Drug addict Son

[M11L3]

I have a son who is 33, is an addict, and I need him to leave my house. We have spent so much money on him, paying dealers, bills etc, and it's the same old lies,' promise to pay it back, I'm so sorry, please don't throw me out, ' he lies about everything. We have tried counselling, tried to help him manage debts, got him drug counselling. Ok for 3 weeks, then back to normal. He has lost his friends, his girlfriend moved away with his children, he has stolen from us, pawned stuff, the list is endless. We now must evict him, and yes, we know we should have done it years ago, but he is our son, and until you have lived through this, please don't criticise. My fear is, he will do something stupid, but as a family, we can't live like this anymore, both aren't in great health.
Please, has anybody gone through anything like this

We as a family went through this/are going through this still with my BIL, his addiction is alcohol but all the rest matches up. We have all done absolutely everything we can and reached a point, like you have, where you start to realise you’re not helping, you are actually enabling, and you simply cannot do anymore. Get some professional support for yourselves OP, one of the main things you need to remember about addiction as a family member is that you did cause it, you cannot control it and you cannot cure it. Look after yourself x

Sounds tough OP and I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this. Unfortunately as I'm sure you know, until he wants to stop, the cycle will continue.

Do you have the practicalities sorted? Just wondering whether you're looking for practical advice or moral support, maybe both?

As a parent we have that feeling of a lifelong responsibility towards our children and feel guilty if we don't help them when they are adults.

But there comes a time in their life when they have to take responsibility for their own actions and behaviour and their destiny is in their hands, not yours.

You've done all you can and more.

You now have to accept you can do no more and evict him.

Haven't been through it but wanted to just say that you're a very strong person and you've done right by your son.

Life isn't perfect, and no-one can say what they'd do until they've been through this.

Yanbu to do this and I wish you all the best - sorry that your grandchildren moved away

I could have written this myself 2 days ago OP. My son is an addict too. He had been clean for 3 years and bam! last weekend it all started again. Like you, I have done everything I possibly could to help him over the years.

Everyone says, 'oh I'd chuck him out, no drugs in my house', but until it happens to you, others have no idea what it's like. I get you, I understand. You try and try but it's never enough.

I sat in my car on Tesco car park and wept. I don't know your sons choice of addiction, but mine is right at the top Class A stuff.

We've been through the lying, the theft of cash, the selling of valuables, the sorry Mum, blah, blah. It's so bloody exhausting isn't it? I'm nearly 70 and I've told him I'm not doing it again, he's on his own. Mine has gone back to his hovel of a house and I'm done with him. Breaks my bloody heart though. If he overdoses then that's up to him. Some people would say that is wicked of me, but until you've walked in our shoes, don't criticise. Full blown heroin addiction is dreadful to be the bystander and know there is nothing you can do to stop it.

I think your son knows full well that you want him to go, so you have to do this OP. Tell him to go, his choice, stop the drugs or leave, that's it. I know it's hard, but it's his choice to make, as his mother, you have done your very best.

Be strong and look after yourselves first from now on.

I have been through this with my brother.

He will never get better while he hasn’t reached his ‘bottom’ and while he still has a roof over his head and people enabling him, he won’t get there. Unfortunately some addicts have to lose absolutely everything in order to find the strength (themselves) to get better. Some never do, and you have to find a way to make peace with that as well…that’s incredibly hard.

My brother sat with my father the day he died and made a promise to him that he would stop. A literal death bed promise…he’s still out there 4 years later, doing the same things. It controls him and no amount of begging and pleading on our part will make a difference.

Luckily my dad had anticipated this and put his inheritance in trust until he had a number of years recovery under his belt…not sure if that will ever happen!

We have found some useful advice in Al-Anon…detaching with love and accepting the illness for what it is is really the only way for you to have any semblance of peace. I’ve had therapy to deal with it.

You’re right that no one understands unless you’ve dealt with an addict: it’s a horrendous type of pain.

I would be careful and talk to a professional first. It sounds like ye may have been enabling him for awhile , just in case changing things slowly could be the better option. Be prepared for the possibility of ye having to get a restraining order also.

