Gifts for estranged relatives

[Itsoneofthose]

Sorry to be vague but If you have teens in your family (16) who you have no contact with due to difficult family dynamics, this none contact has been for a year and a half, after having regular contact, do you continue to send birthday presents and Xmas presents (basically just cash) even though you have no contact in return. No thank you message, nothing, and neither does your elderly mother who previously did a lot for said children. I’m inclined to think it’s never the child’s fault and an adult should be consistent in their message (ie keep sending the gifts and money) as we don’t know what influences are on the child but it also feels wrong. My friends say ‘f*ck that!’ don’t keep sending money but to reduce my usual gift to just a card feels harsh.

I would keep sending to children

Can you be sure that the cards and money are definitely getting to the 16 year olds? If so, keep sending. If there's a chance someone else is pocketing the cash, don't.

If youre sending them through the post to the children, I'd keep sending, I'd also be including some messages, and a return address, other contact details etc - social media or whatever, so they can contact you outside the dynamic if they want.

Under 21 they get a card with cash in.

I don’t care if the acknowledge or not, I am not giving it for reciprocity. I’m giving it because they are my nieces and nephews.

After that, I only persevere with those I have a relationship with.

I send cards and presents to a nearly 10 year old. Christmas, Easter and birthday. I send vouchers to the parents at birthdays and Christmas too.

I think it depends on how the nc happened, tbh.

I have been on the other end of this and don't really see how kids benefit from the odd card and tenner... when actually the parents have gone nc with relatives for extremely good reasons. It's actually a bit intrusive to keep sending, in those circumstances.

I 100% agree with your friend.

@DearBee good point. Def not the case in this instance though I’m sure of it.

thanks all! I will continue to send so that they know they are valued and thought of but I won’t be taken advantage of, and after 18 I will somehow let them know about reciprocal relationships.

How are you going to let them know about reciprocal relationships when you don't speak to them and won't have spoken to them for many years? Personally I would not send anything, even a card, to someone who deliberately didn't reciprocate.

I would probably still send them but they'd get smaller.

@healthybychristmas it will be very difficult indeed to do it, but if I stop the cards and cash, and then I’m questioned why, then that will be my opportunity to explain why. Just so I’m clear, when you say you wouldn’t, would that apply to 16 yo? Thanks