Found out very old, lost touch friend died years ago. Do I contact her husband?

[ClawsandEffect]

Many years ago, when I was newly married, I had an older friend. I lived overseas and it was lovely to have another British friend. We both moved from overseas back to the UK, and stayed in touch and saw each other regularly.

Then I moved back overseas with my husband again and we lost touch.

I've just found out, that not only did my friend die 5 years ago, but that 10 years ago, her daughter died, which must have been awful for my friend, her husband and their son.

It keeps playing on my mind. How lost she must have been about the death of her daughter and how her husband must feel, having lost his wife and daughter. They moved back overseas for retirement, so her husband and son are no longer in the UK, but I have the address.

I wonder if it would be acceptable to send a condolence letter? I'd really like to, because she was very important to me at one point in our lives. But it's been so long. I wonder if it would be a bit weird for her husband, getting a letter from someone from so long ago? Maybe I only have this impulse because to me, this is new.

I would. They don’t need to respond but I understand why you want to express your condolences.

Why wouldn’t you? it’s v comforting to hear nice things and to know people care

If the situations were reversed, do you think your husband would like to hear from her?

It may well be welcomed. She’s passed 5 years ago and her daughter 10 years ago so it always feels after a period of time that people have ‘forgot’ about those who pass. I think it would be lovely

Yes, I think so.

The worst that can happen is that he will ignore it, so you’ve not really got anything to lose by sending it.
He might welcome a link back to her.

I would definitely write.

i lost my father very recently and have been humbled by the kindness of people who called in to my mum’s house, sent sympathy cards, sent mass cards, sent whatsapps/texts and generally just showed up.

please send that letter. You didn’t know she’d died and as soon as you found out you took the time to contact her husband and express your condolences.

Apologies @ClawsandEffectI scrolled up but unfortunately posted that you’re being unreasonable when I actually think that you aren’t- contact the husband, I’m sure he will be pleased to hear from you & know that you care about him & his family.

You'll never be able to predict how he will react but I think it would be nice, as another said he can chose to ignore it but I imagine it would be nice to know someone is thinking of her and keeping her memory alive and special to him to hear new stories about her after so much time.

I think if you wrote to her husband mostly what you've written here - add to the condolences your lovely reminiscences of your friend as in your OP. It would be a kind thing to do.

Years after you died? I’m in a similar situation but chose not to make contact because I think it is just too late now 🥺

Well, I was putting myself in that position. Yes, I'd like to hear from an old friend that they were very sad to hear about his death.

But I did wonder. Thinking exactly what you've said. Maybe it's not kind.

One of the saddest things when someone dies is that there are no new memories to be made, so it could be a real gift to her husband to receive this many years later - but it's important that you keep the focus on her and not your own feelings on finding out she has died. I'd say how sorry you were to hear about her and share some specific and concrete happy memories or a story that he may not have known about, and make it clear you are not expecting a reply.

It is weird but the DH may appreciate it. Nothing to lose

I think it is a nice thing to do. I would like a letter like this, even long after the event. I think it is helpful to explain that you lost touch through normal circumstances, but you remember the good times and the nice things. You cannot expect a reply, but I bet you get one. xx

No harm in sending a letter, but to be honest, if it was me, and someone's old friend had not been in touch for several decades, I would ignore them, and wouldn't welcome the letter, or respond to it. I wouldn't let them know where and when the funeral was either. If they had cared enough about said deceased person, they'd have kept in touch when they were alive. I don't like people showing up (after many years) when someone dies. I find it intrusive and disrespectful, and I would NOT welcome it.

@BatchCookBabe the deaths were a long time ago. OP is not doing that ghoulish thing of only appearing because someone died.

@ClawsandEffect I'm not sure what I think tbh. But I wouldn't expect to hear back. Some people disappear in these situations and I don't blame them. Mum's got two friends who had similar - lost adult child, then widowed. They withdrew completely after the death of their children. I saw one of the widowers in the supermarket. He nodded at me but walked by quickly. I wouldn't have said "how are you" but some people might.

Further thought, I lost friends in a terror attack. One set of parents kept in touch for a while, another set moved away within a year and made it clear no one was getting the address - even some of the relatives.

I think the former kept in touch because it was a connection, friends obviously had stories to share and they liked knowing what songs we danced to in bars etc

But contact has waned and they too have gone abroad. Last time I saw them, the mum was saying to me "I'm frightened I'm going to feel this broken forever". And I couldn't reassure her otherwise. And I think she hit the point that she didn't want to talk to her son's friends anymore. We got to cross 40, and he didn't. His birthday was a few days before mine.

so my thinking is, if you're having a day where you are just about okay, and that letter arrives on the doormat...I don't think I'd want that letter but I see other posters do so I dunno.