To consider moving even though DC doesn't want to?

Dinonightlight · 2025-04-07T15:58:53+00:00

I dislike where I live and would like to move. In fact I would go as far as to say it makes me miserable. DC (young adult, early 20s, finished education) doesn't want to move Because they have friends and a boyfriend here as well as part time work..Understandable. I don't have that. My work is remote, I do not have anyone locally. DC also does not want to move out until her and her boyfriend are in a more stable financial position to move in together (sensible obviously) Me moving would mean dc is forced to move out alone (rent amounts would be an issue so she would have to find more hours which is tricky at the moment) She could of course see if they would let her stay in the rental we are currently in and seek more work hours. Dc could move out herself in a year but it also could be ten years. The thought of another year here horrifies me never mind more. I was married very young to an abuser who I left when she was small and the years that followed were just struggling to manage.l At one point would it make me less of a monster to say you are an adult, I'm an adult, I want to live a life and start looking?

Bollihobs · 07/04/2025 17:08

Of course you are not being unreasonable OP!

From the title I thought you meant your DC was a young child but as she's an adult treat her as such - sit down and say "This isn't working for me any more and I want, and need, to change that and these are my plans" Involve her, give her lots of notice and a rough timeline but at the end of the day you are perfectly entitled to say and do what you want with your own life. You are a person in your own right, not just her Mum. Good luck, hope it all works out for you.

Els1e · 07/04/2025 17:10

No reason for your dc not to be working full time. I would give them 1 years notice that by April 2026 you will be living elsewhere. Start making your plans as to what area you want to move to, what job, is it realistic etc

Rainydaysandwellybobs · 07/04/2025 17:11

I disagree, she is very young at 20 to be having to house herself (these days, I know we all did it but it is a very different world now!)
I would at least want to see her settled and coping on her own before I went anywhere.

NerrSnerr · 07/04/2025 17:32

Why isn't she working full time? She also doesn't need to live by herself- she can find a house share.

Original poster

Dinonightlight · 07/04/2025 17:42

Rainydaysandwellybobs · 07/04/2025 17:11

I disagree, she is very young at 20 to be having to house herself (these days, I know we all did it but it is a very different world now!)
I would at least want to see her settled and coping on her own before I went anywhere.

Interesting.

At what age would you consider not too young?
She's 23. I was married and had her already at this age. Which admittedly was the stupidest thing I've ever done (the marriage not her obviously)

I wasn't intending to go immediately or without giving her the time to find somewhere else.

I'm well aware that her boyfriends brothers and sisters are mostly still at home and in their late 20s/30s so I don't envision that her boyfriend would want to move out anytime soon.

OP posts:

Watermill · 07/04/2025 17:44

How many hours does she work?

Couldnt she rent a room in a shared house like everyone else?

Original poster

Dinonightlight · 07/04/2025 17:45

NerrSnerr · 07/04/2025 17:32

Why isn't she working full time? She also doesn't need to live by herself- she can find a house share.

She is in the job position she was in while at university. She has been promised that they will increase her hours and it is the field she wants to work in.
Although in honesty I have doubts about their commitment to raising hours.

OP posts:

Justkeepingplatesspinning · 07/04/2025 17:51

If you weren't so nice as a parent your child would be working full-time and starting to progress their career, because you'd be charging them board. She needs to apply for a full-time job or a graduate scheme.
You need to do what is best for you. She could turn around tomorrow and say she's moving out.
Give her fair warning e.g. 6 months notice that you're moving, and tell her the options that she has.

OhCalmTheFuckDownMargaret · 07/04/2025 17:52

People far younger than 23 are having to house themselves. My mother had 2 children and moved away from her parents at that age.

WeHaveTheRabbit · 07/04/2025 18:00

At 23, she can certainly support herself financially. I don't think we do adults any favours by allowing them to live an extended adolescence. It's up to her to decide what she wants to do now: find a second job to supplement her part-time earnings, find a different full-time job, move to a less expensive area, look for a houseshare, etc. She has options.

May09Bump · 07/04/2025 18:05

I would give DD the option of helping her to transition to a house share / full time job or move with you with a longer transition period.

When are you able to exit your rental agreement?

Rainydaysandwellybobs · 07/04/2025 19:16

Dinonightlight · 07/04/2025 17:42

Interesting.

At what age would you consider not too young?
She's 23. I was married and had her already at this age. Which admittedly was the stupidest thing I've ever done (the marriage not her obviously)

I wasn't intending to go immediately or without giving her the time to find somewhere else.

I'm well aware that her boyfriends brothers and sisters are mostly still at home and in their late 20s/30s so I don't envision that her boyfriend would want to move out anytime soon.

Show quote history

I lived with my now husband and our infant son at 23, I left home 3 years earlier so we could live together.
It was a different world then! Where we live a nice 3 bed rental house was about £350-400 per month, weekly groceries including nappies, formula milk and a few treats rarely cost more than £80. You could go out for the evening as a couple and get very merry and a taxi home for £50-60!!
I am not a dinosaur, I am 41 but it sounds like I lived in a different universe to young people today. My son is now 18, I just couldn't imagine in 2-5 years saying 'right, we're off, sort yourself out ' and moving away.
Each to their own but I couldn't do it.
I think the age they should move out is the age they are ready (unless they are lazy bums that just want to game all day and smoke weed in their childhood bedroom! ).

BlondeMummyto1 · 07/04/2025 19:19

OhCalmTheFuckDownMargaret · 07/04/2025 17:52

People far younger than 23 are having to house themselves. My mother had 2 children and moved away from her parents at that age.

You can’t compare life decades ago to life now.

