Forgot his 50th birthday!!

[SillyMeBusyBe]

Long distance bfrs birthday was Monday and completely forgot!!! He called me part way through the day and asked if I had remembered and I died inside. I'm still feeling sick about it 3 days later. The guilt is insane. He said he is ok with it but it's seriously not ok. Yes I've got alot on, solo parent, working full time and studying for PhD. He lives in US so is a few hours behind, so assume he wanted to wake up with something from me planned but nothing. I didn't even say good morning, I was absolutely rushed off my feet that morning with easter holiday and getting to work. I feel so incredibly bad I could cry. How can I possibly even make it up to him? I sent something via amazon but it feels like aast minute thing. Planning to visit during summer hols and honestly will have to make it up then. I feel so incredibly guilty.

I find it impossible to remember important dates. The way I manage it is to set up reminders in my digital calendar so that it sends me an email a month in advance asking if I've found a card and present yet for the upcoming birthday. Then a fortnight before reminding me again, especially if the present and card need to be be delivered by post. Then the evening before just as a headsup, and finally on the morning of the day itself reminding me to phone and offer congratulations.

It has removed a lot of unnecessary guilt from my life. To those saying you can't care about him if you failed to remember, how fortunate you are to remain so clear headed and never lose sight of the order of priority. Some of us are naturally more prone to being easily distracted, it doesn't mean we are less affectionate and loving.

He’s not your boyfriend. He is a guy you’ve met twice and now you’re both conducting some fantasy relationship over text from the other side of the world. And you’re only going to see each other a few times a year at most so… he isn’t your boyfriend. You’re too old for make believe. Or what? Are you going to leave your kids and move to the US? Is he going to move here?

You’re literally not having a relationship. To have one, one of you needs to move. This isn’t real. You forgot a big milestone birthday, which I’m sure he was talking about, so you’re not even that into him. You’re not a priority to each other because you’re strangers. Grow up a bit.

Not unreasonable to forget the birthday of someone you have only met twice.

You can plan something nice now if you want to and it would be very unreasonable of him to hold it against you for long given the circumstances.

To be fair OP, you hardly know this man! He’s not really your ‘boyfriend’…you’ve met him TWICE and he lives in a different county.

Honestly…don’t beat yourself up about this 🤷‍♀️

You're not in a relationship if you've only met twice. Get real.

It's 6 months and you've only met twice, and also you've been feeling sick about it for three days?!

Be so for real here. This is barely 'friend' category let along 'boyfriend'. Christ alive.

I'm not exactly sure why there seems to be an issue accepting that we are in a LDR of 6 months, but I do appreciate the clarity provided by those who understand the situation a bit more holistically. He isn't holding it over me and is very understanding. I just feel bad.

People who have been in an established relationship who then have to move apart for a while are in a long distance relationship.

You do not have a relationship. You’ve met the guy twice. It’s fantasy. You’re not a teenager, you’re an adult with children. Stop living in a make believe story. It’s just a guy you have an online relationship with and will very likely only see a couple of times a year.

Is he even your boyfriend?

Agree with this. I think it’s one thing to have a long distance relationship with a partner who you were together with for some time before e.g. a job move necessitated distance for a while. This isn’t that: developing a brand new relationship with somebody who you’ll only see for a few days a year is virtually impossible. Long distance is hard. It’s hard even if you’re young and single and a bit footloose. You’re a lone parent with all the commitments that brings. What you’ll ultimately be is penpals who meet up to see each for a few days and have sex a couple of times a year.

I have a longstanding friend with benefits of about a decade who lives in NYC. The reason it’s had longevity is because we were always transparent that it was never going to be a relationship for us: we knew neither of us would ever realistically be able or willing to give up our respective lives in NYC and London, and neither of us wanted the stress of trying treat somebody who was fundamentally peripheral to our lives through their distance as a main character. There’s just too much stuff like this where you can’t beat yourself up for forgetting what’s going on in the other’s life or not “being there for each other”, because you don’t have the history, those natural touch points and that physical and emotional proximity that a normal relationship does. If you’re determined to keep at this, that’s the position you need to acknowledge.

The "main character" take is definitely one I will explore more, as it's absolutely correct.

You hardly know the man. Why would you remember his birthday? Don't worry about it, you can't 'make up for' this kind of thing, just see where the relationship goes.

Oh - I said YABU but honestly how much headspace can a guy you've spent time with twice occupy in your mind? How is this long distance thing working out?

Hes your pen pal not your boyfriend. You live in different continents and you forgot his birthday. You are a stranger and thinking you can organise a party for him is bonkers. You don’t know him let alone his friends