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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To expect DH not to want to work away for a week?

54 replies

loopylou6 · 15/05/2008 15:45

Dh has informend me today that his company want him to go down south to work for a week, he doesnt have to just if he wants to. Anyway we spoike briefly on the phone before and both agreed he wouldnt go, but then he phoned me before and said his boss is on his case and he cant stop thinking of the extra money, He wont go if i say not to but here is the AIBU part, i am very upset that should i ok it he would go since we moved in together (9 years ago) we have only spent 1 night apart and that was when i was in hospital having dd. I will probably get shot down for this post as i know lots of women on here deal with their dh/dp working away ALOT, but ic ant stop feeling so, well HURT

OP posts:

mumblechum · 15/05/2008 16:07

I think we've scared the OP off.

Come back!!!

lucykate · 15/05/2008 16:11

i think you need to look at the bigger picture here. think beyond him working away for a week and in terms of extra money, extra experience for him in his career, networking as he'd be meeting other colleagues, brownie point with the boss etc.

my dh works away a lot, both in the uk and abroad. i make sure when he's away, we have something planned for each day, a trip out, gardening, a picnic. invite some friends round one evening for a meal, (their dh/dp's can babysit for them), the best bit about them working away, is you have the homecoming to look forward too

Collision · 15/05/2008 16:13

I love DH being away!

Not because I dont miss him and not love him because I do. Loads.

But......I can eat when I want, watch crap TV when I want, sleep when I want, whole bed to myself.......

I do think you need to 'let' him go and make plans for yourself and not be quite so dependant on him. It will help him with his career and earn extra money for you and be good for both of you.

Sidge · 15/05/2008 16:16

Let him go - he can take you out to dinner when he gets back, with the extra money he's made!

I think you need to gently start creating a more independent lifestyle for yourself so that if there are occasions when he has to go away you aren't so anxious. My DH goes away for months at a time (he is military) so I am very good at arranging things for me and the children to do.

Organise a girls night in one night with your friends - DVDs, chocolate, wine, etc. You'll have a giggle!

Original poster

loopylou6 · 15/05/2008 16:21

LOL MC, you didnt scare me off, the gas went and i ahd to nip the shop thank you all for your replys, ive read them all and took what you all said on board, i have spoken to him and said i dont mind if he goes and now hes saying he has thought it through again and doesnt want to be apart from us for that long, i told him i honestly didnt mind and i dont want to be the reason why he has decided against it, but he is insistant, maybe he will change his mind who knows? TBH iw as quite getting used to the idea, i especially liked the sound of 'packing the fridge full of nice food and wine and getting dvds'
BeanieSteve, thanks for your understanding on the anxiety facter, yes i have recieved treatment and was discharged but it appears to be coming back with avengance

OP posts:

clutteredup · 15/05/2008 16:22

My DH is about to go away for 2 weeks. I am used to him being off for a night or 2 during the week but i was a bit narked about 2 whole weeks as i know the DC will miss him at the weekends. Mind you he has just started being at home a bit more, not away at all this week and I'm already missing my me time in the evening and the fact that i can scoff chocolate during the day then say I ate it in the evning beacuse i missed him - ha ha!!
It s sure to be a bit worryting if you've never doe it before but you'll probasbly find you'll cope just fine and as a result realise that you're strongert and much more capable than you realise. If you really have never spent any time apart for so long it will probably do both of you a lot of good, he'll realise he missed you and be really pleased to see you again. My DH says when he's been away for more than a week comes home and says 'I forgot how pretty you are' not sure entirely how to take it but I suppose it means he stopped taking me for granted for a second or two

beaniesteve · 15/05/2008 16:24

Sorry to hear the Anxiety is coming back Loopy.

I know how hard it can be even though mine was never that bad. Hope you do manage to get through the times you feel anxious. Some of us are born worriers I think.

Original poster

loopylou6 · 15/05/2008 16:24

Sidge, you're spot on there, i do need to become more independant, i have benn with DH since iw as 14, am now nearly 26 and without sounding cheesy he is my best friend and we do everything together, always have, but sometimes i do feel like i rely on him to much and that i need to get a life for myself am hoping it will work itself out soon as my second and final dc starts full time school in september and i have the possibility of a fantastic job, plus i have been studying really hard so i should have oppurtunitys (sp? i can NEVER spell that word) awaiting me

OP posts:

Original poster

loopylou6 · 15/05/2008 16:26

Aww thats sweet CU, sounds like a typical mans shot at being romantic

OP posts:

Sidge · 15/05/2008 16:31

It sounds like you're doing really well creating opportunities for yourself is fantastic!