Maybe could you talk to an addiction professional and they could ask your son to come in at the next appointment for a type of intervention. Also, it is very important that he feels the consequences of his addiction, otherwise it is all to easy to brush them off and minimise them. As hard as it it, he needs to face court, bills etc. without ye. It will make him realise the impact his addiction is having. dont forget helplines or a doctor that doesn't know you too

I have unfortunately been the moving away girlfriend (with our kids). I also have been the cousin.
What helped me was looking at the addiction as a chronical, and possibly terminal, illness. This helped me accept that I was not the one to cure them.
I also gave it my all, nothing helped.
Does your son have additional mental health issues? The father to my children does, my cousin did as well. The psychological problems make it extra tough on everyone, because they prevent the addict or ill person from accepting their need of help.
It is the worst situation to be in, for everyone. It is there but it cannot be seen on a scan or echo. What can anyone possibly do.
I can only imagine how much worse it would be if it were my child, if I was the mother.
For this I only had to look at my aunt and uncle, the illness takes the whole family down.
I praise you for accepting and for your honesty. I really hope someone comes along here who has been the mother and can share her experience.
My advise from my personal experience is to
(If you could and want to)reach out to the exgirlfriend of your son, to stay in touch with your grand children, through her.
Keep that part of your life seperate from your son.
It will be good to have them in your life later on. You can tell them about their dad before the illness came and got him.
You dont need to talk about him with their mother, you can build a relationship separate from all the troubles.
Wishing you all the best op, you sound like a great, kind, loving person. Everything you do and did is absolutely what every mother would have. There is no right or wrong. You do your best and then lightning hits your home and it all falls apart. Out of your hands.
❤️

No matter what o just couldn’t give up on my son one day when he’s clean he’ll thankyou for never giving up on him

thats your son he is not his illness

with all due respect. Until you’re living in this situation you don’t know how you would deal with it.

OP I had a similar situation with my eldest when he was 18. I gave him an ultimatum and he chose to leave. He’s 23 now. And doing well, we aren’t particularly close but u hope to get that back one day.

hang in there, stay strong for yourself

My dds dad is an addict she turns 25 this year he hasn't really seen her since she was 3

That might be future us.
I don't see any changes, at all, so am kind of expecting this.
I would have loved to have had the support of my ex mil, to have kept her in our lives.
She chose differently unfortunately.
What has yours been like?

The council will find him somewhere for drug addicts. Stop enabling

You can access support for families of addicts to help you

https://addictionfamilysupport.org.uk/
Helpline: 03008883853

Adfam runs support groups for families in various areas
https://adfam.org.uk/find-support/

Smart offers in person and online support groups for families

https://smartrecovery.org.uk/smart_family__friends/

Please remember to look after yourself.

I run a support group for relatives of addicts IRL. And every single person there whose addict has found sobriety and recovery has done so because they were finally made to feel consequences. It is perfectly possible to support without enabling - but allowing someone to live in your home and use, and steal things, that is enabling.

For the majority of our recovered addicts, what made them find recovery was being evicted, having to face the world alone, realising they had a problem. And yes, they absolutely have expressed their thanks to their parents for taking a strong stand.

A friend of mine has been through this. Her son is absolutely lovely and hard-working but also a liar and thief because of the drugs. His parents have done so much for him but to avail

This is laughable. What do you give when you’ve got absolutely nothing left to give? Your peace, your sanity, your possessions, your headspace every second of every day are long gone. There is nothing left but love along with fear and anger and despair and frustration and pain. Our relationships with other family members and friends are harmed by the situation, often to breaking point. It destroys everything. Eventually something has to give. It’s like the worst kind of abusive relationship.

OP, I found a local support group who were wonderful and got me through some very dark times. Nobody understands like the people who have walked the walk. Sending love. x

Also please talk to your GP practice. There may be other local support groups for families in your area as well.
Your GP practice can help you find them.

Sure this poster means you didn’t cause it.

You poor things.
I haven’t been through this but my heart goes out to you, this must be so, so hard.
Are you in a 12 step programme that supports relatives of addicts? If not please go go and get plugged into a group that suits you. You need - and deserve - support.

Sending you and your son good wishes.

You don’t have to give them anything just don’t give up on them he’s not his illness somewhere in there is her son