To want to leave DH

mumofoneAlonebutokay · 07/04/2025 21:34

Yanbu ltb x

Arlanymor · 07/04/2025 21:35

What price your sanity lovely?

Reddog1 · 07/04/2025 22:06

The “shouting and swearing” is a form of abuse. And despite your best efforts, your children will almost certainly have picked up on the ambience. I think that you either make a concerted effort to repair (maybe with counselling) or you part ways as amicably as you can.

cadburyegg · 07/04/2025 22:21

I instigated the break up from my husband, because I found it was like having a third child. You’re not being selfish. It’s okay to want more. And don’t feel like you need something concrete like physical abuse or an affair to break the marriage up. I grew up in a tense household with my parents arguing and fighting all the time, my mum wasn’t happy but she stayed for my sake. I was often dispersing fights between them and it put a huge strain on me. I didn’t want the same for my children. (I realise most people don’t want their children to grow up in a single parent household either). Life is short. You live once only.

Your children will adapt to a different lifestyle but I would suggest looking at things realistically and get your ducks in a row before you leave. If your husband earns well and is employed through PAYE (ie not self employed) he will be liable to pay a decent amount of maintenance but this will stop when your youngest hits 16 (or 18 if they stay in education) so you cannot rely on this longer term. You will probably need to get a full time job.

Depending on your salary universal credit may help you with childcare costs.

Get some figures together. Your salary, his salary. Mortgage amount, amount of equity in your current house. Minimum price of house you’d be looking at. What’s the maximum you could borrow on your own. Then I’d suggest speaking to a solicitor about your options.

BakelikeBertha · 07/04/2025 22:22

I think in all honesty that you have to do what is right for you OP. It is always difficult for the children, but it's also difficult as a child to be aware that your parents aren't getting on, as this can make them feel just as insecure, as you separating would. I also think kids tend to be happier, if they know that you're happy, and if you've brought them up properly, you will be able to explain that things won't be the same financially, but you will always do your best for them, and that they'll be OK, as long as you all work together, be kind, and help each other out.

AnotherNaCha · 07/04/2025 22:27

So many women I know (self included) hit early 40s and have a wake-up call around men and stop pandering to their pathetic moods and demands and in reality, abusiveness. You will no doubt be happier and the kids also without the heaviness. You should get half of joint assets, including pension hopefully? Gather the papers and get legal advice. Short term pain, long term gain!

SaladSandwichesForTea · 07/04/2025 22:29

I'd probably stay because leaving only really benefits him and, rather spirefully, I think its what he wants but doesn't have the balls to say it.

Ducks in a row time for the inevitable affair though, because he isn't happy and men don't often leave without another woman lined up. He is already making you the problem I'm his mind to give himself an out. So yes, prepare to leave, but only when it's convenient to you and best for the kids I.e. you reach the tipping point of him becoming too difficult while you prepare to leave.

Coldiron · 07/04/2025 22:32

How does leaving only benefit OPs husband?

I remember when I left my shouty ex husband and the feeling of calm when I walked through the door of my new home was priceless and rubbed off on the kids too

INeedAnotherName · 07/04/2025 22:42

How do you want your life to look like in five years, or ten, or even twenty? When do you think is the right time to leave an angry, dismissive man? Because the reality is that you will never be in a decent financial position and you will end up retired aged 70 and living with him 24/7. If that thought doesn't motivate you then you are not ready to leave just yet.

Fadesto · 07/04/2025 22:53

You can leave wherever you want for any reason. Personally if there’s no abuse I’d want to know I’ve done everything to fight for the marriage like therapy, but you can’t fight for it if one of you is mainly looking out for themselves. I’d - and I know this will be judged- probably also work out how much money you’d have monthly without him and what lifestyle you could afford. Then I’d consider how bad things are, if they can be improved at all, and if the money outweighs the negatives. Which life seems better? I’m not saying money is better, but it’s good to consider it. Again, leave if you want to for any reason, that’s your choice and if you and dc will be happier it’s a no brainier

Twoshoesnewshoes · 07/04/2025 23:00

Would it help to share ballpark financial figures on here OP, people could help you with an idea of what you could get?
I definitely agree ltb

cakeandteaandcake · 07/04/2025 23:04

Reddog1 · 07/04/2025 22:06

The “shouting and swearing” is a form of abuse. And despite your best efforts, your children will almost certainly have picked up on the ambience. I think that you either make a concerted effort to repair (maybe with counselling) or you part ways as amicably as you can.

Counselling is categorically not recommended when there is abuse.

cakeandteaandcake · 07/04/2025 23:05

SaladSandwichesForTea · 07/04/2025 22:29

I'd probably stay because leaving only really benefits him and, rather spirefully, I think its what he wants but doesn't have the balls to say it.

Ducks in a row time for the inevitable affair though, because he isn't happy and men don't often leave without another woman lined up. He is already making you the problem I'm his mind to give himself an out. So yes, prepare to leave, but only when it's convenient to you and best for the kids I.e. you reach the tipping point of him becoming too difficult while you prepare to leave.

What an insane post. Leaving would benefit OP and her children.