I think it's lovely that your DH is your best friend and soulmate, however when the idea of him being away for a few nights sends you into a panic then you know it's time to develop your own interests (as you are doing). Turn the anxiety around and instead of wondering how you will cope, think of all the things you can do because he's away, not despite it.

Even if he doesn't go away this time, I think the fact you have told him that he could go is really positive.

AtheneNoctua · 15/05/2008 16:35

I agree with collision. My DH works away every week. I enjoy those night where I don't have to share the bed, don't have to make him dinner, and can do what I like for an hour or two before I go to bed. It's nice ehn he is is home. But on the odd occassion when he comes home unexpectedly I do think "oh bugger, I had my night planned. What are you doing here?"

Next week I am away on business (nut only Wed-Fri). I'm sure he won't mind.

Homebird8 · 15/05/2008 16:36

I'm afraid I think YABU. It's lovely when you can be together all the time but sometimes we all find things we'd just like to try. Being away from you isn't exactly tombstoning and he 'll sooo want to come back. It's great when you get to be together again after a few days. It can get quite adictive. I'm sure you'll find there is an upside when there's something you want to do. Tell yourself it's his duty to go if you want but isn't it better to feel that you support anything which makes him happy and to know he feels the same about you?

Original poster

loopylou6 · 15/05/2008 16:42

Thanks sidge, i must admit though i did feel relieved when he said he wasnt going to go
HB i did end up telling him i didnt mind him going (thanks to this wise lot) I know what you mean about supporting each other

OP posts:

belgo · 15/05/2008 16:44

Must working people I know (man or woman, parent or non parent) are expected to go on business trips now. It's just the way things are.

Original poster

loopylou6 · 15/05/2008 16:45

Yeah but hes not a business man hes a gas man lol

OP posts:

AtheneNoctua · 15/05/2008 16:56

I think Gas is a business.

belgo · 15/05/2008 16:56

That's why I said working people.

Original poster

loopylou6 · 15/05/2008 16:58

yeaH SORRY BELGO, JUST RE-READ YOUR POST, YOU DID CLEARLY SAY 'WORKING PEOPLE' [BLUSH]

OP posts:

Original poster

loopylou6 · 15/05/2008 16:58

oops sorry for the caps

OP posts:

beaniesteve · 15/05/2008 17:02

Gosh - Loopy. Does he read meters? My ex worked for Accuread and was away all the time. By that time we were not getting on so I didn't care but his trips away were usually a week somewhere like Wrexham staying in a crap travel lodge with a couple of virtual strangers doing long hours in a place he didn't know.

belgo · 15/05/2008 17:02

When my dh goes away I make sure I have a list of important phone numbers to hand - for example electricity/water/gas so that if something happens, then I can call someone. Also I tell friends that I'm going to be on my own, and I know they'll help out in an emergency.

LIZS · 15/05/2008 17:03

dh is often away for the odd night or a few -I have a bath (might be tricky tonight as no water atm), do nails etc once kids ar ein bed - and was frequently away while we lived abroad, leaving me and two kids in a foreign country. Try not to dwell on it, although the fact he gets a nice undisturbed sleep while I sleep fitfully makes me . Plan ahead so you have fewer chores to get anxious about and can enjoy the space a bit. The time will pass and you'll cope.

Original poster

loopylou6 · 15/05/2008 17:06

He doesnt read meters BS, hes fits heating systems and stuff
Good ideas belgo and lizs

OP posts:

serendippity · 15/05/2008 17:25

Loopy- i do completly understand, i suffer from anxiety, and weird spirling thoughts that i get sometimes if dp goes away. I used to hate it...however, now i enjoy it when he's way As others have said it gives me time to be selfish in the evenings! I get lovely food, watch crap, have some wine and, most importantly, HAVE THE BED TOTALY TO MYSELF!
I used to get people to come and stay, my mother or a relative to help out- is that possible?
Belgo's idea of all important contact no's written down is really good too.
Dp does go away, not just on buisness but also on a yearly holiday with freinds. It does him a world of good to be away for a little while, and i am aaaallllways harping on about "time to myself" so i can't expect him not to want it also We love each other to pieces and when he's away we normaly speak twice a day, but there is no doubt the time apart does us some good, both mentaly and for the relationship. His wanting to go is not a rejection of you, it sounds like he would like the extra money and maybe he would like a little time away from home.
A week's not so bad, believe me. Try and find loads of activites for daytimes, and be selfish in the evenings so you have treats to look forward to
Hope this helps a little x

Original poster

loopylou6 · 15/05/2008 17:28

Thatw as a lovely post, thanks Sd X

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