AIBU to feel so angry?

[PopThatBench]

So, I am 6 months pregnant and my Mum died very suddenly 4 weeks ago (in her 50s).
I am her next of kin so it has been for me to organise/book/pay for everything for her funeral.

I have included my two brothers in every step of the way, one of them has been very helpful, one of them has hindered the entire process and made it exponentially more stressful.

In this time, we also had to clear out my Mum’s home (council property). The unhelpful brother has not helped with anything, hasn’t even been to the property.

I went to see my Mum in the Chapel of Rest this week, I picked her outfit and we all put something in her handbag.
When I went in, I noticed a crocheted flower pinned to my Mum’s dress, I hadn’t put it there and I was the first person to go and see my Mum.

My unhelpful brother has just told me, his ex (they split up 3 years ago) went to see my Mum half an hour before I did and she pinned the flower to my Mum’s dress herself… didn’t request or declare this to the funeral home.

The ex did not have a relationship with my Mum. Both the ex and my unhelpful brother are hugely selfish people and crave attention sympathy in the strangest way.

I feel so full of rage.
This woman has somewhat manhandled my Mum to pin a flower to her dress and didn’t think to ask permission from anybody?

AIBU to be so angry?
I’m not being rational lately, I know this, but AIBU?

I would be really upset, that’s a big violation. Why was she let in to see your Mum?

I honestly don’t know, I’m going to ring the funeral home in the morning and ask.
There was a protection order in place due to my Mum being a survivor of domestic abuse and her ex always threatened if he found out, he’d have her body directly cremated and never tell us where her remains were.
Everything was supposed to be “okayed” through me.

I don’t know if I’m being an irrational control freak or if my Mum has been utterly violated in her final resting moments.

It’s grief that is making you so angry OP. You have a right to feel upset but the anger is coming out through the loss you have had. One day you’ll look back and think of your lovely mum and how she would probably have tutted at the stupidity of your brothers ex, and maybe she would have even laughed at the drama of it. It’s time for yourself, be kind, you loved your mum and she knew this I am
sure.

Selfish people have a way of making every situation about themselves, even someone else’s death. It might be worth mentioning it to the funeral home, and say explicitly that you are not comfortable with someone not related to your mum being allowed to touch her. It’s really not appropriate. I’m so sorry for you loss. I know it’s upsetting, but try to give this person’s behaviour as little headspace as possible.

I’d be cross she was let in to see your mum. I just assumed visitors would be restricted, seems I am wrong.

Im not surprised you’re angry. I’d be furious at the whole world if I was you right now tbh. Take care of yourself.

Thank you, you’re right, my Mum would have definitely tutted.
I did wonder if the anger is just grief and I’m pinning it on someone.

I’m the one that found my Mum so it just feels like overly protective of her.

You are right to be angry - and to be honest sounds like a great opportunity to over react and get some anger and feelings out

To me, this is the much bigger issue. I’m not surprised you are angry.

I think your anger is a bit misplaced, but also understandable. You'll find all sorts will pay respects to your mother, some you know never bothered with her when she was alive. Some will publicly cry and wail and pull attention away from the real mourners towards themselves, some will make you feel like you didn't spend enough time with her, or aren't organising things properly. There are going to be lots of things that anger you and stress you and I think its no harm to be prepared. Just try to focus on your own grief and the important people in your life.

Its incredibly sad and bloody unfair that you lost your Mum while pregnant, I am really sorry.

Oh OP this is not OK.
I'm so sorry for your loss.
This may be grief but also it is a complete breach of trust on the part of the funeral parlour.
I'd be livid and you're well within your rights to really let them know that it's completely unacceptable.

You have every right to be angry op. So sorry about your loss. This woman was so out of order. If they have split why was she even there in the first place?

When my mum's body was in the Chappell of rest, we were asked if we wanted to be alerted that someone wanted to see her, so that we could refuse if we felt it inappropriate. I guess you didn't have that option, so I'd be making the point to the funeral director that it's good practice to do so. And if be advising others not to use this funeral director.

