To sleep separately because of DH breathing and snoring?

[Iamstumblingin]

The first hour when he is setting in for the night is unbearable for me. I cannot bear his noise on some sort of animalistic level, it enrages me. I know why - because until age 18, I slept in the same small room as my parents, putting up with every noise and smell coming from my wasted alcoholic father. I felt like I cannot sleep or breath, with nowhere to escape for years, until I moved out on reaching adult age. Another country, many years ago.

DH is healthy, not overweight but asthmatic. I love him dearly and do not want to hurt his feelings, he does not deserve that rage every night. He can’t help it, earplugs of every kind I tried do not work. Not white noise fan, it’s almost like I hear out for his snoring, like it’s a hidden threat.

I end up going to spare room most night, after a hour or more of lying there angry. But it feels like separation of sorts, and yet I can’t keep doing this. I need to go straight there and go to sleep in peace. Any words of wisdom will help - thank you.

Maybe create some sort of saying goodnight routine with your partner, to encourage closeness, but then as soon as it's sleep time go off to your own space?

I moved my DH into the spare room six months ago as his snoring and breathing was wrecking my physical and mental health. I’d been to the doctors and thought it was peri-menopause that was leaving me exhausted and drained through broken sleep, but it was my DH and his snoring/breathing. We’ve shared a bed for 15years but he has put on weight recently which has made this a worsening problem. I have no regrets as my life has drastically improved with better sleep.

He needs to go to the doctor and ask for a sleep study to be done. He might have sleep apnoea and it’s a serious health condition.

It’s definitely okay to have separate bedrooms until he gets his snoring sorted and you can actually sleep peacefully beside him again.

Yes - talk to him and work out a routine. If you have the space, then sleep elsewhere. I know the feeling of rage when the irregular breathing and occasional gasping starts. If it’s bad, I go in the spare room. If he complainer, I’d hit the roof, but he hasn’t.

Sometimes when my back is bad I know I will want to fidget and will feel more comfortable if i know im not disturbing dh, so I sleep in the spare room. I tend to get into oir bed with dh, read for a bit alongside him, then have a cuddle and go off to the apare room.

I do tend to read there for another 10 minutes or so to "resettle" myself then go to sleep.

Then in the morning back to our bed to have our morning cuppa , look at the news etc.

Maybe he could go to bed a bit earlier to get settled in?

I haven’t slept in the same room as DH for 2 years due to his snoring. We both have such a good sleep now! Do it, the exhaustion and frustration isn’t worth it.

I sleep in a different room for the same reasons but when we go away I manage to sleep together - I use silicon earplugs (broken in half as they’re too big otherwise) with a musicozy headband over the top playing white noise. Not very sexy but I can’t hear a thing (and like you, I was very sensitive to it and would be listening out for the snoring!)

We've slept in separate rooms for the last couple of years. It's total bliss. We get into bed together and read most nights, and then at some point he goes next door to the spare room, and has a lovely comfy double bed all to himself. We both get a good night's sleep most of the time (no kids). No snoring, tossing and turning, or rage. I can't recommend it enough.

I sleep in DP’s spare room when I stay at his, as I’m the snorer. At first he was upset about it as he sleeps poorly anyway but I don’t need the guilt of hearing how noisy i was or how long he was awake in the night.

He says it would be nice to have me there when he wakes in the night but tbh that would really piss me off, being hugged in my sleep to keep him happy while rousing me out of my deep sleep!

I don’t get why people think being unconscious next to each other is so important. Sleeping well is vital, so whatever either of you need to get you there is fine, as long as it doesn’t interrupt the other one’s sleep.

And if you can’t fathom how sex or cuddles etc can happen if you’re not sharing a bed all night, you’re not using your imagination! We have sex earlier in the evening, then at bedtime we cuddle and chat in his bed, then he gets up for pre-sleep wee and I go and get into the other bed, he says goodnight on his way past and then in the morning I sleep a lot later than him, so I text when I’m awake and he brings me up a coffee and a kiss!

Nothing wrong with sleeping separately to ensure you get a good nights kip. Plenty do.

Thank you for the validation and advice. I think a ritual would be nice and we will feel better rested sleeping separately.

Me and my OH have slept separately since I was heavily pregnant with our first she’s 7 now and our relationship is amazing and honestly we are so close even though we don’t share a bed at night. I’m not woken up every 5 mins in an absolute fit of rage at the sounds of his breathing and snoring I tried everything to block it out but wanted to shove a pillow over his face or mine to stop the sound 🤣. Honestly if I had to share a bed every night I think it would tip me over the edge. Not here for it.

Sleep in your own separate bed! Life’s too short! You can always visit each other for conjugal bunk ups. Separate beds doesn’t mean the end of a relationship

we sleep separately and both love it but ritual is important too ..

I would if we had a spare room!

Loads of couples sleep separately if they have the space.

Don’t stress about it.

I'm the snorer and on a waiting list for a sleep study, but in the meantime, we sleep in separate rooms. Once we accepted that it was so we both got a good night's sleep and nothing personal, we settled into a nice routine and we both love it now. I don't know if we'll ever share a bed again unless we have guests or are sleeping elsewhere. I've just got a new mattress for my bed too and it is pure bliss.

We sleep separately for the same reasons.
We’d be more likely to be divorced if we had to share a bed every night!

We have separate beds and I love it

My DH used to snore, grunt and breathe heavily when asleep. When DD2 came along I couldn't beat it any longer as I would be up feeding her during the night and could never get back to sleep. So, DH went to his GP and ended up getting his (absolutely fucking massive) tonsils out. Problem solved! However if we had a spare room I'd be very up for a goodnight ritual and separate beds. I love it when he's on a nightshift!

I know a few people who go to bed together then one departs for their own bed

Have you looked at “snoreguard’ it creates a gap so air can flow through
my OH has apnea and is in total denial I am at a loss as he is in total denial