To take my non verbal autistic son on holiday on my own?

[StrawberryCo]

Am I absolutely crazy to even consider it?!
My son is (apologies for the term) low functioning semi-verbal (many singular words) He’s nearly 9, large for his age and more like a very big 2 year old!

I would absolutely love him to have a proper sunny holiday abroad. He loves his food, loves the water, beaches etc. Unfortunately DH has always been dead against taking him abroad as he thinks it would be a disaster.

I feel sad that he’s likely never going to have a proper holiday unless he goes with official carers.

I believe he would be fine if it’s planned meticulously. Am I mad for considering taking him alone? It would be difficult but not impossible.

Currently we take him on little caravan holidays or Butlins etc.

Obviously wouldn’t want to get into difficulties abroad with my son. Thanks for reading! I want him to experience everything that other children his age experience (with adaptions)

I personally wouldn't as getting there via plane sounds like a nightmare. There are plenty of beautiful sandy beaches in the UK which are just as good as the ones abroad.

You know your son. Think through every step. Will he manage each step? Will he manage so many different steps all at once? What happens if he decides he has done enough and won’t do any more? Have a back up plan. If it goes wrong, you still have to get him home.

You have posted in AIBU. You may get more nuanced answers if you posted in https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/special_needs_chat

Just a thought. Do you have a network of others in your situation? Could you club together to choose suitable accommodation somewhere and to book a private flight from a smaller airport like Shoreham over one of the bigger ones. (You don’t say what your finances are like).

Depends on his behaviour and what he can cope with? SIL takes her non-verbal autistic son on holiday abroad every year mostly by herself (my brother is useless), she knows his triggers and how to manage him. My nephew is 13 this year.

This. Could he cope with the change of routine, different climate, different food etc, the plane ride etc without screaming the place down?
Only you know his needs, and there is obviously a wide spectrum.

Well, people take 2 year olds on holiday all the time.

You know your son well and probably have a good idea of how he copes with travel, with delays, with unfamiliar surroundings, different food etc. You've already taken him on holidays within the UK. The big difference would probably be the amount and type of travel.

In your position, I would go for it if I felt that it was something he would cope with. My only real concern would be if something happened to you (illness etc) as a lone parent abroad. The whole thing would be easier and less stressful with another person along (DH is the obvious one, or maybe you have a sibling or parent who might go?). But on the whole, I would still do it even as a sole carer.

How is he when you travel to Butlins and on holiday there?

It's hard to say without knowing exactly why your DH thinks it would be a disaster.

The fact that your DS needs support and doesn't say much are not in and of themselves reasons not to travel.

I was expecting you to say he struggles with unfamiliar food, but if that's not the case, most other things can be planned for I'd think.

YABU to not consider anything in the UK a "proper holiday". I am autistic and find it really stressful going abroad - it is so far out of my comfort zone. Different food, different languages spoken etc, potentially a different time zone. Really, really think about what he would get from a beach holiday abroad that you couldn't get in Cornwall or similar.

I don't think the "benefits" of maybe being somewhere slightly hotter would out weigh the negatives (both for you and for him) tbh - I'm with your DH on this one.

People go to Spain for the weekend. I know that would make the travel cost very expensive for the amount of holiday time you would have, but it would show you how he would cope.

Or maybe travelling by ferry would suit him better. He would have a bit more space and you would be able to eat and drink whenever you wanted and be able to take him on longer walks around the boat.

It's probably easier with a child like yours who obviously has needs than an autistic child who doesn't. People are much more likely to be tolerant and sympathetic if its obvious that he isn't just a naughty child who need more discipline.

And worst case scenario if it all goes pear-shaped and they disturb the flight or even have to divert the plane well that happens fairly frequently for grown adults who ought to know better and are being disruptive, probably drunk, so it's not the end of the world.

I would say try it and see. Pick somewhere where the flying time is not too long if you can. Make sure you have all the travel insurance you need. Also, if he has sensory issues make sure you have these for his ears (linked below) they are air pressure regulating ear plugs and have quite literally saved our bacon with our now 14 year old autistic son who responds very very badly to ear pain. Also make sure you perhaps talk to the airline special assistance beforehand so they are aware and can provide help if needed.

Also, my son developed a flying phobia for a while so I took him on little trips I knew we could get back via another way (ferry- Jersey) or train (France). That proved successful and in August we are going to Australia. That might be an idea if you know he will be fine on a train etc but not sure how he will cope with a plane.

Your DS deserves a holiday as much as anyone else and it sounds like he will love it. My only other recommendation is - take things as slowly and calmly as you can. Don't have too high expectations and be prepared to adapt to him as needed.

FWIW my son is now 14 and is verbal but he has autism and adhd and tourettes and my DH alos refused to take him on holidays as he said it would be too much and too difficult and too stressful. So from the age of 6 I just did it myself. We went to Centerparcs and on a cruise and to the Channel Islands 3 times and to Paris. Since then DH realised how much HE was missing out and so we have all been together to Lapland, Greece, Cyprus and Spain.

