To hate being around someone so much?

fluffywhiterabbits · 2025-04-09T08:41:02+00:00

I fell out with a friend a few months ago. She had a minor operation and I went with her to the hospital to all of her prior appointments, then afterwards I went into the hospital to see her every day, bring her clean clothes and snacks etc. After she came out of the hospital she stopped replying to my texts, or if she did reply it was very short and abrupt. I figured she needed space, but then I saw her at an activity our kids go to ( they are best friends) and she ignored me. The next day she was walking down the street with another school mum friend and she walked straight past me like she didn't know me. I later found out she was telling people at the activity that we had fell out because I was ignoring her and she didn't know what she'd done wrong. I approached her and asked her about this but she became very hostile, shouting over me, getting up in my personal space and I couldn't say what I needed to. She ran away crying then later sent rants over WhatsApp saying she doesn't want to talk to me anymore and said she was upset that I told her I felt used after helping her but not explaining what I had done originally for her to cut me out. Now I still have to see her and I'm doing a good job of keeping my distance. I've blocked her on WhatsApp, however she has still been texting me ( going to blocked texts which I can still see). The thing is I feel so irritated every time I see her face. I don't want to be friends again because she's proven to be very strange indeed. But she's everywhere I go and I've had enough of her. I feel such intense dislike towards her when previously we had been friends. I'm just looking for some tips from anyone who's been in a similar situation and how to cope when you know someone is gossiping about you spreading false rumours. I'm not going to confront her again, in fact I don't want to ever talk to her again, but she's there all the time, trying to engage in conversation with my children and I'm struggling to deal with the negative emotions this is provoking in me.

Laffydaffy · 09/04/2025 10:12

You can be civil without engaging at all. That means, you can nod your head in greeting then turn and walk away.

I learnt to do this with a similar situation. A former acquaintance person knew I had found out about what they had been saying, came over all nice and friendly and then I realised I did not owe them any engagement, which is quite liberating. No smile, no hug, no verbal greeting. Just a nod and move away.

And a warning. Be prepared for her to keep talking about you, though. And for people who will only believe her. People like her hate being ignored.

Swiftie1878 · 09/04/2025 10:18

Your OP is dripping with emotion. You need to, mentally, take the heat out of the situation.

Retain your dignity and self respect.
Be civil with her, and otherwise ignore and move on.

Original poster

fluffywhiterabbits · 09/04/2025 10:34

Thanks for the replies. I do feel emotional about it. I was sad at first at the loss of friendship. I'm over that now as it's been a while but now it's just irritation that I've bent over backwards for someone to be treated like this. You never really expect people to be so brazenly horrible, but obviously they do. I keep as far away from her as physically possible. If she's inside, I stay outside and I don't look at her.

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ShruggedHugely · 09/04/2025 10:44

fluffywhiterabbits · 09/04/2025 10:34

Thanks for the replies. I do feel emotional about it. I was sad at first at the loss of friendship. I'm over that now as it's been a while but now it's just irritation that I've bent over backwards for someone to be treated like this. You never really expect people to be so brazenly horrible, but obviously they do. I keep as far away from her as physically possible. If she's inside, I stay outside and I don't look at her.

I agree with the pp who said you need to take the heat out of it. I also think it would help to ask yourself why you 'bent over backwards' quite so much for this former friend? Going to all her pre-surgery hospital appointments with her, visiting her daily in hospital and bringing her clean clothes and snacks sounds like an awful lot for a minor surgery -- I had three minor surgeries last year and didn't bring anyone with me for any appointments, or need clean clothes or indeed anything much for the fairly brief period I was in after the surgeries. Is she a particularly vulnerable individual or something or someone with poor MH, or with no other friends? (Which would give some context to the fits of crying and ranting on WhatsApp after the falling out?)

So you still have absolutely no idea why she changed her behaviour towards you after she came out of hospital?

Either way, I think other pps are right. The only behaviour you can control here is your own. You can't make her avoid places where you are likely to be. You can't stop her talking about you. All you can do is take a step back in your head, and don't engage.

Isawthesigns · 09/04/2025 11:15

I would have found this hard to believe if I hadn’t recently had a similar experience myself. Some people are absolutely nuts and they can make you ill. Anyway, I think you have the right approach - just wanted to show support and encourage you to take your focus off her completely and put it on having a joyful and peaceful life.