SaladSandwichesForTea · 08/04/2025 09:01

cakeandteaandcake · 07/04/2025 23:05

What an insane post. Leaving would benefit OP and her children.

Show quote history

Really? OP works very part time and is dependent on his salary and predicts that splitting will lead to a significant drop in living standards.

What is insane about stating in a relationship that she describes as not abusive while she makes plans to safeguard a future?

If she doesn't leave the family home and kicks her husband out, she can't pay the bills. If she walks out, where will she and the kids go?

So no, I don't think it's insane to stay ina difficult but non-abusive relationship while she looks for better work, jointly pay off more of the house and equity so there is more money for a new home, and perhaps decides a sensible point to leave e.g. when looking to move the second child into secondary school, so both kids can potentially be moved once, rather than twice, if the area remains unaffordable.

cakeandteaandcake · 08/04/2025 09:27

SaladSandwichesForTea · 08/04/2025 09:01

Really? OP works very part time and is dependent on his salary and predicts that splitting will lead to a significant drop in living standards.

What is insane about stating in a relationship that she describes as not abusive while she makes plans to safeguard a future?

If she doesn't leave the family home and kicks her husband out, she can't pay the bills. If she walks out, where will she and the kids go?

So no, I don't think it's insane to stay ina difficult but non-abusive relationship while she looks for better work, jointly pay off more of the house and equity so there is more money for a new home, and perhaps decides a sensible point to leave e.g. when looking to move the second child into secondary school, so both kids can potentially be moved once, rather than twice, if the area remains unaffordable.

Show quote history

The relationship clearly IS abusive.

Maitri108 · 08/04/2025 09:38

It's common for fractious parents to think the children don't notice the atmosphere in the house or the arguments.

You say you've kept the arguments away from the children, so he's only slamming doors, shouting and swearing when they're out of the house?

He also doesn't seem to want to spend time with his children which must be very hurtful for them. Does he moan about not having time to himself in front of them?

If you ask children what they'd prefer, a drop in living standards or to continue living with someone who sees them as a nuisance and is constantly in a mood, they don't tend to choose the latter.

You'll have to make compromises OP.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 08/04/2025 10:21

A three bed flat probably a lot cheaper than house,
And you might be able to stay in the house or get a bit more equity. Luckily you're married so have rights

Seek legal advice first and make a plan

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 08/04/2025 10:26

Also, you could try couples counselling to deal with the 'time to myself' comment.
You could then get a schedule of when one of you is 'in charge' of kids meals/drop offs homework etc and which one has a night or weekend day off (and when family time is if you want it too! )

See if he'll agree to 50/50. Very likely he won't! If he does then great you get a bit of social life too, if he won't then you'll have good evidence that he's unwilling to commit to equal parenting and the children are used to having you do more day to day stuff with them, which will be helpful if you want them to live more with you (and he'll have to pay you chicken maintenance) but he tries to argue on separation for 50/50 (to avoid child maintenance). then write this plan down in an email and stick to it.

On your time off so things for you - see friends, exercise, beautify yourself - don't just do family housework. Have a glow up to boost your mood confidence and put you in a great position if you do spit (or make him see you as so attractive he fights for your marriage - win win).

It MIGHT save your marriage but more likely it will help the kids get used to which days they are being parented by mum vs dad and then they'll get used to it and be better prepared when you do split.

pipthomson · 18/08/2025 21:53

EH7 · 07/04/2025 21:25

Been together for over 20 years, now early 40s. We have 2 kids aged 8 and 11. We've become very different people with very different interests.
Over the last couple of years things haven't been great. More arguing, but when this happens he has become increasing snappy, moody etc. If something minor annoys him I find I'm always tip toeing around him. The latest argument ended with him slamming doors, shouting and swearing and I feel at the end of my tether. I feel like it shouldn't be this hard, and actually I'm not sure I even want to fight for it. He is always saying he doesn't get enough time to himself, but I think he would always want more regardless and any effort I put in, eg. taking kids out to give him time, is just met with the comment that the time went quickly and he didn't get as much done as he'd want. I think he has become quite self-centred.
However we have largely managed to keep arguments away from the kids (i'm aware they're not stupid and probably pick up more than we think), so I think if we split it would be a massive shock to them, so not sure if I should suck it up to keep things normal for them. There's no abuse etc., and the kids would obviously still see him so it's not like I'm removing them from (at least what I perceive to be) his selfishness.
Also he earns a good salary (circa £80k) whereas I have a very part-time flexible job, so I#m worried how I would cope financially. We have decent equity in the house but live in a very expensive area and so separating would mean a significant drop in living standards. As my kids are boy and girl I would need a 3 bed house and as eldest is due to start high school I would want to stay in the same area. I could obviously get a full time job but don't really have any experience, skills etc so would be starting on a low salary. Also I have very little in the way of pensions. My kids would see a significant drop in "nice" things that they have become used to- eg. holidays, days out etc, on top of coming to terms with the change to their family. Am I being selfish for considering this?

Maybe you should go to CAB to see what your options are you don’t have to make any decisions until you have all the information
slamming doors is a form of domestic violence and disrespectful
you are not being devious
you need to be well armed with your rights
not everyone can move on ( eg when the aggressor is the carer and has control over the finances etc count your blessings)