For telling EX to go through court to see his kids

[Evecob]

We are in the middle of a divorce and for context there has been verbal and emotional abuse /coercive control/DA throughout the entirety of the relationship on and off. Occasionally physical abuse.
He has already had anger management, individual therapy and we tried couples therapy during the marriage and nothing really improved long term.

He was arrested and removed from the family home last year after throwing objects at me while driving in a speeding car with our 2 children in the back. (We separated shortly after the incident) While he was on bail he could still see the children via a 3rd party but I was advised by a solicitor to stop contact unless its a contact centre due to behaviours exhibited towards me, around the children, and to the children in the case of verbal abuse/neglect/slamming/banging and poking.

I requested proof of therapy from him via a 3rd party to then set up consistent visits with the children but this was ignored.
I submitted a contact centre application but he refused that as well.

CPS charged him but he was found not guilty of assault by beating in the end.

Now he is sending me emails from.his solicitor asking for child contact now that he got found not guilty from this incident, but I still dont have any accountability or proof his behaviour is changing. He just wants it all on his terms.

Am i right to push back and reaffirn what I already said, either proof of therapy, contact centre, or go through court/CAFCASS?
My children are on EHCP plans, my focus, and I dont want my children exposed if I can help it..

I would remind him that he is more than welcome to have supervised visits with his children, then stop engaging with him. If he chooses to go to court then so be it - he has that choice.

I agree with first post.
Make the DC available for contact at the contact centre.
Anger management issues don’t go away, even with therapy.

If he refuses contact centre then he can apply to court?

As long as its not unreasonable. I still question myself the whole relationship was full of gaslighting, its so difficult especially after the not guilty verdict. He is incredibly manipulative.

You are safeguarding your DC. If any of these incidents resulted in your DC telling school/getting harmed this is what SS would expect to see you doing. You're offering contact. If he takes you to court, take any proof you have of his abuse and the contact offered, they may well support your offer of supervised contact only.

It would partly depend on how old your children are and what they want. It makes a big difference whether they are four or fourteen.

I think a contact centre is really sensible as a starting point. Of course he won't want to do it, and will throw accusations at you. But it's a way of assessing his risk to the children and how he interacts with them. If it goes well he could then move to unsupervised contact.

You've made the offer. The ball is in his court. If he doesn't like it, he can look at legal alternatives such as court.

I'm assuming he's used to getting what he wants through bullying and intimidating. It's really hard to stand up under that. Your sense of yourself as a reasonable person will have been worn down. Firstly, you might find a domestic abuse support service helpful. Secondly, have social services been involved at all? I would expect something if the children's dad has been charged with assaulting their mother in front of them. It might be helpful to have some support as an independent, dispassionate third party.

Parents who behave like this to adults tend not to be great at treating children with respect or putting their emotional needs first. You, on the other hand, probably are.

Thanks, yeah they are 4 and 6 years old.

My daughter had a bond with him but my son didnt feel loved by him at all and jnew him as angry daddy.

He does not like being told what to do by me at all, i put boundaries in after what he did in the car and wouldnt let him drive me or the children and he hated it. I also stopped intimacy in the months leading up to our separation because i didnt feel safe or loved. This didnt make him reassure me just punish me and resent me

Puzzled by the not guilty verdict given what you describe, did you give evidence in court?

Yes. I even had a recording of him saying he threw the objects at me.

Before the trial started they tried to bargainbwith a restraining order for acquittal but I said no as he needed to be accountable.

His defence laywer was excellent and poked holes in my story, saying they didnt hit me, he was just frustrated and a bunch of lies about how i provoked him and i just wanted him out the house. I absolutely failed on the stand and didnt get to mention any previous abuse. I had provided CPS with previous abuse but they only told me on the day they couldnt use it it was only allowed to be about this incident....honestly i was shocked and digusted by the outcome.

Your legal team failed you, if you weren't told until the day previous abuse couldn't be used in Court. Any solicitor worth their salt, would have been aware of this and prepared you for the questioning by the defence solicitor. A defence solicitor is just that, and they can be ruthless and relentless. Have you spoken to a solicitor regarding these emails your husband is sending? If not, find another solicitor and seek advice. You are not stopping contact, you have made the children available via a contact centre. If he doesn't want to go through a contact centre or prove that's he sought therapy, then he will need to go through the family courts. I don't know, but if he did go through the courts, then he may be required to prove what action he's taking to resolve his anger issues.

