To expect DP to have a bit more of a backbone?

[AutumnRayne]

DP works shifts, supposed to have them set weeks in advance however that has now dwindled to sometimes not knowing what time he's working and where until the morning of. This obviously makes planning for the week difficult however me and my daughter (not his biological child) have a routine that essentially excludes him because of the ever changing work schedule.

DP notoriously shit at laying down boundaries with anyone, especially work being too afraid to rock the boat to speak up even if that means us having to cancel pre arranged plans for his works poor planning of his schedule. He's never discussed this with them or mentioned their promised weeks in advance scheduling disappearing but anyway. Now, however, we have decided to TTC and I can't help but think his lack of being able to speak up will just leave me left juggling everything myself.

As an example this week he had been scheduled for night work. Great, we thought, and planned our week with some quality time together while DD is at school, and some school events he can finally come to. Turns out there's been a scheduling error, and the 9pm start was actually supposed to be 9am. Rather than him speak up to work and say well I've planned my week with my family around your scheduling error and it's not my problem now, he's cancelled everything this week to suit the new schedule.

AIBU in thinking he should have pushed work to schedule him at a different job with the same start time he was originally supposed to have, or him not to just drop everything so easily? He's an engineer so work isn't few and far between, always work available up and down the country so it isn't like they couldn't have found him something else. I can't help but think well if I had a newborn and was relying on him to be here this week, that would now be scrapped as he tends to say how high the second they ask him to jump.

(Lots of history of him doing this, cancelling and rearranging last minute to suit other things, not being willing to speak up in case it rocks the boat or upsets anyone, would rather upset and rock the boat with me as I tend to be supportive no matter what).

Not sure what I'm asking for really, just feeling let down and upset and worried about the future of TTC

Sounds like his employer is terrible can he not look for another job?

I’d tell him you’re putting TTC on hold until he can sort out his work schedule as it will make Family life impossible.

Stop being so “supportive” and kick up a bloody fuss. The only way he will change is if you make it more unpleasant for him to mess you about than speak to work. At the moment he can let them away with it, because you’re letting him away with it.

You're absolutely right, I do enable it. It has never really caused issues apart from me feeling a bit put second, but ultimately have chalked it up to work being that way and there's not much to be done about it. But with TTC it feels like it will be a bigger issue now, just not sure how to approach it with him as it will come as a surprise to him that it's all of a sudden an issue

He had actually left this employer before because of them being terrible but returned recently for the money and the love of the job, with the company promising better scheduling etc. That hasn't materialised but he just takes it lying down and doesn't say anything. He's like that with everything and is very non confrontational so I guess it highlights a much bigger problem

I think he should look for a new job and this time when he enters a new position he should start as he means to go on, ie, put down boundaries and request a schedule a week in advance, his employers are taking the piss
He needs to be more assertive, he seems to have been very unassertive in relation to boundaries in his current position and his employers have got used to that. He can practice his new found (hopefully) assertiveness in a new job where no one will know of his previous ‘walk over’ behaviour