AIBU to want more from a relationship HELP

[Ffsakexx]

Been with fiance 20 years, both 40, will refer to him as DH. We have 2 kids, 16 and 13. Fell pregnant after dating 1 year. I feel I need/want more/different from a relationship. I feel guilty even thinking it but I've felt like this for around 5 years now and no matter what i do or he does this feeling won't go away. Ive always pushed these feelings aside becuse i wanted the kids to grow up in a solid home but its getting too much to pretend im satisfied with this life anymore. He's a decent man, both work and chores and cooking etc is 50/50, he's faithful, he's kind and I love him....but.... I don't think I'm in love with him anymore. I don't fancy him, I don't want to kiss him or be intimate with him. I dont get excited when i think of him and dont look forward to seeing him. As weve grew up our differences, outlooks, views on life are different. We're not friends, we don't laugh together or joke about, tbh we barely talk atall and we don't have any sexual chemistry. He thinks after a day or two of just speaking about kids, work etc but no hugging or no sitting next to me on sofa, not even a wink here or a touch there or you look beautiful or a full on conversation with fun, he thinks he can just say one night while sat on the other couch, hey ou fancy a bit! .... and I'm supposes to swoon. Its not just him though he can probably sense my reluctance. Tbh i dont even want him to touch me. Weve not slept in same bed for 10 years. We are more like roommates. The 1 thing stopping me from ending the relationship is what if I realise that what I have with him is the best im going to get, better than what's available or what I want/need I'm not going to find because everyone has their faults so be happy with what I've got. If I found a guy who I fancy and have sexual chemistry with and have fun and we are friends, that he might be a nobhead in other ways my DH isn't like he might not help round the house or always wants to go out drinking with hes friends etc. It's such a huge descision for the rest of my, DH and kids life. Tbh I'm not even thinking of another man I'm thinking of how free i would feel to live on my own with the kids but again I worry about what ifs, what if when the kids grow up and leave I never meet anyone and am alone forever.

I want to know has anyone been in a similar situation before and left and regretted or or left and was glad they did??? Please help!

Have you ever had a really frank conversation about all this?

Yes Ive spoke to him numerous times over the years how I wish our relationship was more emotionally intimate and friendly, that we did things together more and talked more and laughed and joked etc. I've told him that I think over the years we have drifted apart and want different things out of life and a relationship. He's just shrugs it off and says he's happy he doesnt see a problem. That's the point, he would happily live like this forever, but I do see a problem. Regarding to not fancying him, no, I haven't told him that because that's just unnecessarily hurtfull and not something he can really change. I think the fancying him could come back if my relationship needs were being met in all the ways I've stated but as I say, he doesn't see the problem with us remaining as we are. I want to know do you think am I wanting or expecting too much or are there men out there who can provide all the things I've listed he does like work, 50/50 chores, kind, family first etc..... plus the other things we are missing, sexual chemistry, banter, like best friends etc or should I be grateful for what I have as there's no relationships out there that have it all!

No-one is perfect, and no-one ticks every box. However, that doesn’t mean you should tolerate, for a years, a situation that you’re unhappy about.

It seems to me that the main issue is that when you raise it, he’s dismissive and seems unwilling to do anything to address the problems.

Thats frustrating because the things you’ve flagged may well be resolvable, with willing and effort from both sides. It’s easy to get stuck in a rut or let things slide, doesn’t have to be the end of the world.

I’d be more concerned that he’s unprepared to address the issues when you’ve raised them, than the issues themselves.

Sharing this from the perspective of the “other person” in this relationship as I sound like I could be your husband, I am female by the way. My love language is acts of service, I’m not tactile at all unless I want to be intimate. However I will cook, clean, do various other things for my lovely partner, DIY around the house etc & this is me showing him I care, but when we get in bed, as I have essentially “ignored him” all day he will decline any interest from me saying he’s too tired/stressed etc. & when asked why he’s never interested he will say it’s because I don’t pay enough attention to him the rest of the day. But I am, but not in the way he needs. I then feel rejected because we then aren’t intimate and it makes me want to be tactile & cuddly even less. I am trying to change but it’s really hard to alter the way you automatically default to showing you care for someone. I think this may be a big man problem as they are taught from an early age to provide, and that’s their role, not necessarily to be a loving & affectionate in more gentle, physical way. Is your husband trying to love you by working, sharing housework & childcare and that’s how he’s trying to show he cares? However I will add, I’m trying to change because I want it to work out, does your husband?