To withhold affection

Phonicshaskilledmeoff · 2025-04-10T07:16:21+00:00

My husband has a beard which he grew after we were married. I do not like beards but I agree with him that when kept neat it suits him. However, why won’t he just go to the barbers of his own accord?! Why do I have to nag and nag? On top of that, he’s supposed to take our sons with him when he goes, so they also look a shambles. He showers daily, so I know it’s clean but to me it just looks dirty and puts me off going anywhere near him. Also, now I’m having to ask him to brush his teeth! Apparently once a day is fine 🤦♀️. He’s beginning to get brown staining in the front and recently had 4 fillings which should be a clue. He is a wonderful father, hard worker and great husband in every other respect. Wtf do I do? I’ve had enough and told him I will no longer be nagging him but hi also won’t be going anywhere near him.

RobertaFirmino · 10/04/2025 08:25

My first thought is about using sex as a bargaining tool but then again, there's only one language some men understand. In any case, even if you don't care what your teeth look like, basic dental hygiene is good manners. Nobody likes to smell halitosis. Then there's the boys and even if he doesn't want any barbering, they deserve to be kept neat and tidy.

HoskinsChoice · 10/04/2025 08:40

This is two VERY different things.

The brushing teeth thing is disgusting, that's a deal breaker for me.

But the beard is personal choice and you are criticising his appearance. If he started nagging you about your weight or your hairstyle or your dress sense, you'd be up in arms - how dare he tell you how to look. You're doing the same. You need to back off.

Eenameenadeeka · 10/04/2025 09:46

Well he definitely needs to brush his teeth but that's pretty harsh to withhold affection because you don't like his beard. You don't sound like you like him very much.

DonnaBanana · 10/04/2025 09:51

He is brushing his teeth.

justanotherchangeofname · 10/04/2025 09:56

If it was just a case of "he likes his beard looking like that" I would say you need to back off, but from the other issues it just sounds like he's not arsed about hygiene or looking after himself rather than it being his chosen look! I don't think yabu at all, his decision to behave like a scruff, your decision to not have sex with a scruff 🤷🏻‍♀️ It's not like you want to be in that position is it!

IntheSpaghetti · 10/04/2025 10:51

DonnaBanana · 10/04/2025 09:51

He is brushing his teeth.

Brushing your teeth only once a day is gross. Nagging a grown man into basic hygiene is obviously going to a huge attraction killer.

JHound · 10/04/2025 10:55

I am surprised his teeth have deteriorated so quickly solely from going from x2 per day to 1x per day. Suggests he is brushing less frequently than that (if at all.)

Original poster

Phonicshaskilledmeoff · 11/04/2025 23:02

HoskinsChoice · 10/04/2025 08:40

This is two VERY different things.

The brushing teeth thing is disgusting, that's a deal breaker for me.

But the beard is personal choice and you are criticising his appearance. If he started nagging you about your weight or your hairstyle or your dress sense, you'd be up in arms - how dare he tell you how to look. You're doing the same. You need to back off.

But if I let my roots go, or failed to ever style it I don’t think that would be ok either. It’s not a case of style, it’s about being presentable. I don’t even have particularly high standards

OP posts:

Original poster

Phonicshaskilledmeoff · 11/04/2025 23:04

Eenameenadeeka · 10/04/2025 09:46

Well he definitely needs to brush his teeth but that's pretty harsh to withhold affection because you don't like his beard. You don't sound like you like him very much.

I like him very much, if he’s reasonably groomed. But I don’t think it’s ok to not go to the barbers for 8 weeks and not brush your teeth enough.

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Original poster

Phonicshaskilledmeoff · 11/04/2025 23:06

Eenameenadeeka · 10/04/2025 09:46

Well he definitely needs to brush his teeth but that's pretty harsh to withhold affection because you don't like his beard. You don't sound like you like him very much.

He’s had a beard for 6 years. It’s not the beard I object to per se, it’s that failure to groom his hair or beard and looking like a homeless person. I take issue with. It isn’t his chosen style, it’s his chosen laziness

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Teanbiscuits33 · 12/04/2025 06:05

You can’t tell him what to do with his own body as that is controlling but ultimately, if you don’t find him attractive with an unkempt beard and you really can’t live with it, then the appropriate course of action is to leave.

