To be worried about 4 year old begging not to start school in September

[Corilee2806]

I’ve posted about my DS a fair bit over the years, he recently turned 4 and is in the system with referrals for suspected ND - not sure what’s going on, shows some signs of dyspraxia (working theory after OT review but still too young to diagnose) but also ASD and ADHD, sensory issues etc.

He goes to preschool 3 days a week and his teachers see no issues except some fine motor challenges so assume he’s masking a lot as we get meltdowns etc at home. He really struggles daily with the transition to go to school and at least one of the days we have to carry him in kicking and screaming. As he settles ok once in, his teachers see no issue with this.

He frequently tells me he doesn’t like school and doesn’t want to go (too young to really say why yet - sometimes he says too noisy and too many children) although at the end of each day he comes out happy. School have just started some gentle transition activities which will increase in the summer term, showing the children the reception classrooms which seems to have really spiked his anxiety. We can’t even really talk about school (his sister is in yr 1 so he is very familiar with the routine) and he is begging not to go, saying he really doesn’t want to go to school, doesn’t want to do learning among other things and generally getting very worked up. I’ve tried to reassure him and make it sound exciting and also make sure he knows it’s months away - he struggles with the concept of time so maybe he thinks it’s happening next week. But I thought it would be a relatively easy transition as he is already there, other than going 5 days a week from Sep. However knowing with the possible ND and his struggles with transitions, maybe that’s naive!

Any thoughts on how I can approach the school or if I even should, I’ve spoken to the SENCO before but as they don’t see what we do they don’t take me seriously - I had some recommendations from his OT and they barely looked at them. It’s a fairly big 2 form entry school and I’m wondering now if it’s even the best environment for him. I just want him to thrive!

If he is a summer born, you could possibly defer for a year to give him more time?
( Before people pile on to say that means he misses F2 play style learning and goes straight into year 1, that is far from the case, and depends on the local authority. I deferred my son and he started in F2 and I have it in writing that he will stay in that cohort for the rest of his school life, including secondary.)

it might not solve any other issues, but it might perhaps give you more time to address them before adding another change.

Tricky especially if SENCO don’t take your concerns seriously. It might be s but early to be overly concerned but maybe see hiw he copes with transition days. Both my DGDs are ND and my daughter moved them from their large 2 form entry primary to a small village school as she thought they would cope better in a smaller school. Is there an alternative in your area?

He’s not summer born - middle of the year so don’t think that would be an option. It is something I’ve considered but we have the same issues at nursery so it might not solve the problem keeping him there for longer.

Yes there are smaller schools and this is something I would consider - I wish we’d looked at more options when applying really but we just assumed he’d go to the school closest and where his sister is.

It's only April now, September is ages away. Ages and ages when you're 4. Just keep telling him vaguely "you're not going until you're older" (which is true, he'll be so much older 5 months from now). Another one I use for things like this is "not until it's nearly winter", which for my 4yo feels like ages and ages

Edit - I mean Reception isn't till nearly winter, not letting him stay off pre school

This should be non-negotiable, if he thinks it’s a choice you’re on a slippery slope. You say he’s fine once in so continue to get him in. School sound like they’re helping him but you could always begin to look for a smaller setting in the meantime if you think this would suit him better.

He might end up preferring school to nursery as school classrooms tend to be quieter. As for playtime schools can make provision for SENCO Perhaps you and he could join his sister’s class once for story time ?

Just to be clear I never said anything about this being negotiable! But I will say it’s really challenging having daily challenges trying to get your children to school and all I’m asking about is whether I should try and get support - I just wasn’t expecting quite such an extreme reaction so early on.

It's far too early to be introducing transition activities, what are the school thinking? A couple of days in July is enough! As you say, your ds won't understand how far in the future it is. All you can do is impress that moving on is WAY in the future.

Anything from 1st April onwards counts as summer born, for the purposes of delaying by a year.