Good luck and enjoy!

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It depends why your DH is convinced it would be a disaster

If it's because it would be seriously hard work and he doesn't think it worth it but you do, then not unreasonable at all.

If it's because your DS hates travel and change and wouldn't remotely enjoy it then YABU

I thought about this with my own dd who is severely autistic with ld. I think the issue would be dealing with unexpected issue. Plane cancelled. Delays etc would be unbearable without another person to help. You might also find that your ds struggles with the change and wants to stay inside more etc. I agree that you might also be confusing your idea of what makes a great holiday with what your ds would appreciate. You might be better thinking about how you could go away abroad on this kind of holiday without your ds.

He loved it last time we were there 😃

Yes, that’s what would concern me, any unexpected delays, plane cancellations or even getting lost in the airport (me!) as he hates changing direction when walking! Using the toilet (me) would also be difficult as he isn’t always willing to go into public toilets.
If I did do it I would book special assistance and an airport with a sensory/quiet room.

It would also be a concern if I was to go ill abroad with no help or no one to look after him.

My plan would be to mainly stay on the resort with him, watch the entertainment, enjoy all inclusive food (he loves his food) and swim.

Its a lot to think about, it’s mainly getting there and how long it would take etc.

With respect, the UK sandy beach are not the same as going abroad! I guess it depends what you are looking for, but you can’t deny the sea temperature and (almost) guaranteed sunny and warm weather, the lack of wind, etc.

I decided against it precisely because of the inability to control variables in the airport in say Spain or wherever. Going out you can book airport lounges and special assistance etc but this kind of thing often doesn't exist coming back. You could be in the airport waiting to board and the flight is suddenly cancelled or delayed. Likewise if you became ill or even just twisted your ankle how would you manage? Your child won't understand that you can't take him out to the pool etc.

We have similar kids! My 10yo DD is exactly how you describe your son. She loves butlins, it's honestly such a good place for autistic kids because they are very understanding there and everything you need is around you. Especially the fab pool! Last time we went abroad she was 4 and it was difficult. She kicked the seat in front a lot, ate too many sweets on the plane then threw up in the transfer bus. We were all inclusive but that was useless, she didn't eat the food and would throw it, she also wouldn't sit long in the resturant. The best things by far were the pools. She could play all day in an outside pool. She also liked the beach but she ate sand and would run off. It was stressful but there were also fun bits. Though...I wouldn't do it again tbh. Airport's are the worst! Delays, queues (even with a lanyard and quicker line), is your son toilet trained? There was nowhere to change my DD easily once we were in the line. There is also the cabin pressure, that bothered her ears and the crowding (when everyone stood up on the plane at the end) and then the wait to get passports checked the other side. The holiday itself was good bar the difficulties but the travel was hard! I've never done it alone and can't imagine!
Now I don't think it's worth it, I don't think my DD would care where we were as long as she can swim, eat her own food and snacks and see the sea. I still think butlins is exciting enough for her. Another option I've done is places which have hot tubs, a nice day out to an aquarium or see the beach then all afternoon in a hot tub.
Good luck whatever you decide!

Really it depends. I have a class of children with very, very similar profiles. Some I can imagine would be fine. Others not at all.

One of my kiddos is off to sunnier climes this holiday, another needs 2:1 ratio to get on transport home at the end of the day.

So…..can they cope with waiting? How are they on needing space? Would a lack of familiar things throw them? Do they understand (and respond to) stop? Would they cope with popped ears or discomfort on the flight? Those would be the questions I’d ask.

Also, if you go for it- look into your medical allowance in the plane for him. You get extra baggage for safe foods, car seats/ buggies, continence pads etc. it varies by amount but do check.

Good luck!

Arrange to take another adult with you. Maybe a buddy volunteer or paid carer.
Look for send friendly supposedly tui advertising this.
Some people have had success with neilson if he might like watersports

If just sun swim pool look for autism friendly

I've done it loads. I'd say go to a place where they speak English well. We do Scandinavia. Very disability friendly. And were anything to happen health or crime wise, then they speak English fluently. Goodluck

Maybe train to France is easier ? Or drive?

I don’t know where you are located but could you take a ferry , euro tunnel etc instead of flying alternatively chance a short flight for the first time, it would be sad for him ( you all) if ye could never go abroad,

Yes I did think about a paid carer or another adult. I don’t have any family that would be able to come.

A ferry or a cruise would actually be amazing, it would have to be a family friendly cruise and not a posh one! Cutting out the airport waiting times and being able to go straight to our accommodation would be fantastic. Mainly it would be lovely for him to access all inclusive food, lovely weather, little shows and arts and crafts activities and pools etc. I’ll look into that thank you ☺️