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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I being a controlling friend?

24 replies

Dairyleelover · 09/04/2025 07:49

After getting some devastating news earlier in the year a friend suggested a holiday to give me something to look forward to.
She roped in another good friend of mine who coincidentally she used to date and so the holiday was booked.
After we had booked our friend decided to invite some of their friends who we don’t really know but who love to party.
I told my friend I wasn’t really up for that sort of holiday and suggested we let them have the villa whilst we maybe got a 2 bed place for just us. But she repeatedly reassured me she was also just wanting to chill/it would be fine etc
my gut was really making me dread the holiday.
and lo and behold they’ve all been out partying waking me up at all hours and I’ve spent a lot of time on my own.
she has also rekindled her romance with my friend which I now wonder if I was just used as an excuse for them to see each other and get back together.
so am I being controlling by being pissed off as it is their holiday too and everyone should be able to do what they want on holiday?
i am actually really lonely and sad as I didn’t want to just lie on the beach by myself and go for walks on my own.

OP posts:
WonderingWanda · 09/04/2025 07:52

Well if you are telling them they can't that would be controlling but it doesn't sound like you are, you maybe have had a moan that this wasn't what you signed up for.....quite rightly too. Your friend sounds like she has been really selfish. Sorry to hear that the holiday hasn't turned out the way you wanted. That would piss me off too....although I would be happy on my own to be fair.

GloriaHeart · 09/04/2025 08:14

YANBU OP. You told your friend you weren’t really up for that sort of holiday.
But I feel that because your friend overrode your wishes and refused to respect what you wanted you should’ve point blank refused to go

Naunet · 09/04/2025 08:15

Your friend has been a selfish dickhead. Do you have much more time there?

GloriaHeart · 09/04/2025 08:17

so to answer your question no you’re not being controlling but you should’ve point blank refused to go on the holiday your friend insisted on

Original poster
Dairyleelover · 09/04/2025 08:21

Yes you re absolutely right I’ve been a total idiot and should’ve had more backbone. We ve got 3 more days but I’ll have to suck it up now.

OP posts:
Newgirls · 09/04/2025 08:24

When they get up suggest what you want to do. Lunch out, walk whatever. Maybe they need telling and will be fine now they’ve got some partying done

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 09/04/2025 08:24

Yanbu to be annoyed that your friend has disregarded your opinions, and been selfish. If you organise a holiday to cheer someone up...you normally organise a holiday that they'd like and that includes them. You don't organise a holiday with others they don't know and end up doing a lot of qctivities you know they don't like, particularly when you were told in advance they were worried about this scenario happening

CaptainFuture · 09/04/2025 08:30

Hate to be so classic mn, but any spa places you could spend day at nearby?

jeaux90 · 09/04/2025 08:31

Get out for the day and do stuff you want to do. Your friend is an asshole.

123support456 · 09/04/2025 08:35

Oh OP, your friend did this purely as an excuse to see her ex, it seems.

Id be rethinking that friendship after this.

Original poster
Dairyleelover · 09/04/2025 08:38

Tbh
That’s how I feel as they wouldn’t have booked this holiday together if it wasn’t for me iykwim
i feel like I got railroaded into as they were ‘being good to me’ so couldn’t get out of it.
im so cross I didn’t listen to my gut I’m so so stupid.
Thank you for all the replies

OP posts:
Original poster
Dairyleelover · 09/04/2025 08:40

Also she has said oh if you rather I come for a walk with you let me know but as if I’m going to say yes when she’s also told me she’s so happy ‘back’ with them etc
i’d feel awful taking her away from what I know she’d really rather do. Which I do totally understand.

OP posts:
B1anche · 09/04/2025 08:45

Dairyleelover · 09/04/2025 08:21

Yes you re absolutely right I’ve been a total idiot and should’ve had more backbone. We ve got 3 more days but I’ll have to suck it up now.

Don't be hard on yourself OP, you're not an idiot. It sounds like your friend has taken advantage while you're feeling low and vulnerable.

If you feel up to it, definitely try to go out and do something on your own.

TwinklyRoseTurtle · 09/04/2025 08:45

Your friend has been selfish OP, I understand how you feel. I would suggest trying to make the most of it as you are there and being annoyed will only ruin your holiday, do the things you love to do and I’d probably reconsider this friendship when home,or if you feel like you really want to go home, go home and consider it the end of your friendship X

Duckiess · 09/04/2025 08:46

All you can do now is make the most of the holiday for yourself, you could try to find group trips or activities online and try to relax. Once you’re home message your friend to say you weren’t happy, then step back from the friendship. It is easier to get your point across and avoid an argument through messages.

Original poster
Dairyleelover · 09/04/2025 08:51

Thank you for your messages they are helping a lot as I obviously can’t talk to anyone about how I feel here. Thank you

OP posts:
Shirtless · 09/04/2025 08:53

Dairyleelover · 09/04/2025 08:40

Also she has said oh if you rather I come for a walk with you let me know but as if I’m going to say yes when she’s also told me she’s so happy ‘back’ with them etc
i’d feel awful taking her away from what I know she’d really rather do. Which I do totally understand.

She offered. Say yes. Why are her feelings more important than yours?

Original poster
Dairyleelover · 09/04/2025 08:56

I think it’s because I prefer to spend time with people who want to spend time with me. Not because they are forced to or out of guilt if that makes sense.
I know she would obviously prefer to be with him as it’s more fun and she has feelings for him. I do understand that.

OP posts:
luckylavender · 09/04/2025 08:58

I think you should suck it up & try & make the most of it. Then tell her exactly what you actually think when you're home. She's let you down badly.

123support456 · 09/04/2025 09:30

OP Id have said no too to the half arsed offer to go for a walk with you.

It was clearly inferred that she was happy not to go on a walk.

Reading in between the big fat lines she has made it clear why he is there and where she would rather be.

Im so sorry you’re on your own.

Shirtless · 09/04/2025 09:38

Dairyleelover · 09/04/2025 08:56

I think it’s because I prefer to spend time with people who want to spend time with me. Not because they are forced to or out of guilt if that makes sense.
I know she would obviously prefer to be with him as it’s more fun and she has feelings for him. I do understand that.

Respectfully, that’s the kind of thinking that got you into the situation of being on a holiday you’re not enjoying in the first place. This holiday was originally supposed to be about helping you deal with something bad. It’s morphed into a party house involving people you barely know for which you’re understandably not in the mood. Tell the original friend what you need, and in future don’t let an original plan conceived with your happiness in mind morph into something unrecognisable that doesn’t suit you.

Swiftie1878 · 09/04/2025 10:22

Just go home OP!
Enjoy some time off at home doing things YOU want to do, and getting some rest.

Lurkingandlearning · 09/04/2025 11:08

Is there a tourist office in the resort. There might be a day trip you could go on rather than just hanging around on your own.

ItGhoul · 09/04/2025 11:26

Dairyleelover · 09/04/2025 08:56

I think it’s because I prefer to spend time with people who want to spend time with me. Not because they are forced to or out of guilt if that makes sense.
I know she would obviously prefer to be with him as it’s more fun and she has feelings for him. I do understand that.

I know what you mean - it's no fun spending time with someone when you know they'd rather be somewhere else. It's a bit like going to see a film or a band when you know the person you're with isn't it enjoying it; it just kind of sucks the fun out of it.

YANBU to be annoyed as it's essentially become a very different kind of trip from the one you actually signed up for.

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