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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To find it odd that DH and female colleague/friend always messaging each other

8 replies

Pollyanna120 · 09/04/2025 23:09

Dh and me married 20 years, 2 dc. He and colleague message several times a day usually with pictures of what they’re drinking/eating/places they’re visiting that day. She usually starts the conversation but he responds so it keeps it going. Been going on for a few months now.
Mentioned I found this a bit weirdly intense and he got grumpy and said there’s nothing wrong and it’s normal between mates. He did show me once and it’s not flirty at all.
She’s friendly to me too, we think she’s a bit lonely and trying to make friends with us both. Should I just keep my nose out of it or mention it to them both that I’m finding it a bit much?

OP posts:
mumofoneAlonebutokay · 09/04/2025 23:10

Sorry girl, I'd be worried x

LittleMissGreen · 09/04/2025 23:19

I message a male colleague every day. In a similar vein to messaging my female colleague. I just think of him as being a friend.
Totally innocent. I would be quite happy for him to show his wife our messages. I've met her and enjoy her company too.

Equally I had a male colleague who used to message me regularly with lots of photos and he got a bit carried away. Became very awkward and I walked away very quickly.

Alwaystryhard · 09/04/2025 23:19

They are behaving like a couple. They are emotionally invested in each other.

This is not normal for work colleagues where one of them is a married man in, I presume, a monogamous relationship with you.

You've already mentioned to him you are concerned about his closeness to her and instead of him drawing back from the other woman he got " grumpy" with you. So maintaining his relationship with her is more important to him than your feelings.

I think you should be having another conversation with him about the boundaries of your marriage .

Alwaystryhard · 09/04/2025 23:26

LittleMissGreen · 09/04/2025 23:19

I message a male colleague every day. In a similar vein to messaging my female colleague. I just think of him as being a friend.
Totally innocent. I would be quite happy for him to show his wife our messages. I've met her and enjoy her company too.

Equally I had a male colleague who used to message me regularly with lots of photos and he got a bit carried away. Became very awkward and I walked away very quickly.

Seriously do you send photos of what you are eating and drinking to work colleagues?
Why do that? I can't think of a valid reason.
As it is a lot of people spend more time in the company of their colleagues at work than they do with their spouses at home. And yet even when your male colleague is at home with his wife you are trying to take his attention away from her?

Original poster
Pollyanna120 · 09/04/2025 23:27

Alwaystryhard · 09/04/2025 23:19

They are behaving like a couple. They are emotionally invested in each other.

This is not normal for work colleagues where one of them is a married man in, I presume, a monogamous relationship with you.

You've already mentioned to him you are concerned about his closeness to her and instead of him drawing back from the other woman he got " grumpy" with you. So maintaining his relationship with her is more important to him than your feelings.

I think you should be having another conversation with him about the boundaries of your marriage .

Edited

He knows I’m not happy about it but says he’s not doing anything wrong and while he’s sorry I feel like this, I shouldn’t, as it’s totally innocent and is his own person and it’s my problem

OP posts:
LittleMissGreen · 09/04/2025 23:30

Alwaystryhard · 09/04/2025 23:26

Seriously do you send photos of what you are eating and drinking to work colleagues?
Why do that? I can't think of a valid reason.
As it is a lot of people spend more time in the company of their colleagues at work than they do with their spouses at home. And yet even when your male colleague is at home with his wife you are trying to take his attention away from her?

Edited
Show quote history

No I text message. I don't send photos to any work colleagues. Sorry that wasn't very clear.

When a male colleague started sending photo messages I walked away quickly. His photos of food and dogs soon changed to other things.

We all work in different offices so only bump into each other occasionally at work.

Alwaystryhard · 09/04/2025 23:34

Pollyanna120 · 09/04/2025 23:27

He knows I’m not happy about it but says he’s not doing anything wrong and while he’s sorry I feel like this, I shouldn’t, as it’s totally innocent and is his own person and it’s my problem

Show quote history

Well it says a lot about how much he values your relationship if he thinks his closeness to his colleague is more important than your feelings.
If he is not already having an emotional affair with this woman the fact he is already prioritising her over your feelings is a sign that one is developing.
It's up to you how much of this behaviour you are prepared to tolerate.

CalicoPusscat · 09/04/2025 23:36

It sounds like it's too intense and needs to scale back.

I once got into similar with former work colleague (both single) but when he got into a relationship again it tailed off

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