Would you let this go or is it a matter of self respect?

[Itsataga]

I feel really conflicted about this. DP and I have a 3 year old and things were very rocky in DD’s first year. He was frankly a terrible father, had a breakdown and I left and moved back near to family due to his behaviour.

Things have moved on since then. He’s been a great dad for the last couple of years and in the last 18 months we have re built our relationship, although we are living apart still.

We currently live around 2.5 hours apart and the plan is for me to move to him in the next year so dd can be settled in a school and we can progress our relationship again.

This is the important bit… DP actually moved to this area shortly after we split up. It turns out that he hasn’t told anyone he works with about being a father, or about me. They presumably think he is single. He also hasn’t told old friends who message at Xmas etc to keep in touch. He says this is because he doesn’t use social media so there’s been no update on his life and he finds it weird to update old friends on something so big when it’s not in person (despite the fact he hasn’t seen these people for years so the chances of them meeting in real life anytime soon is very slim!)

My issue is that I feel totally disrespected on my behalf but also on dd’s behalf. I also feel a bit ridiculous planning on moving to this new area to join him (he has by far the better job and mine is flexible so makes sense for me to go to him)…now that I know I’m effectively a secret I think it will be incredibly strange for people to see us together with our child when we inevitably bump into people he knows from the area (it’s a small place).

He thinks I am overreacting and says there just hasn’t been opportunity to mention me or DD. He says he’s not hiding it. I’ve said it’s going to seem really odd if one day we are in the supermarket and bump into someone he knows and they realise he is with me and has a child. He says he understands this and keeps trying to put it into conversation but there’s never much chance. He says he hasn’t done it so far as he felt embarrassed about how he has basically abandoned me and dd due to his breakdown years ago.

AIBU to feel so offended by this? I feel like a mug for planning on moving there when he hasn’t even mentioned us to anyone. I don’t know if I’m overreacting. Our relationship is otherwise good.

Tbh I have friends who I only see once or twice a year and both DH and I don't really publish big life updates on social media either. I'm more lilkely to have a conversation at a catchup in person.

That being said, not mentioning the people in your life to the people you work with and presumably talk to on an almost daily basis is a bit strange and I might feel a bit neglected or forgotten about.

Why do you care about his work colleagues? I work with lots of people and I know nothing about their private lives and wouldn’t want to ask (asking someone if they have a partner or children is very personal IMO and you never know why they don’t etc). I also don’t think my DH talks much about me or the kids at work. I understand why he feels embarrassed and that he might not want to answer questions why he doesn’t live with his child.

for me the bigger issue is that you are clearly insecure about him and his behaviour makes you question if he has truly changed.

He didn’t tell his friends that he had a baby? I kinda get that he might not mention a complicated relationship in a text to friends but kids are announced!

I think being a secret at work is a huge thing and that would make me very reluctant to uproot to be near him.

The old friends less so, if he's not having any contact with them.

@Lmnop22 well he had his breakdown at that time so wasn’t around for the birth or a large part of that initial year. This in itself has made any announcement for him quite difficult and we are now a few years on

@Basketslipper he just says there isn’t chance to mention it but he will if it comes up. I don’t know if that’s true. He works in a more practical role (nhs) and I work in an office so I don’t know if I am more likely to have small talk than him. I can’t imagine something like that not coming up where I work

I get that some people have more smalltalk than others, but I find it very hard to believe there's never been an opportunity to mention his child. "What are you doing this weekend" type openings.

Maybe he is ashamed of his breakdown, and the fact that you are living apart? It might be easier (if a bit odd) to introduce you and his DD to people you bump into in the street when you're there than for him to say to people now, "Actually, I have a DW and DD but we don't live together." I would give him the benefit of the doubt. I hope it works out for you, OP.

Do his family know? I can understand not sharing big news with friends I rarely see and I never discusd my private life with work colleagues.

@JHound yes they know

It depends on how he is as a person. Is he generally open or private?

I'm a very friendly and talkative person and my colleagues would say they know me well but when it comes to it they know nothing about my life because I rarely talk about anything apart from my hobbies or work related things. I have lots of (mainly male) colleagues I could say the same - I talk to them daily but don't know if they have partners, pets, kids, or anything like that but I know about their feelings on politics, what they have for breakfast every day, their daily routine etc. I also work in the NHS and it's totally normal to talk all day every day but know nothing about some people's private lives.

He sounds like he wants to bring it up but doesn't know how. Not to mention he must be worried about how to deal with the inevitable questions afterwards.