For wanting more support from DP?

[Laloopsie]

my 4 month old is going through a sleep regression and I haven’t slept in 2 weeks. I can’t catch up in the day as she only naps for around 20 mins a time. After a particularly bad night (she had tossed and turned until 3am) I gave up, left her with DP in bed to make a cup of tea, then sat next to them in bed crying while he cooed over her and giggled at her funny noises. back in the newborn days he would have stroked my back and given me a cuddle, with words of reassurance. He didn’t say a word or even look at me. I couldn’t be too irritated the next day as he called to say he’d booked half a day at work and was coming home take her out for an hour to ‘rescue me’ (which I hugged him & said thank you for). We were fine for the rest of the day and got along really well.

That night was awful again, I got really frustrated and had the following exchange:
“I can’t cope with this”
“we need to do something about it then”
“my mental health is going to tank”
‘well you need to go back on antidepressants then!”
“So you’ve gone from ignoring me to reading me the riot act” (not sure what I meant by this, I was delirious, think I meant chastising or something to that effect).
He shouted at me to stop taking everything out on him. He got dressed for work at 4:40am then lay on the sofa on his phone until it was time to leave, while I tried to get the baby back to sleep.

He hasn’t spoken to me since. It’s been two days. he comes to bed late, then gets up extra early to make his own coffee and work lunch then makes a fuss of the baby and leaves. I sent him a video of the baby rolling over for the first time. no response. I feel like I’m being punished. I could understand if I’d blown up at him or was unbearable to live with (I’ll admit Ive been irritable on occasion (with everyone) but nothing major. I just wanted him to put his arm around me while I was sobbing, but he seems to think I’m attacking him and/or being ungrateful.

I suffered PND with all 3 DC (from prior relationship) and lost my dad just before baby was born. I’ve coped remarkably well juggling grief, a new baby, 3 other DC and university assignment deadlines. I’m actually quite proud of myself and don’t want my mental health to decline but this has made me feel lonelier than ever.

AITA here? I’m too tired to think logically

I don't think that he should be made responsible for your mental health

Yes aged 11, and 7yo twins, share custody with XP. LO is OH’s first child

Im not sure wanting a hug equates to making him responsible for my mental health though?

He's probably exhausted too. We're not the best when exhausted. Of course he should have been kinder, but possibly he wasn't thinking straight. It sounds like you have had a lot of mental health problems and mental stress, that puts a massive strain on him too, he's probably exhausted by it all and possibly tired of always remembering to do the right thing and not upset you.

He wasn't kind and you're are quite understandably upset, but living with someone with that amount of emotional stress and emotional upheaval is very stressful for the supportive partner too.

Just looking at it possibly from his perspective.

4 months is very young, I wouldn't call this regression, more standard baby behaviour, and wouldn't put to much pressure on myself or the baby to be sleeping through. Neither of mine slept through at that age in the slightest. My youngest woke every 2hours for 2 years!

All the best to you and your family. So sorry you are having a terrible time.

I just wanted him to put his arm around me while I was sobbing

Tell him what you need, don't expect him to know. When everyone is tired and times are challenging it's sometimes hard to know what to do for the best. It sounds like he does care ie taking the half day, and perhaps he has a point that its an idea to explore meds as you've struggled before.

It sounds to me like you're both suffering from sleep deprivation OP. Your DH suggested you go back onto anti-depressants, which sounds like it might be a good idea, particularly as you're also suffering a bereavement, and even if you don't need to do that, it definitely sounds like you DO need to see your GP.

We all only have so much energy, and it sounds like you're both at the end of your tether, your DH was presumably half asleep when he took over care of the baby the first night, and didn't stroke you and give you a cuddle, as you would have liked him to, but you could have asked, it's no good expecting other people to read your mind.

So are you dismissing his suggestion that you go back on anti depressants?

Are you breastfeeding OP?

Dunno. What your DP said struck a chord with me. I once had a partner who would play the MH card as if there was something that I could do about it. Massive pressure to put on someone's shoulders.

If he's giving you the silent treatment that's emotional abuse. Kick him out it's not good for you or your older children to be in an abusive relationship.

I don't think this is useful - him being in a strop for a couple of days when sleep deprived doesn't necessarily make it an abusive relationship.

Of course he has helped with the other children when they are with us, I didn’t say otherwise? I’ve been with him for years, we wanted our own LO. Should women not have more children if they experience postnatal depression?

Silent treatment is abusive.

Do you have a spare room he can go into and take over at a certain time? My DH slept in the spare room during the rough nights and I'd wake him if struggling around 4.30/5 am (as instructed) to give me a few interrupted hours.

If you don't, can you settle baby in another room then transfer into your room once asleep to allow this? DH used to take our little one downstairs when he took over.

I can't believe some of the posts on here. Here's a mother who's physically exhausted, has 3 other children, just lost her father, is at University and has a newborn- give her so grace please!

OP when he comes home from work, sit down and have a sensible discussion. Don't play a blame game of he says she says. Just talk calmly about why you got so upset. Let him explain his version too. He's a first time dad, this is second nature to you, so he may be struggling but doesn't know how to support you or articulate this.

The early months are hard, especially when you have a tiny human who doesn't sleep. It's difficult not to get emotional and take things personally. You think he doesn't support you enough, he may think she doesn't appreciate what I do. But you'll only know if you communicate with each other.

You're doing amazingly well. Do you think going on antidepressants may help?

Echoing what oak179 said, I'd recommend sitting down and explaining how you feel and asking him to repeat what he heard. A good chance to improve communication and ensure there isn't a misunderstanding or feeling of placing blame.