Of course you're angry @PopThatBenchbut it's the shock,it's hard to lose your DM when you know it's going to happen but to lose her with no warning is very, very hard. I've been there Op and ever little thing is magnified, your useless DB, his Ex whose over stepped, the shadow of your DMs horrible Ex, it all gets to feel to much.
All you can do now is give your DM the send off she'd have liked, all the other stuff doesn't really matter, once your DMs at rest you will be able to grieve

What you say about you dad is really shocking and absolutely justifies you insisting that no one can see her without your say so. Surely as her next of kin you have that right?

Thank you everyone, you’ve all been really helpful and kind.

I’ve spoken to my helpful brother and he was just as mortified.
My unhelpful brother’s ex is very manipulative and there’s something wrong with her, I wouldn’t call her psychotic but just something which is half the reason they split up 3 years ago.
We cannot fathom why she went.
I have my Mum’s phone and have been through it to contact her friends she was in touch with and the ex hasn’t been in touch with her at all.

I think I’m going to find out what the funeral home did to allow her in and to bypass the protection order and if there’s no protocol in place I might suggest there should be one.

I’m doing everything I can right now to put Mum first and give her the send off she deserves.
And then I’ll somehow battle through losing my beloved Mum while bringing my new baby girl into the world 💔

So sorry for your loss.

Absolutely not unreasonable to feel angry. But it’s not going to do you any good, so just try and let it go if you can. You don’t need the added stress / anger.

It was stupid, insensitive attention-seeking thing to do….. but yes, I think you are naturally pushing anger that is part of this grief process into this small thing. Just breathe and allow yourself to feel the anger - about the whole thing. Losing your mum early, unexpectedly, while pregnant is terribly sad and unfair.

but try not to add extra pain. I don’t think your mum would have experienced this as violating. While silly, the gesture itself was respectful. Your mum wasn’t manhandled or mistreated. The gesture may even have been sincere. Even if they weren’t close, death can trigger people and this woman sounds a bit vulnerable actually. And she did something that can reasonably be seen as a tribute, even though it was misplaced.

Im so sorry for your loss.

The anger is primarily grief plus pregnancy hormones I suspect but I agree it was a super weird thing for the ex to do and I’m not surprised you’re furious in this particular moment! Especially with the added context about the protection order.

I'm so sorry about your mum, OP. I lost my mum recently, and I know how many emotions you'll have swirling around in your head. It must be even worse when you're pregnant, and she wasn't very old at all.

It's shit that your brother has been so useless and of course the ex partner should have asked first. I understand why you're angry.

But I would try to focus on the intention if you can? I assume that going to see your mum and pinning on the flower was probably intended as some sort of gesture of respect, even if it was ill-judged?

Was your brother's ex married to him and does she have children with him? Seems extremely unusual to want to see your exes mothers body....is she at least the mother of her grandchildren?

She massively overstepped the mark but I think it's probably best to eye roll and move on.

So sorry for your loss.

They weren’t married and share no children. They temporarily lived together during the latter part of Covid and they split up about 6 months later.

Thank you everyone, I’ve calmed down a lot today, mostly because I know my Mum wouldn’t want me to feel this many negative feelings while pregnant.

I think it is true, some people cling to death and the attention it draws, it brings out the most bizarre behaviour in people and I think that’s what I’ve struggled with the most.
While clearing out my Mum’s property I’ve had people genuinely ask for details on what she looked like when I found her, where I found her, was she dressed etc.

Very unusual behaviour then if they weren't married and have no children...but yes, not worth upsetting yourself further at such a tough time. Look after yourself

I’m sorry about this OP, you must be very distressed.

I think I’m going to find out what the funeral home did to allow her in and to bypass the protection order and if there’s no protocol in place I might suggest there should be one.

Please do this, this is really basic funeral home security and both you and they need to know what happened and why it happened and how things can be changed.