Original poster

fluffywhiterabbits · 09/04/2025 11:33

I think " bend over backwards" was probably just a turn of phrase I used but I definitely went out my way for her and gave up my free time. I didn't see it as a big deal at the time. Things weren't great with her partner and he wasn't supportive so I wanted to help her out. Now I wish I hadn't bothered. What brought it all to a head was that she was ignoring me to my face but texting me now and again about my child, asking was she going to such and such a place etc so she could meet up with her child. So I wasn't actually sure if she was talking to me or not. In the end I told her I was blocking her because I was sick of wondering where I stood with her.

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Original poster

fluffywhiterabbits · 09/04/2025 11:35

Isawthesigns · 09/04/2025 11:15

I would have found this hard to believe if I hadn’t recently had a similar experience myself. Some people are absolutely nuts and they can make you ill. Anyway, I think you have the right approach - just wanted to show support and encourage you to take your focus off her completely and put it on having a joyful and peaceful life.

Thanks so much. It's hard to get your head around when it happens but people can behave in strange ways. Sorry you've been through the same.

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BobbyBiscuits · 09/04/2025 11:37

I think maybe you ended up doing more for her in hospital than you were actually comfortable with. Whether that's you being a bit of a people pleaser, or her being very demanding, or a mix of the two.

Just give it space and don't engage with her other than polite nod/greeting. Don't talk about her to people and just fill your life with other people and things.

It seems a shame but she's not worth it really in the grand scale of things.

nomas · 09/04/2025 12:09

YANBU to hate being around her, she has abused your kindness and repaid you by trashing your reputation.

I would message her clearly to stop contacting you or talking to you or you will go to the police.

nomas · 09/04/2025 12:10

BobbyBiscuits · 09/04/2025 11:37

I think maybe you ended up doing more for her in hospital than you were actually comfortable with. Whether that's you being a bit of a people pleaser, or her being very demanding, or a mix of the two.

Just give it space and don't engage with her other than polite nod/greeting. Don't talk about her to people and just fill your life with other people and things.

It seems a shame but she's not worth it really in the grand scale of things.

Edited

You should not be polite to someone harassing you.

Original poster

fluffywhiterabbits · 09/04/2025 12:22

I don't think she's harassing me. We mainly stay out of each other's way. The last time she messaged me was her asking for my child's mobile number to give her to her child as they had both recently got phones. The only thing I'm sure of but can't prove is that she's been talking about me since. The first time I found out because another parent at the group told me but now it's just being stared at by other parents and muffled whispers in which I heard my name. If it's just petty stuff I'm better ignoring it but a lot of things she's told me in the past that seemed unbelievable I'm now wondering whether that was fantasy also and so it's possible she's told them something bad. I'm quiet and don't really engage in a lot of " parent chat", prefer to just keep to myself and my kids.
But she's a gossip.

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nomas · 09/04/2025 12:28

Ah ok, I thought as she’s messaging you despite knowing you’ve blocked her on WhatsApp then that would be harassment. Also making up
lies about you. Is she blocked on text too?

BobbyBiscuits · 09/04/2025 12:31

nomas · 09/04/2025 12:10

You should not be polite to someone harassing you.

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You can be distant and coldly civil. Maybe polite was the wrong word.

Original poster

fluffywhiterabbits · 09/04/2025 12:46

nomas · 09/04/2025 12:28

Ah ok, I thought as she’s messaging you despite knowing you’ve blocked her on WhatsApp then that would be harassment. Also making up
lies about you. Is she blocked on text too?

She's blocked on text but I'm able to see my blocked texts and calls and I saw that she has messaged a few times. The first saying " one last thing..." then tried to carry on the argument. The next was asking if I'd put my child down for a club at school, then the last was asking for my child's phone number. I ignored all of these and there's not been any for a while. It's just having to see her all the time that's getting to me. It's the Easter holidays and still I have to spend time in her vicinity otherwise my kids would miss out and they love coming here to the activity. I can actually see her right now grrrr.

