Feeling resentful at how my dc’s abusive dad ruined their childhood

[ParsnipPuree]

His abuse put me in a deep depression when my kids were little and I wasn’t able to socialise with other families.. even after our divorce, I wasn’t included in family get togethers at weekends being a single mum.

Mine have now grown up (with an incredible step dad), but I can’t let go of the resentment that my friends’s kids all have such deep friendships now, their families are intertwined, and my kids missed out big time. Dd has a few childhood friends from school but ds doesn’t really.

Petty when there are much worse problems in the world but I’m riddled with guilt because of the crap dad I gave them which was my fault.

I think you should try and focus on the fact that you left your abusive ex and so ensured they had a better childhood than they would have done if you'd stayed.

It's not easy to leave, but you did it, so try and feel proud about that instead.

What good is your guilt going to do for them now? Does it change things? The answer is nothing and no. Now they're adults, they make their own friends, whether that's a big circle or a few well chosen people. Don't spoil your contentment at seeing them grow as adults by constantly punishing yourself for something you couldn't control and can't change.

One thing I've learned since my mum died is that it's so important to live in the now, not the past, and the future hasn't happened yet. I also had some therapy, which put some old demons to rest.

Have a think - happy future or guilt ridden sadness forever? It is a choice.

All my friends are friends I made as an adult. I don't feel I'm missing anything. I don't think I know many people who have close relationships with family childhood friends. I don't think there is any reason for you to feel guilty about your DCs friendships. Be proud of how you changed things for the better.

You are all so wise. Ahsheeit you’re right of course my guilt is pointless and I think I probably do need therapy. My dh changed their lives for the better and gave them opportunities I couldn’t, so I have much to be grateful for. It’s just that in our community families are close.

Thank you all again.