/04/2025 16:37

If I was the girl and read this I'd be cringing with embarrassment frankly.

Well that's you. I can think of things I'd rather cringe over quite frankly

OP posts:
Wastheresomething · 10/04/2025 16:42

TheArcher · 10/04/2025 16:40

There’s probably a girl somewhere posting about the creepy dude in the cafe who kept staring at her.

I won't bite. Most on here understand the situation and know there was nothing 'creepy' at all. From a romance point of view, how do you think humans first notice each other?

OP posts:
Shirkingly · 10/04/2025 16:42

Wastheresomething · 10/04/2025 16:39

It's quite sweet to think she would just be glad I went over to be honest😊

Well, she might be delighted. She might not be, but that’s just life, and the risk you take when you ask someone out. Next time it happens, or if you see her around again, take the risk.

TheArcher · 10/04/2025 16:44

Wastheresomething · 10/04/2025 16:42

I won't bite. Most on here understand the situation and know there was nothing 'creepy' at all. From a romance point of view, how do you think humans first notice each other?

It definitely sounds creepy af. She was wondering why you kept staring.

AgnesX · 10/04/2025 16:46

Wastheresomething · 10/04/2025 16:40

Well that's you. I can think of things I'd rather cringe over quite frankly

If I thought that some guy who kept on catching my eye thought that I was encouraging him and that we were having a moment I'd definitely be cringe.

Did she smile? No. If she was keen she'd have smiled. This sounds like someone's attempt at romantic fiction.

coxesorangepippin · 10/04/2025 16:47

Oh god

Man here
Just no, get over yourself

Wastheresomething · 10/04/2025 16:48

TheArcher · 10/04/2025 16:44

It definitely sounds creepy af. She was wondering why you kept staring.

Edited

So, if you were in a bar, or in any other social place where men and women sometimes meet, would you still find it 'creepy af' if a men and women kept locking eyes? Personally, I would find it 'creepy af' if I was approached by someone that had never looked anywhere near me, and did not look at me as they did so. THAT would be 'creepy af'.

Many on here met their husbands through lots of eye contact first, followed by an approach. That is called romance. That is how it works.

It would be creepy af if I approached, she said no, and I didn't accept that.

OP posts:
Wastheresomething · 10/04/2025 16:49

AgnesX · 10/04/2025 16:46

If I thought that some guy who kept on catching my eye thought that I was encouraging him and that we were having a moment I'd definitely be cringe.

Did she smile? No. If she was keen she'd have smiled. This sounds like someone's attempt at romantic fiction.

Not everybody smiles when nervous. People are different. There is no 'one size fits all approach'.

OP posts:
TheArcher · 10/04/2025 16:49

Wastheresomething · 10/04/2025 16:48

So, if you were in a bar, or in any other social place where men and women sometimes meet, would you still find it 'creepy af' if a men and women kept locking eyes? Personally, I would find it 'creepy af' if I was approached by someone that had never looked anywhere near me, and did not look at me as they did so. THAT would be 'creepy af'.

Many on here met their husbands through lots of eye contact first, followed by an approach. That is called romance. That is how it works.

It would be creepy af if I approached, she said no, and I didn't accept that.

Romance? She didn’t even smile at you. Have you ever even kissed a girl?