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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Need advice please

12 replies

AsunaLeafa · 07/04/2025 22:19

AiTA?

This is quite a long story i will try and explain as best I can.

Back story:

2015 I was 8 months pregnant and me and my partner go on a break, he has a one night stand with a work colleague who ends up pregnant. We do get back together and work through it we are now 10 years down the line. Our daughter was born March 2015 and my SS born November 2015.

The issue at hand:

I like to spoil my kids especially on birthdays and christmas and also in half terms I like to try and make plans with their and my friends. Now my SS mum accused me of treating my SS differently, leaving him out and basically making him feel unwanted because I plan and do things with my children when we don't have him instead of when we do have him am i in the wrong here?

I have been nothing but a good friend to her, supported her through her marriage break down and problems ober the years and I was so upset and hurt by what she said I instantly walked away from that friendship and withdrew any support from me.

My partner has now accused me.of the same because I refused for the first time ever to have him during the half term/weekend that's not our weekend!
(Partner works 8am-8pm) Monday to Friday. So I do 10p% of the childcare.

(Because my eldest lived with her dad I would have her whenever I could if offered extra, my partner (SS dad) threw in my face I would never refuse to have her when she was younger so why say no to my SS.)

I feel so shit as a person and a parent and partner that both of them feel and see me this way.

Am in the wrong here?

OP posts:
SpanThatWorld · 07/04/2025 22:24

Of course you can do stuff with your kids when SS isn't there. Presumably she does stuff with him when he is with her. He is your husband's child, not yours. Batshit.

Original poster
AsunaLeafa · 07/04/2025 22:26

SpanThatWorld · 07/04/2025 22:24

Of course you can do stuff with your kids when SS isn't there. Presumably she does stuff with him when he is with her. He is your husband's child, not yours. Batshit.

I said this and he wasn't happy. Yes SS has 2 holidays a year, days out, plays football for a team every season, he does more than what I can with my children.

OP posts:
GravyDenier · 07/04/2025 23:26

Yes

Eenameenadeeka · 07/04/2025 23:28

Man, this sounds like a tricky situation. Do you all have family days with your children, partner and your SS? Of course you are entitled to have special days with just your children during the holidays, but is SS getting special days with Dad as well? As he should treat all of his children equally for days out and birthdays etc. Even if it's generally you doing the organizing, it would not look that way to a child and I can see they would feel left out if siblings are getting things they aren't

Original poster
AsunaLeafa · 07/04/2025 23:38

GravyDenier · 07/04/2025 23:26

Yes

Can you explain?

OP posts:
Original poster
AsunaLeafa · 07/04/2025 23:40

Eenameenadeeka · 07/04/2025 23:28

Man, this sounds like a tricky situation. Do you all have family days with your children, partner and your SS? Of course you are entitled to have special days with just your children during the holidays, but is SS getting special days with Dad as well? As he should treat all of his children equally for days out and birthdays etc. Even if it's generally you doing the organizing, it would not look that way to a child and I can see they would feel left out if siblings are getting things they aren't

SS is always involved in days out, family gathering ect he's never missed one if it's not been our weekend I always ask to have him.so he can come. We take him.fir a.meal.on his birthday and he gets lots of gifts and sees the whole family x It's just this one time I've said no and I'm being made to feel so bad about it.

OP posts:
ohnowwhatcanitbe · 08/04/2025 00:14

Let me get this straight. When you were heavily pregnant, your partner went off and shagged someone else and got her pregnant as well, and he expects you to treat that child the same as you treat your own? And the woman he cheated with is blaming you for not treating her kid the same as you treat your own as well?

Bloody nora, they are taking the absolute piss. Unbelievable.

Monty27 · 08/04/2025 00:44

Not quite a blended family then. And probably never will be i suspect Yanbu!

Eenameenadeeka · 08/04/2025 00:53

AsunaLeafa · 07/04/2025 23:40

SS is always involved in days out, family gathering ect he's never missed one if it's not been our weekend I always ask to have him.so he can come. We take him.fir a.meal.on his birthday and he gets lots of gifts and sees the whole family x It's just this one time I've said no and I'm being made to feel so bad about it.

Show quote history

In that case, they're both being horrible to you and probably just want you to be providing free childcare?? Sounds like you've been a lot more tolerant than most people would be, I don't think I'd have taken him back (10 years ago) in this situation. You are allowed to have time with just your own children especially when he's not even there because he's at work.

Mayyouleave · 08/04/2025 01:04

Why have you said no this time when any other time it hadn't been an issue? Your SS must see you as his second mother and your child as his sibling since they are so close in age.

Original poster
AsunaLeafa · 08/04/2025 09:27

Mayyouleave · 08/04/2025 01:04

Why have you said no this time when any other time it hadn't been an issue? Your SS must see you as his second mother and your child as his sibling since they are so close in age.

He was away on holiday this week but they came back yesterday, (we was under the assumption it was a whole week not 4 days) I've made plans for my daughter and myself this entire week with friends (they drive i don't so with her, her kids and me and my daughter car is full). It's hard as if I knew he would have been back midweek and wanting to come if have arranged plans closer to home.

OP posts:
Original poster
AsunaLeafa · 08/04/2025 09:28

Eenameenadeeka · 08/04/2025 00:53

In that case, they're both being horrible to you and probably just want you to be providing free childcare?? Sounds like you've been a lot more tolerant than most people would be, I don't think I'd have taken him back (10 years ago) in this situation. You are allowed to have time with just your own children especially when he's not even there because he's at work.

Show quote history

I've had alot of people say to me they couldn't have done what I did but it wasn't my SS fault he didn't ask to be brought into this chaos I just tried to make it as normal as possible.

OP posts:
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