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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To stop helping friend?

26 replies

NoHope4This · 07/04/2025 10:57

I have a friend, who we will call Tara. She has been in the process of eviction since last august because her LL wanted to increase the rent and for Tara to start trying to pay off her arrears, which she has refused. She has been told since November to seek alternative accommodation and court proceedings for a section 21 have now begun. In this time, Tara has understanably had a bit of a rough time. Her mum died and her oldest DS was sectioned. However, whilst these issues must be hard for her, Tara hasn't done much, if anything to help her situation. She isn't looking for housing at all, not handing paperwork into the council on time, nor seeking any actual support apart from constantly coming to me with piles of paperwork to fill in, calls to make, conversations to coach her through, etc, which until now I have begrudgingly helped with.

This morning, Tara came over crying with another stack of paperwork saying she got a phone call from the homeless team saying she needs to start prioritising her housing situation and handing in her paperwork and applications as the eviction hearing is set to be concluded in 2 weeks time and nothing has been done (no idea what she has done with all the forms and stuff ive already spent hours filling out). They are also making a referral to social services today regarding her situation and her 10yo son. Tara is now in self pity mode and full of excuses blaming everyone else. She simply is expecting a house to be handed over to her in 2 weeks time and do nothing for it.

I cant help but no longer feel sorry for her. Today is my last day of maternity leave and i dont want to waste it on Tara annoying me and filling out more forms. I just can't be bothered anymore and it's sucking the life out of me. AIBU or am I a bad friend?

OP posts:
Snoopdoggydog123 · 07/04/2025 10:59

Block her and go out in the sun.
Don't be available.

You aren't qualified to help her. If she needs help there are people who can help her.

LadyKenya · 07/04/2025 11:05

She sounds like she is in an emotional mess, and unable to function in a way that is beneficial to herself at the moment. It is probably a good thing, if SS get involved. They will be best placed to help her.

romdowa · 07/04/2025 11:06

It's time Tara started to help herself. You need to pull way back because it's likely in 2 weeks time she'll turn up at your door with her bags looking for somewhere to stay

loropianalover · 07/04/2025 11:07

YANBU, do not let her stay with you, even ‘temporarily’. She can bring her stack of paperwork to her homeless team or her social worker. How dare she avoid these things when she has a child to look after.

Original poster
NoHope4This · 07/04/2025 11:22

Oh gosh, she definitely won't be moving in with me and she knows that. Her dad has also refused to take her in as her behaviour towards him has become pretty sketchy recently.

I understand in most cases an eviction, a close death and a family member being sectioned may be a lot to deal with but this isn't new behaviour for Tara. For example, She says she cant work because she has a child to look after but complains because the job centre keep pushing her to apply for work and attend courses. Her DS is 10 and with his dad 50-60%. She also refuses to pay her bills once the price increases but also refuses to call them up for a better deal so prefers the debt rather than put a bit of effort in to sort it out.

She's a good enough friend at times and I do like her but it's becoming clear to me that she is quite lazy and entitled.

OP posts:
MuffinsOrCake · 07/04/2025 11:27

She in incapable or let herself go or whatever that current lack of capability is, she is completely legible for having this done for free at the GP or CAB or whatever else, post office, etc

by doing this for her, you actually might be taking valuable resources for she might be legible, because they think you are her advocate but clearly you dislike that part now.

BeLimeTiger · 07/04/2025 11:32

there are other agencies that can help her out with her life stuff. I spent time and lots of emotional energy helping someone like this when my dc was small. Eventually I realised that the person in question bumbled their way from one crisis to another. I’ve since worked on my boundaries and I won’t help other people to the detriment of myself or my child x

Original poster
NoHope4This · 07/04/2025 11:41

BeLimeTiger · 07/04/2025 11:32

there are other agencies that can help her out with her life stuff. I spent time and lots of emotional energy helping someone like this when my dc was small. Eventually I realised that the person in question bumbled their way from one crisis to another. I’ve since worked on my boundaries and I won’t help other people to the detriment of myself or my child x

This! I think i have finally had my rose tinted glass shattering moment.

She definitely already knows about all these services available to her. I've told her about them, as have other friends and the council. Referrals have been made, initial contact had but she just doesn't bother to follow up with them or put any effort in and instead expects them to run after her. I don't mind filling paperwork/forms in for people who usually struggle to but in this case she's perfectly capable of doing it herself. And even when I have took the time to help, it's now obvious that she hasn't even done her part and handed them in so my time has just been wasted anyways.