It always gets said on here that you can end a relationship for any reason you wish, and I’m sure if he was like he is now when you met you wouldn’t have dated him in the first place, neither would some others.

It might seem harsh and a lot of upheaval for a beard but you find it unattractive and it’s not changing. You only get to decide YOUR own reaction to that, not his. If I found my husband unattractive to the point I couldn’t bring myself to have sex with him, I’d have to leave eventually. He’s entitled to look how he wants, you’re entitled not to like it.

BlossomBlanket · 12/04/2025 06:11

HoskinsChoice · 10/04/2025 08:40

This is two VERY different things.

The brushing teeth thing is disgusting, that's a deal breaker for me.

But the beard is personal choice and you are criticising his appearance. If he started nagging you about your weight or your hairstyle or your dress sense, you'd be up in arms - how dare he tell you how to look. You're doing the same. You need to back off.

She has backed off. Right off.

TasWair · 12/04/2025 06:15

Phonicshaskilledmeoff · 11/04/2025 23:06

He’s had a beard for 6 years. It’s not the beard I object to per se, it’s that failure to groom his hair or beard and looking like a homeless person. I take issue with. It isn’t his chosen style, it’s his chosen laziness

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Like a homeless person?

I'd rather be with someone who has bits of egg in his beard and dirt under his fingernails than spend my life with someone who's so dismissive and cruel to an underprivileged section of society.

Passmetheaero · 12/04/2025 06:16

You’re getting some slightly harsh responses here, but for what it’s worth, I absolutely can’t stand beards. Massive ick. No matter how clean, to me they always look scruffy and dirty. They actually make me cringe. No doubt I’ll get some backlash here but ultimately it’s up to us what we find attractive / unattractive.

I’m on some dating apps at the moment and I would say 90-95% of the men on there (in the age bracket I’ve selected) have beards. Mind you, plenty of men on there also stipulate no ‘huge lips’, fillers etc for the women they’re looking for so they have their preferences too.

Original poster

Phonicshaskilledmeoff · 12/04/2025 16:26

TasWair · 12/04/2025 06:15

Like a homeless person?

I'd rather be with someone who has bits of egg in his beard and dirt under his fingernails than spend my life with someone who's so dismissive and cruel to an underprivileged section of society.

Show quote history

I mean, I wasn’t the one suggesting egg in beard and dirt under fingernails…..

But I’m certain you understood my sentiment. And by all means if that’s what you find attractive go for it.

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ExtraOnions · 12/04/2025 16:28

I’ve only brushed my teeth once a day my whole life. I have one filling, really strong teeth (as my dentist would confirm), and they are a lovely colour

Crushed23 · 12/04/2025 17:01

HoskinsChoice · 10/04/2025 08:40

This is two VERY different things.

The brushing teeth thing is disgusting, that's a deal breaker for me.

But the beard is personal choice and you are criticising his appearance. If he started nagging you about your weight or your hairstyle or your dress sense, you'd be up in arms - how dare he tell you how to look. You're doing the same. You need to back off.

I disagree that a beard is the same as a change in hairstyle or dress sense in a woman. It isn’t. A beard directly affects a woman - it changes the feel of kissing a man, it changes the feel of oral sex from a man, etc. OP is not BU for wanting her DH to ditch the beard.

Original poster

Phonicshaskilledmeoff · 14/04/2025 18:56

I don’t even particularly want him to ditch the beard, i just need him to visit the barbers and actually groom his beard and hair. It doesn’t feel like a lot to ask to me.

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AmusedGoose · 14/04/2025 19:03

You might have habits he doesn't like too! Regarding your kids, it can be a pain taking them on Saturdays plus it's expensive every 4 to 6 weeks probably £40 to £60 each time. Frankly leave him alone and he might improve but frankly you sound unkind.

Meadowfinch · 14/04/2025 19:07

Dirty teeth and poor oral hygiene would be a step too far for me. I'm not kissing anyone like that. The same with facial hair, it would need to be clean at least.

Are you 'withholding' affection or do you simply not feel the same desire. You can't help how you feel.

Can you tell him beards just aren't sexy, that his dirty teeth and scruffy bristle are turning you off sex. That should solve it 😁