AIBU to overthink this?

[sushiandarollie]

We have a couple friend (DH friend & his wife) who we usually see once a year , I don’t have much of a social circle and I really get on with the wife. This year they missed our LO birthday, which I can overlook as there’s a lot and sometimes a birthday gets missed. But then they didn’t thank us for our gift to their LO for their birthday then didn’t say happy birthday to DH and now haven’t thanked us for our birthday message to one of them. They’ve recently had another child but aibu that doesn’t mean it’s ok to be a little rude? I’m not after a card or anything, just a thank you message. We’re struggling to have any more children while they’ve had theirs and they haven’t asked how we are either.
I feel I’m overthinking a lot of friends recently and feeling increasingly frustrated how friends are ignoring or being distant or just never putting the effort in. AIBU? I’m definitely not looking to not be friends but don’t know whether to let it all go either? DH is getting increasingly frustrated too.

Well there's not really enough information to know what's going on but I would say that if they've recently had a new baby there's every chance they're absolutely overwhelmed. Do you know how they're coping and if everything's OK? I hid post-natal depression well but I certainly couldn't handle normal relationships and friendships.

I mean yes, maybe they're being a bit rude but equally it sounds like they could just be totally absorbed or even drowning in their own shit.

What's LO ?

Little one, ie our children

They’ve recently had another child ....We’re struggling to have any more children while they’ve had theirs and they haven’t asked how we are either.

This is very self centred. They are probably drowning, new baby, no sleep, household in a mess, not knowing if its day or night type scenarios and you're wanting them to check you're OK due to your inability to conceive? I remember having a new baby and sometimes I didn't remember to brush my teeth never mind check on the mental well-being of couple friends who we saw ONCE A YEAR!

It is all consuming when you are TTC and seeing others having children, but they have a lot going on, and you are not high on their priorities. Rightly so, its not a personal affront, it's probably not intended. You need to manage your emotions better.

I think you’re being insanely demanding of a friendship with people you only see once a year, probably because, as you say yourself, you ‘don’t have much of a social circle.’ For comparison, I have lots of good friendships with people I see regularly, and not only do I have absolutely no idea of when their children’s birthdays are, I have no idea when most of their birthdays are.

When I had DS I had postnatal psychosis and believed the shadows on the floor were talking to me. I wasn’t answering phone calls and sending people birthday texts would not have even registered. I think you need to cut them major slack.

In your shoes, I’d concentrate on widening your circle. You’re expecting too much of this one pair of people.

I absolutely don’t mind them missing ours . But if I got a gift for my child’s birthday from someone , I would think to say thank you?

Look into "Let them" theory, Mel Robbins.

It's the theory that you cannot expect people to act/react how you would, they are not you, and you cannot control how they are, you can only control your response to how they act.

Let them be them, they are not you. They are living their life, their priorities, their decisions, their route, their path.

You need to understand what is in your realm and focus on that

yes I do wonder whether I am expecting too much, I think I’ve forgotten what the initial newborn phase is like (I’ve blocked it out I think 🤦‍♀️😂)

seems like you’re overthinking as you don’t have many friends so their friendship feels more important to you. You only see them once a year so you’re probably not as close friends as you feel you are?

likely!

I remember taking nearly 4 hours to get us both ready to go to the shop with newborn.. to get a loaf..

forget what they are doing, and focus on what you can impact, and focus on yourself and your dh. If you feel slighted, perhaps give them some slack, and instead think of something you and dh can do this weekend to make your weekend a nicer time.

If you get on with them so well why do you only see them once a year? When people are busy I think such infrequent friendships do tend to lapse.

We live a number of hours away from each other. And we’ve got children so usually once a year is all that can be planned with all our commitments and children’s hobbies etc

It's not so much as overthinking, as looking at the relationship through a very fixed lens of your own perspective. The baby really explains a lot, but it also sounds as if you expect them to be entirely the same as you: to prioritise birthdays, to communicate in messages a lot and to be looking for the same level of friendship.

If you want to expand your social circle, you need to be comfortable with friendships that are a little unbalanced, due to life circumstances. I have friends for whom I am more important to them than they are to me and I also have friends who have maintained a huge amount of close friends over their entire lives and are a bigger part of my life than I am in theirs. This is okay and natural - you cannot write someone off because they have lived in an area longer or are better at keeping friends, nor do you like someone better because they tend to fall out with people or have just moved house or anything else. Friendships are not filling vacancies, they start as simply two people liking each other and wanting to see each other more.

If you pull back from this friendship you will be cutting off your nose to spite your face. For your sake, spend a little time reflecting on what friendship might look like to them, what their life looks like (inc new baby) and how a friendship might actually grow if both perspectives were considered.

You get on well with the woman, what interactions have you enjoyed, is it mainly when you see her in person? If so, perhaps try to see her more than once a year instead of looking for more messages or specific replies from her. Then take it from there....