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Cherrysoup · 09/04/2025 12:49

Grey rock her, ignore messages-ruddy cheek of her after all your help!

nomas · 09/04/2025 13:02

fluffywhiterabbits · 09/04/2025 12:46

She's blocked on text but I'm able to see my blocked texts and calls and I saw that she has messaged a few times. The first saying " one last thing..." then tried to carry on the argument. The next was asking if I'd put my child down for a club at school, then the last was asking for my child's phone number. I ignored all of these and there's not been any for a while. It's just having to see her all the time that's getting to me. It's the Easter holidays and still I have to spend time in her vicinity otherwise my kids would miss out and they love coming here to the activity. I can actually see her right now grrrr.

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I would ask her to stop messaging you.

MarkWithaC · 09/04/2025 13:34

I'm confused. Did you tell her you felt used after helping her?

StrangerThings1 · 09/04/2025 13:35

fluffywhiterabbits · 09/04/2025 10:34

Thanks for the replies. I do feel emotional about it. I was sad at first at the loss of friendship. I'm over that now as it's been a while but now it's just irritation that I've bent over backwards for someone to be treated like this. You never really expect people to be so brazenly horrible, but obviously they do. I keep as far away from her as physically possible. If she's inside, I stay outside and I don't look at her.

Sorry, that sounds awful after you were so kind to her…..she sounds unhinged and nasty though so you are better off with out her, pity your kids are such good friends though

If she is going around telling everyone that you were the ‘bad guy’ in this, I would be sure to set the record straight to a few people as well then I would just leave it and be annoyingly civil to her …..as if you were not in the least bit bothered about loosing the friendship or her behaviour, this might confuse her

Original poster

fluffywhiterabbits · 09/04/2025 14:00

MarkWithaC · 09/04/2025 13:34

I'm confused. Did you tell her you felt used after helping her?

No, I told her this after she started ignoring me almost straight after. I did feel used because she was alright having me doing that for her but then couldn't explain that she no longer wanted to be friends.

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Original poster

fluffywhiterabbits · 09/04/2025 14:04

StrangerThings1 · 09/04/2025 13:35

Sorry, that sounds awful after you were so kind to her…..she sounds unhinged and nasty though so you are better off with out her, pity your kids are such good friends though

If she is going around telling everyone that you were the ‘bad guy’ in this, I would be sure to set the record straight to a few people as well then I would just leave it and be annoyingly civil to her …..as if you were not in the least bit bothered about loosing the friendship or her behaviour, this might confuse her

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Thanks. They are both going to different secondary schools in September and my "friend" has no other kids at the primary school so we should see each other a lot less.

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Curlygirl06 · 09/04/2025 14:21

Yep, same here, someone I was friends with for 12 years, did a lot for her as she's on her own and can't drive. She asked a big favour, assumed later it was all OK when I hadn't sorted it out, when I said hang on a minute she sent me some horrible messages. We work together and she had the opportunity to make life awkward so I went to management. Apparently she has a habit of upsetting the people who've been helpful to her, so it's not just me!

I insisted in being polite and speaking to her, she hated that and would not talk to me at all, glaring at me all evening so I just kept smiling at her.

Anyway, long story short, smile, nod, be polite, then you have nothing to worry about.

Oh and one final thing, my ex friend got sacked this week, to do with something else, so I don't have to see her at all now, result! 12 years of friendship out the window, I could have supported her through the last few weeks and helped her with the aftermath, not any more, and she's upset so many of her ex friends she's on her own.

Original poster

fluffywhiterabbits · 09/04/2025 15:16

Curlygirl06 · 09/04/2025 14:21

Yep, same here, someone I was friends with for 12 years, did a lot for her as she's on her own and can't drive. She asked a big favour, assumed later it was all OK when I hadn't sorted it out, when I said hang on a minute she sent me some horrible messages. We work together and she had the opportunity to make life awkward so I went to management. Apparently she has a habit of upsetting the people who've been helpful to her, so it's not just me!

I insisted in being polite and speaking to her, she hated that and would not talk to me at all, glaring at me all evening so I just kept smiling at her.

Anyway, long story short, smile, nod, be polite, then you have nothing to worry about.

Oh and one final thing, my ex friend got sacked this week, to do with something else, so I don't have to see her at all now, result! 12 years of friendship out the window, I could have supported her through the last few weeks and helped her with the aftermath, not any more, and she's upset so many of her ex friends she's on her own.

It's horrible when it happens especially when you've been a good friend to someone. It must be even worse having to work with the person and keep things on a professional level. Glad you're now free of her.

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