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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Taking DSD on holiday - Mum doesn't like the plan

26 replies

KateERxx · 10/04/2025 14:13

DH & I would like to take DSD (11) abroad next August (yes 2026!). I know it seems a long way off but costs are so expensive so we want time to save. DH has DSD every other weekend Fri-Tues plus every Monday. We would like to take her for a week but we would be going Sat-Sat landing late, so effectively would be dropping back DSD on the Sunday late morning over her Mum's weekend.

DH sent an email informing her of our holiday intentions to check she didn't have anything planned this week herself, and she has come back and said she doesn't want to miss out on a weekend with DSD in the summer as they usually get up to lots of things and we will need to go instead mid week, so Wed-Wed over his weekend as this is the only other day the flights are to this particular destination. DH is a bit miffed at this, as it means taking 7 days of AL due to his shift work, instead of 5, and for some reason is going to cost an extra £400 to do this (same hotel).

I know this isn't his exes problem and DSD would still be getting a holiday, but is it really so unreasonable for him to have DSD over a couple of weekends in the Summer with over a years notice? This is the first time he's asked anything like this so we aren't sure how to handle it.

Any advice/suggestions welcome. Please be kind!

OP posts:
AllotmentTime · 10/04/2025 14:17

In order:

  1. offer to trade for a weekend the Mum is not scheduled to have her, so she's not missing out a weekend

  2. point out that it's good to be flexible and you'll also try to accommodate requests from her when you can

  3. give up and go for Wed-Wed, and have your "nope that's our weekend sorry" ready for when she wants YOU to move dates, and she will realise she's shot herself in the foot.

FinallyHere · 10/04/2025 14:19

He emailed to check his plan would work, as a change to the usual arrangements. Turns out it doesn’t work so now he can find something that does work.

seems pretty straightforward to me.

Buttonknot · 10/04/2025 14:19

First post nails it.

HenDoNot · 10/04/2025 14:22

YANBU

But I would move the holiday by a week so it doesn’t happen over mum’s weekend, or suck it up and go Wednesday to Wednesday.

And at the point where mum is asking for a one-off change in the usual arrangements (because that will happen at some point over the next however many years) she can be told to fuck off.

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 10/04/2025 14:23

AllotmentTime · 10/04/2025 14:17

In order:

  1. offer to trade for a weekend the Mum is not scheduled to have her, so she's not missing out a weekend

  2. point out that it's good to be flexible and you'll also try to accommodate requests from her when you can

  3. give up and go for Wed-Wed, and have your "nope that's our weekend sorry" ready for when she wants YOU to move dates, and she will realise she's shot herself in the foot.

Edited

First reply nails it.

toomuchfaff · 10/04/2025 14:23

Yeah retract the holiday and then offer to do some weekend swaps, so you then have a couple of options where you can go away and mum doesn't 'lose" a weekend

Smartiepants79 · 10/04/2025 14:26

It astounds me that any one would be so petty and see their child miss out on a lovely holiday abroad.
Surely a swap would be acceptable. She may regret being so inflexible some time soon.

Original poster
KateERxx · 10/04/2025 14:30

Thanks everyone for your replies!

I will certainly say to DH about offering to swap a weekend. Also just realised that the Sunday we'd be dropping her back is bank holiday weekend, so she'd be getting 2 days anyway...might get DH to mention that in his email in case she hasn't realised as this does all seem a bit ridiculous for 1 Saturday.

OP posts:
nomas · 10/04/2025 14:34

FinallyHere · 10/04/2025 14:19

He emailed to check his plan would work, as a change to the usual arrangements. Turns out it doesn’t work so now he can find something that does work.

seems pretty straightforward to me.

He asked if they had plans that weekend. The ex doesn’t have plans, she just wants to keep it free.

She can be a pain in the arse but she should remember that she will need a favour too one day.

Sounds like she just wants to piss all over their chips.

LookingAtMyBhunas · 10/04/2025 14:36

FinallyHere · 10/04/2025 14:19

He emailed to check his plan would work, as a change to the usual arrangements. Turns out it doesn’t work so now he can find something that does work.

seems pretty straightforward to me.

But it only doesn't work because the mum is being petty af.

Justme2023123 · 10/04/2025 14:43

KateERxx · 10/04/2025 14:30

Thanks everyone for your replies!

I will certainly say to DH about offering to swap a weekend. Also just realised that the Sunday we'd be dropping her back is bank holiday weekend, so she'd be getting 2 days anyway...might get DH to mention that in his email in case she hasn't realised as this does all seem a bit ridiculous for 1 Saturday.

It's not one Saturday though, it's the Friday evening, all day Saturday and then the Sunday morning. If it's a flight, your SD is likely to be tired too so it's not like her mum can make plans for their afternoon together.

I've been the mum in this scenario except that my ex doesn't ask permission, he books and then tells me that he's taking half of my weekend with the kids.

Asking for a weekend swap would be reasonable though. As was everything the first reply said.

Shitmonger · 10/04/2025 14:44

I agree with offering another weekend and pointing out that it is a bank holiday.