Original poster

Dinonightlight · 07/04/2025 19:19

May09Bump · 07/04/2025 18:05

I would give DD the option of helping her to transition to a house share / full time job or move with you with a longer transition period.

When are you able to exit your rental agreement?

I have been in the property years so we are on a rolling month to month contract now. I could leave with a month's notice.

OP posts:

Original poster

Dinonightlight · 07/04/2025 19:39

Rainydaysandwellybobs · 07/04/2025 19:16

I lived with my now husband and our infant son at 23, I left home 3 years earlier so we could live together.
It was a different world then! Where we live a nice 3 bed rental house was about £350-400 per month, weekly groceries including nappies, formula milk and a few treats rarely cost more than £80. You could go out for the evening as a couple and get very merry and a taxi home for £50-60!!
I am not a dinosaur, I am 41 but it sounds like I lived in a different universe to young people today. My son is now 18, I just couldn't imagine in 2-5 years saying 'right, we're off, sort yourself out ' and moving away.
Each to their own but I couldn't do it.
I think the age they should move out is the age they are ready (unless they are lazy bums that just want to game all day and smoke weed in their childhood bedroom! ).

Show quote history

Thank you for answering.

OP posts:

bridgetreilly · 07/04/2025 19:44

I think you need to decide on a date in six months or so and tell DD that she is welcome to come with you, of course, but if she wants to stay, she will have to sort herself out, More hours, a second job, a house share, move in with boyfriend, whatever. She is old enough to take responsibility for herself. You can help her try to find somewhere, maybe help with a deposit or getting house things she needs. But you are perfectly reasonable to get on with your own life now.

Boredlass · 07/04/2025 19:47

Of course you should go. She an adult. She can get a full time job and do a house share or bedsit. She’s probably been mollycoddled all her life and expects you to always help her out.

Teado · 07/04/2025 19:48

It is really good that she’s working in her field of interest but she needs to push for more hours or get a second job. Then, she will be able to afford a house share if she doesn’t want to move with you.

Treating young adults as if they were still 17 does them no favours in the end.

PurpleThistle7 · 07/04/2025 19:49

I know things are different nowadays but 23 isn’t a child and unless she’s splitting the bills she doesn’t have a say really. I’d put a hard deadline on it and she can figure out what to do. Would she be allowed to come with you if she wants? There’s really no reason for you to be constrained by her boyfriend and part time job.

Tbrh · 07/04/2025 19:52

What's a few more years so DC can be on a more stable footing. These are the years where she should be saving as much as she can

MoominMai · 07/04/2025 20:16

Tbrh · 07/04/2025 19:52

What's a few more years so DC can be on a more stable footing. These are the years where she should be saving as much as she can

OP already said it’s making her miserable. Her daughter is 23 and ‘stable footing’ is subjective. As OP said DC is university educated and waiting on hours in her preferred field to be raised so she could be waiting for anywhere from a few months to a few years. DC could easily get a second job and take responsibility now for securing an independent and stable future for herself. It’s not reasonable for OP to be expected to postpone her life and happiness until DC feels ready.

Grendel7 · 17/01/2026 21:22

Rainydaysandwellybobs · 07/04/2025 19:16

I lived with my now husband and our infant son at 23, I left home 3 years earlier so we could live together.
It was a different world then! Where we live a nice 3 bed rental house was about £350-400 per month, weekly groceries including nappies, formula milk and a few treats rarely cost more than £80. You could go out for the evening as a couple and get very merry and a taxi home for £50-60!!
I am not a dinosaur, I am 41 but it sounds like I lived in a different universe to young people today. My son is now 18, I just couldn't imagine in 2-5 years saying 'right, we're off, sort yourself out ' and moving away.
Each to their own but I couldn't do it.
I think the age they should move out is the age they are ready (unless they are lazy bums that just want to game all day and smoke weed in their childhood bedroom! ).

Show quote history

Ah,yes, the new flaky generation who need their ickle hands holding for everything.Take their mums with them to appointments,job interviews everywhere! Whats wrong today for this lack of responsibility to be so prevalent?

Rainydaysandwellybobs · 18/01/2026 08:18

Grendel7 · 17/01/2026 21:22

Ah,yes, the new flaky generation who need their ickle hands holding for everything.Take their mums with them to appointments,job interviews everywhere! Whats wrong today for this lack of responsibility to be so prevalent?

Show quote history

What a weird take on my post (from April last year!)
My son is now 19, he has been working full-time for over 12 months including overtime, he pays board. He went to any interviews by himself on the bus. He now drives and gets himself to/from work by himself.
He had a doctor's appointment recently (we worked it out - 1st one in over ten years!) He went by himself.
He has many thousands of pounds saved for a house deposit when the time comes.
Please tell me how I am holding his hand through everything?
My 15 year old daughter works and goes to school in the next county on the bus by herself-has done since she was 11. I do take her to her paediatrics appointments though because they won't see her without me🤷‍♀️ perhaps I should kick her out 'into the real world' and see how she fairs.
Just because I don't agree with 'kicking them out' at 20 (the age I was when I left home for good) doesn't mean I am babying young adults. Perhaps if you were not so desperate to write a silly, snarky post and read what I actually wrote you would have realised that before you commented.

CasperGutman · 18/01/2026 08:53

Discuss this with her openly. Explain the reasons for you wanting to move, but that you recognise there are things in her life that mean she'll probably want to stay. Talk about how you can both move forward and where you want to be in a few years.

Having done all that, one possible approach might be to set a goal of getting her to a position of being able to live independently within a certain time frame. You mentioned between one and ten years, so how about aiming for 2-3 years, and helping her to break down the things she needs to achieve to make that happen?

If she ends up splitting from the boyfriend and finding a different job in another area the meantime then all well and good. The planning and preparation will still help her to grow and become more independent.