When I initially started OLD i would agree to dinner dates or drinks or even something fun like bowling mini golf etc. Very quickly I realised that it wasn’t for me. With this I was basically agreeing to spend significant time with someone I had never met and not once did it end in a second date. It just felt awkward and strange.
I then changed to quick coffee dates, with the thoughts that if we didnt vibe I still got a coffee, spent a quick 30 mins in someone’s company and that was it. With the idea of prolonging it if we both wanted to. So far this has worked well. No expectations etc had a couple that’s extended beyond the coffee and onto further dates. Still single though. I also think the quick coffee isn’t good for an initial meet. Then a proper date can be arranged or continued on the same day if we both agree.
fast forward to now and I’ve been chatting to someone online. He invited me out for dinner and drinks. I refused and explained my reasons but suggested my trusted coffee date. He says that a quick coffee isn’t going to show if we’re compatible and doesn’t understand about in person vibes being different to our chats on the phone. He did eventually agree to the coffee with the understanding we could do something else if we both were feeling it. I’ll be honest I did think he wasn’t for me at this stage but the chats had been good and we got on so I thought give it a go.
We got into a heated debate the following day which led to him saying he thought it was wrong I'm chatting / dating others and still on the app. He asked and I was honest that I was chatting to others and would be open to other coffee dates. I explained that dating is getting to know different people and seeing who you have a better connection with. That until I was in a relationship or had at least a few dates with someone and knew it was going somewhere I would still be on the apps and chatting to others. He is of the opinion that once we’ve agreed to the date then we should both stop chatting to others until we either agree to give it a go or not.
I explained coffee isn’t really date 1 and more of just a meet up. Date one is the extension of this or the next time we meet where it would be something a bit longer than 30 mins and where we could really start to connect. I think the way I see it is coffee is the equivalent of swapping numbers in the pub after meeting. Then the real date happens afterwards when you know the attraction is there in person and you’re both interested in the real thing and not the online version.
I’ve since told him I’m not sure about us meeting for coffee after all or if I even want to continue to chat with him. There are a couple things that have made me think this, the not understanding that vibing in person is a real thing and then the telling me I shouldn’t still be using the apps etc.
My question is, is a coffee date initially a bad thing (with the option of extending if it goes well) ? What are others thoughts on dating. If your online is it ok to still be on the apps chatting to others and potentially having dates with others? Or once you’ve started chatting for a few days consistently should I be ignoring others? Or when I agree to a date should I stop talking to others?
I always insist on paying my own coffee and then will offer to split the bill going forward. If I’m not feeling it I will insist but if he offers to pay and I’m happy for another date then I’ll get the next one.
help a girl out I’ve never experienced this before, in the past everyone has been fine with the initial coffee date. I’ve also never had to explain myself about chatting and dating others, it’s never came up and when it did we had been on a few dates and the chat about us being exclusive was happening. By then I hadn’t spoke to others and was happy to pause my profile. Again I would delete when I knew 100% we were going somewhere.
I want to point out I have no issue with a man doing the same, it’s after we have agreed we’re not talking to others that I would want it paused or deleted.