I also strongly suspect that by the time 2026 rolls around and your stepdaughter is 12/13 this will be a moot point. She’s probably not going to want to be running around with mum all weekend at that age and in fact her mum might be glad that the long weekend is being shortened by a day. 😂

Bobbybobbins · 10/04/2025 14:57

Mum is being petty. Offering to swap a weekend us a great idea.

UndermyShoeJoe · 10/04/2025 15:03

I mean returning an overtired child on the Sunday morning probably doesn’t feel like a great idea to her.

Offer to swap a weekend or change it to the wed-wed.

All this she doesn’t have plans… she does she has plans to spend time with her child that’s a plan. Much like when posters are told wanting to just be home alone relaxing is a plan when others try to intrude onto their time because they have no plans.

Original poster
KateERxx · 10/04/2025 15:04

UndermyShoeJoe · 10/04/2025 15:03

I mean returning an overtired child on the Sunday morning probably doesn’t feel like a great idea to her.

Offer to swap a weekend or change it to the wed-wed.

All this she doesn’t have plans… she does she has plans to spend time with her child that’s a plan. Much like when posters are told wanting to just be home alone relaxing is a plan when others try to intrude onto their time because they have no plans.

I get that, but can't divorced parents ever take their kids on a 2 week holiday? 😳

OP posts:
UndermyShoeJoe · 10/04/2025 15:06

KateERxx · 10/04/2025 15:04

I get that, but can't divorced parents ever take their kids on a 2 week holiday? 😳

Show quote history

You’d hope so if they want to. You’ve just got to negotiate the swaps.

Starlight1984 · 10/04/2025 15:07

UndermyShoeJoe · 10/04/2025 15:03

I mean returning an overtired child on the Sunday morning probably doesn’t feel like a great idea to her.

Offer to swap a weekend or change it to the wed-wed.

All this she doesn’t have plans… she does she has plans to spend time with her child that’s a plan. Much like when posters are told wanting to just be home alone relaxing is a plan when others try to intrude onto their time because they have no plans.

I mean returning an overtired child on the Sunday morning probably doesn’t feel like a great idea to her.

She will be 12 years old and it's the summer holidays.... 🙄

nomas · 10/04/2025 15:11

UndermyShoeJoe · 10/04/2025 15:03

I mean returning an overtired child on the Sunday morning probably doesn’t feel like a great idea to her.

Offer to swap a weekend or change it to the wed-wed.

All this she doesn’t have plans… she does she has plans to spend time with her child that’s a plan. Much like when posters are told wanting to just be home alone relaxing is a plan when others try to intrude onto their time because they have no plans.

OP has said the next day is a bank holiday.

sparkellie · 10/04/2025 15:12

It being a bank holiday weekend means she is more likely to want to do something with her DD, especially if she works in the week.
I think offering a weekend swap is the way to go. Are there any alternative arrangements over holidays (so does your DP have his DD every other week) or do you usually stick to weekends and Mondays? It's hard to work out exactly what changes you would be making to the standard agreement as you seem to be taking her for a week anyway, so would he usually have her on the Monday or not?

Thistooshallpass. · 10/04/2025 15:12

She is being very unreasonable. It’s one weekend and you are giving over a years notice ! Also thinking of herself rather than how much the child will be enjoying a holiday .

JudgeJ · 10/04/2025 15:15

FinallyHere · 10/04/2025 14:19

He emailed to check his plan would work, as a change to the usual arrangements. Turns out it doesn’t work so now he can find something that does work.

seems pretty straightforward to me.

Hopefully if the mother ever wants to rejig the arrangements No will be the answer she gets.

Eggsboxedandmelting · 10/04/2025 15:18

When I had a dsd her dm refused to allow her to holiday with us as it wasn't fair she wouldn't see her having fun.. Then went nuts when we took just my dc... Dh could never win. She refused dsd to be a bridesmaid at our wedding so we got dresses for my 2 dds.. Dsd turned up with mil in full outfit and her dm went nuts her dress wasn't the same colour as my dd's... She set dh up to fail at every turn..

..

SnemonyLicket · 10/04/2025 15:20

Yeah she’s had her nose pushed out of joint and so she’s being petty af. Imagine being the sort of parent who would begrudge their child a holiday just to get one over on their father and step-mother.

Ponderingwindow · 10/04/2025 15:21

Offer to trade some time.

be honest and admit that it is cheaper to travel those dates, plus the use of annual leave.

this one depends on her personality. Suggest he splits the cost savings with her. So give her 200 to use during one of those fun summer weekends or the time they swap. My XH and I used to be very pragmatic like this. We were both better off so compromise was easier.

UrsulaBelle · 10/04/2025 15:33

I had a very acrimonious divorce, but I never ever stood in the way of my exH taking my DSes on holiday. I used to take the opportunity to go on a solo holiday myself as it was much cheaper than taking my 3 DSes abroad. Win/win as far as I was concerned. I hope you can negotiate something. A swap of weekends sounds a good idea. Or just an offer to be flexible in return on other occasions of her choice.

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