CAO more access

[MyBoldZebra]

Hi there

I am going out of my mind and hoping someone can put me at ease.

Ex hounding me for more and more access to our son.

He's only 8mo and still bf.

By court order he has contact at a CC at the moment and in fairness he has done reallr well and upped his game and its likely soon he'll be able to take the baby alone for a few hours which is much better for everyone (CC is fine but a bit of a depressing environmenr- especially when its sunny outside).
The problem is...he is constantly pushing more more more. Each time it goes to court, we go through motions and each time he is told he has to build up and take it at the babys pace but he doesnt care and just keeps getting his lawyer to make more and more demands...It's all about control.

Court order also he and I can't have direct contact and he cant come near my home(long story- longer history of emotional abuse) so my brother is helping with drop offs so contact can still happen when CC is closed so that baby can still see his dad.

The major issue is I have a 2 yo son from another relationship. His dad vanished so I have him 100% of the time.
2 yo and baby are VERY close. Their whole lives are run together and neither remember a time without the other. Although only "half" they see themselves as full siblings. They do everything together.

I'm not blocking contact but it needs to be in his best interests. I really want baby to have a good relationship with his dad but that's not enough. Every time I try and plead not to separate the boys, he just doesn't care. Ex doesn't want what's best for baby. He just wants to "have him". He doesn't care at all that pulling him away from his brother will seriously affect them both in the worst possible way.
I'm so scared that ex is trying to take a hammer to their relationship In order to hurt me. It breaks my heart to think a court will send baby to live with him half the time and both my boys will be heartbroken missing each other. (This is quite aside from all the other issues and why I don't think he's capable of having him 50% of the time)

There's loads more to this story but does anyone have any experience?
I really don't want people having a go here- I've seen other feeds where there's a bit of a pack mentality when someone is asking for advice.
Nobody judges me more than me (2 kids by 2 lovers yeah yeah) but I don't take a penny off anyone and although I am upset for myself, my heartbreak is for the boys. Does anyone have any experience with this??

Hahaha losers not lovers - whoops!!

I can see why you’d be concerned about the baby and want to move slowly to make sure he’s ok. It sounds like court/arrangements have been baby led so far so that’s good. I’d keep moving slowly and see how it goes. It’s not unreasonable that his dad would also want as much contact as possible like you do and that you end up on 50/50 so might be best to prepare for that as much as you can.
Also there’s no shame in claiming CMS from their Dads and you should do that to lighten the load on you.

Thank you for your reply. Do you not think a court would think taking him away from his brother for half the time would be cruel on both children? That's what's bothering me the most out of everything. I've read loads of different things about 50/50- some saying it's every dads right and some saying it's only ordered if it's in a child's best interests.

Re CMS- one can't pay and one won't so a bit of a non starter! Thank you for your kind words though- I really value non judgement.

Your dc are very young so they'll just assume it's normal to have time apart. And they'll probably like the fact that they get 1-2-1 time with a parent at that time.
1-2-1 time is really important for dc.

This is 2 separate issues.

Issue 1. Just stick to the CAO. Do not reply or even think about his demands. Just stick to it. Was that the final order? As CC are short term so he will most likely progress to more time and eventually overnights. Do you have a concrete reason as to why that couldn't happen? Is baby safe with him?

Issue 2 - YABU. Your eldest isn't his. He doesn't have to consider him in any capacity. Legally, morally etc. You will have to explain to eldest that babu is going with his Daddy to have a lovely time and will be back soon.
Courts will not accept your eldest as a reason not to progress contact. They would look at him alone and his fathers capacity to care for him as an individual.

Absolutely, I agree.
I have bent over backwards to keep contact going and pulled family members in to help me make it work.
I have honestly supported contact as much as I reasonably can but it's never enough.
I just really don't think it's fair to separate the kids 50% of the time. That seems so cruel. I pray to god a court won't do that but it seems like you guys think they will?

We honestly can't tell you.
Some judges are 100% for 50/50 if there is no reason to stop it. So you'd need a reason for him to be unsafe. But then he'd have to be unsafe enough for close to no time.

Do you really think he'd go for it? Would he actually want to parent? Does he have family? A support system? How far does he live?

Oh sorry just to be clear I am 100% not saying contact shouldn't progress. I want it to. For everyone's sake.

He's currently at a CC due to a number of concerns (not fair to say on here). We are therefore at interim currently but court not allowing unsupported contact for the next few months.

I don't expect him to consider babys brother I'm asking whether a court will look at the sibling connection when considering final order- presumably in a few months?

i don’t know what court will do but in your shoes I’d cross my fingers the dad was happy with every other weekend and not push for more. Parenting is not easy so he might decide that’s easiest for him to leave the grunt work to you. I agree with the other poster that Your children won’t know any different if it does end up 50/50 and the build up will be slow so it’ll feel natural.

He lives a long way away and has another child close to where he lives. He rents a property near to us to facilitate his contact or else he'd be up and down the M25 constantly.
I even pay for half the CC costs because I want him to learn how to care for DS.

I should also add that court agreed with me that he can't come in direct contact with me or my other son so that adds complexity.

Question whether he actually wants this...I'm not sure...he's currently driven by his need to fight me on everything. I honestly don't know how much he actually wants this.

So he'll never be able to do 50/50!
He can't do school runs.

You'll probably be looking at EOWE and 50/50 holidays with alternating Christmas, birthdays etc

Make sure you get it written that Mothers/fathers day is on the respective parents weekend.

Make sure to include an extension or provision for bank holidays and inset days.

But also his child is just as much the baby's sibling. So if you try arguing that then he could argue for more based on his child.

No the court will not consider the siblings, only what is best for the baby. It’s unlikely to be 50/50 until the child is older, though unless there’s concrete reasons to refuse unsupervised contact long term id try to get used to the fact it’s a possibility.

the flip side is he may go off the idea if he gets into a new relationship etc so play ball, comply with the court and be the good guy here

They would only consider the sibling if they were looking at moving the baby to live with their dad. Otherwise, so long as they can have strong family ties, it won’t matter. And yes, they love each other deeply, but whatever they grow up with will be normal for them.

His child lives 400 miles away from the baby and is 12 years older and has never met him.

I keep pushing for him to bring him over so he can meet the baby but I think he's getting resistance from his ex (although not sure)

And I know..hes trying to say he will split his time and can basically do everything as though he lived there.

Does he work? How on earth is he going to manage that?

Where there is contact and no indication of Amy resistance to the agreed contact by either party there should be limits on the amount of times they can keep taking it to court- agree on the control aspect of a known abuser.

Yeah he works. He's saying he can wfh and different offices etc to make it work but the reality is likely very different. This is what I mean when I say he's just saying whatever he can to fight me.
I really do appreciate the effort but it's just not fair to dump a baby in that position.

I absolutely agree with this.
On good days I want to believe all his fighting is because he's developing a bond with his son but then on bad days I just think a lot of this is about controlling me...there's a lot of history I won't go into but some of his requests have been totally outrageous- I'm surprised a solicitor would facilitate it.