It is very difficult for you to impose boundaries on a man like this so let the court do it. ie let him take you to court. But in the meantime yes offer him supervised access at a contact center so you can show you were trying to ensure the kids had a relationship with their dad whilst ensuring it was in a safe environment. Think what else would ideally help long-term here: my court order mandated anger management for him and drug tests (he smoked weed until the court effectively made him choose weed or his dd and he thankfully chose dd). Any final order you can include how you two communicate (eg there are apps for separated parents), choose handovers at the least emotive times eg he drops them at school, you pick them up from there.

I’ve suggested contact centre and court to my children’s ‘father’
three years later I’m still waiting🤷🏻‍♀️access is no fun if he can’t control me through it I guess

I am very sorry to hear about your experience in court. It is so hard for victims of abuse to give evidence in court for all sorts of reasons and it is so disheartening when you are brave enough to do so and then the court finds the defendant not guilty. The CPS absolutely should have been clearer about the fact that the hearing related to only to that one incident.

Thank you all. I feel a bit better about my decision. Im looking into a non mol as well but only for me not the kids. I need peace of mind to continue to heal and try get through this divorce

Non mols are only granted if there’s an ongoing threat of harm.
Strong boundaries will hopefully protect you.
Get the Family Wizard parenting app for all communication (Court can access this if required), it’s worked for dealing with my Ex: Cafcass could witness exactly what he was doing.

He was abusive the whole marriage and when we have separated in the past his abuse got worse.
He has sent over family members during bail conditions to tell me im ridiculous and intimidate me.
He isnt reasonable during this divorce either and refusing to sign over things i need and ignore my requests via his solicitor.. i feel nervous he will try and hurt me somehow. I would have thought i had grounds for a non mol?

Hiya I need some advice on what's the best thing to do here , me and my ex had planned on having a child together last year and only after I got pregnant to him he then started abusing me and controlling me , he also started dealing drugs even tho I begged him not to and he even sold bad drugs to little 15 Yr olds and was even giving them out to 15yr old girls for free I begged him to stop and he never listened he'd actually shout at me and say what do you want do you want a working man or a lazy slob even tho he doesn't even work he claims uc and deals drugs . in March while pregnant I caught him cheating and like an idiot I still stayed and after that things started getting worse he started going out drinking more and causing trouble outside whenever he went out with his pals , the social work has been involved scince January this year so they know about all his recent antics because they had their concerns on him and his family I won't say his name or his family's name but his family was involved in the uva and his dad had actually spent time in jail for kidnapping someone and knecapping a boy and also they had concerns on his brother who was getting out if jail in june (he's out now btw) my bf was wanting him to have contact with my baby even though me and the social work disagreed with that , I decided to leave him in april because he kept calling me everyday when I went to visit my mum at the Easter holiday and everyday he was clearly off his face on drink and drugs I couldn't take it anymore and decided to leave him because I knew that was the right thing to do for me and my baby (she's literally due in 6 days now) the social work are on my side and advised I don't put him on the birth certificate because he is a danger and so is is family (also forgot to mention my ex has a serious criminal past and has been involved with social work scince he was 12 and has over 62 police incidents) but he keeps calling social work demanding to know my home address and he's demanding to know when my baby is born the social work has told him he won't be getting to know that information and they also advised him that if he does get involved in baby's life a child protection order would have to be put in place , he's harassed me countless times scince I've left him via sending me emails or getting one of his friends to text me and even going as far as calling my mum at 3 am in the morning and sending her abusive texts calling her a incest f**k , I've been to police every time he harasses me but nothing ever happens he literally gets away with it everytime , I've been to women's aid and they have put in for two different marrac meetings now because everything has just been Escalating recently like for example he called social work demanding my adress and he said oh well I know where her parents adress is two days later he made a post of him and his friend wearing masks and holding knifes (btw he actually told the social worker my mum's adress and he was exactly right idk how he found that info out) I even went to police about that and still nothing has been done about him I even put a complaint into the police because nothing had been getting done about him . I genuinely belive that after the baby's due date he will start applying to courts for the right to see my baby what's the best way to fight against this and also in the uk can I legally refuse to take a paternity test because I do know that if I refuse that it can make it less likely for him to get on the birth certificate x