OP posts:
Burngreave · 07/04/2025 11:49

Tara needs to get some agency and do something for herself. Why is she incapable of completing a form and submitting it on time? Unless she’s illiterate or has a language issue, I don’t have much sympathy for her shoving it into you.

And you know where this is heading don’t you? You putting her and her son up “temporarily”.

Fitzcarraldo353 · 07/04/2025 11:53

So what happened this morning? Did you say no?

Original poster
NoHope4This · 07/04/2025 12:00

Fitzcarraldo353 · 07/04/2025 11:53

So what happened this morning? Did you say no?

Thankfully i was just about to leave for nursery drop off so told her I was busy and that citizens advice was open until 12.30, so they would help her. Who knows if she went or not, though as I've temporarily muted notifications from her.

OP posts:
Richiewoo · 07/04/2025 12:09

She's being a victim and wants you to sort out all her problems. You're not qualified. Let the agencies take over.

Summerlilly · 07/04/2025 12:14

Sounds like she’s self sabotaging, sometimes it’s done unconsciously due to trauma.
Honestly until she recognises that shes doing it, there’s not a lot you can do.

verycloakanddaggers · 07/04/2025 12:21

Summerlilly · 07/04/2025 12:14

Sounds like she’s self sabotaging, sometimes it’s done unconsciously due to trauma.
Honestly until she recognises that shes doing it, there’s not a lot you can do.

I agree with this.

You can continue to direct her to appropriate agencies. You could, if you wanted, offer to accompany her to a CAB appointment to take notes - so supporting but not doing. But you don't have to.

There's a middle ground between taking it on as your responsibility and making simplistic judgements like she is quite lazy and entitled. Clearly she's not coping in some major way, her behaviour is harming her most.

Gundogday · 07/04/2025 12:22

I was going suggestCitizens Advice agency also.

Sounds like you’ve given her lots of support, help and guidance already.

Happyinarcon · 07/04/2025 12:28

It’s a bit annoying that finding a house takes so much paperwork and arsing around to be honest, I’m sure most of it is unnecessary. I feel bad for both of you

FunDenimFatball · 07/04/2025 12:30

Could she be on the spectrum ( undiagnosis) ? I have a friend that life admin sends her into a spiral

WhereIsMyJumper · 07/04/2025 12:32

FunDenimFatball · 07/04/2025 12:30

Could she be on the spectrum ( undiagnosis) ? I have a friend that life admin sends her into a spiral

Does this make a difference to whether OP should continue to help?

FreddysFingers · 07/04/2025 12:34

She needs to go to Citizens Advice who can help her through the process.

PaintDecisions · 07/04/2025 12:40

If she's in rent arrears, the council may well refuse to house her after the required 8 weeks of emergency support.

They may consider that she's made herself deliberately homeless

TomatoSandwiches · 07/04/2025 12:46

She sounds like someone who does actually need help but that doesn't mean it has to come from you op, there are agencies around and like you said she's aware of them, it have no doubt there's probably an undiagnosed issue for her difficulties but SS will have to deal with her she needs professional help now.

Don't feel guilty about protecting yourself and own needs, enjoy your last day of ML.

allthemiddlechildrenoftheworld · 07/04/2025 12:52

@NoHope4This two words!!! head and sand!! no sympathy for your friend. I see people like this all the time in my job!! you rest easy!!

Lookingtodate · 07/04/2025 13:27

WhereIsMyJumper · 07/04/2025 12:32

Does this make a difference to whether OP should continue to help?

Show quote history

Was in similar situation. Friend not viewed as lazy messy and bit more patience given.

Original poster
NoHope4This · 07/04/2025 14:13

I understand that my lazy and entitled judgements may be UR as she may well just be burying her head in the sand, or she may be ND, who knows, but my issue is how long should others be expected to pick up the slack for you when you aren't doing anything at all to help yourself?

OP posts:
Lookingtodate · 07/04/2025 14:39

NoHope4This · 07/04/2025 14:13

I understand that my lazy and entitled judgements may be UR as she may well just be burying her head in the sand, or she may be ND, who knows, but my issue is how long should others be expected to pick up the slack for you when you aren't doing anything at all to help yourself?

I get it. Eventually you think nah I'm done. Sounds like you've reached your limit