Also he said he doesn’t want to do learning but perhaps you could do fun learning at home without him realising he’s learning . About insects or space , whatever he seems interested in. Then he may later realise how good he is at learning and how fun it can be

My daughter was the same, took her precisely 2 days and then she loved it. Summer before school was horrific (sorry to say!) as she was sooo worried about it and the tantrums were next level. I was very very worried. My fears were totally unfounded and honestly within a week she was a different child. She had obviously been extremely nervous about it for months. She goes to a very small and nurturing school though.

Could you make a bid to start him part time for the first term? I know schools aren’t a fan of part time sometimes but if it might help him transition it’s maybe worth a shot? Xx

I have a similar dc, if you can’t defer, I’d definitely look around for a smaller setting. Is it too noisy? Can you look at ear defenders?

Ah sorry - yes, too noisy and too many children. That was exactly the key problems for mine. Yes, try and get support, the school doesn’t sound like a good fit - very tricky.

Yes I thought it was early to be starting transition activities - it will increase next term where they do mornings going into the classroom etc but I’m hoping they’ll save that for later.

for now will try not to talk about it with him too much and emphasise it’s not happening yet when he asks (he has been mentioning it daily since last week) but I think I will try with the school again to see if they can set up more help for him, as even though they seem oblivious to his challenges I know they’re real. Eg he said he didn’t like school because it’s too noisy and I asked what he did when it was too noisy and he said ‘I put my hands over my ears’ which I’ve seen him do - so they must be missing some things! Ultimately I will consider the option of a smaller setting if this doesn’t suit him but will see how he does.

I wasn’t sure if this was an option but I would like to consider it for him - my instinct is 5 days straight away is just going to be too much, and the school does straight to 5 full days in reception - no transition like a lot of other schools do. Was ok for my older one but not sure it will be for him…

@Corilee2806 I was almost exactly in this position last year. DS always struggled with going into nursery, we tried EVERYTHING. I was in tears thinking how I'd manage getting him to school 5 days a week (he also did 3 days at nursery) He should be getting his autism assessment this summer after being on the pathway since 2.5.

On a 30 mins STAY AND PLAY at the school (so I wasn't even dropping him off) he was the child trying to run off, crying his eyes out... When they bought the sign in sheet out he genuinely screamed "DO NOT SIGN ME IN... I'M NOT GOING IN THAT PLACE" It was meant to just be one parent person child but they let my mum come too as it took both of us to get him in the door.

It's a bit different as his nursery were incredibly supportive and got the school on board when they forwarded on his info. His school teacher visited the nursery and we had meetings to set up some things early on - DS was allowed to take his comfort rabbit in, wear his cap in school, we'd get there early so he was one of the first ones inside. They spoke to nursery about his routine and set it up so he could go straight to a set task to help him regulate. Some of his friends from nursery are in his class which was a massive help.

At home we got books about school, tried his uniform on a few times to make sure it was comfy (he doesn't wear the branded stuff, he finds the Asda stuff most comfortable), practised the walk to school. I'd tell him stories about when I was at school. I was also really empathetic with him and said I was nervous starting school and got upset some days, but I'd loved learning and made friends etc. That especially really helped I found. He has ear defenders for the lunch room if he needs them and they have a "quiet room" he uses some mornings.

He started in September and honestly, he is THRIVING!

He loves the routine and structure. Loves learning. Has some lovely friends.

He gets overwhelmed and needs support, some mornings are still very hard and he needs some weekends to just "re set" but he's always very positive about school itself. He's on their Sen register with an ilp (individual learning plan) We have regular meetings and they are all for helping him thrive.

Most mornings he actually walks down happily chatting and goes in after a quick hug with no upset at all. If you'd told me this a few months ago I wouldn't have believed it.

He's on accelerated progress for the academic side and has gained loads of confidence.

My advice would be communication with the school and following his lead a bit at home. Send them any paperwork you have to support your concerns/confirm he's awaiting assessment etc.

Keep a morning routine so he has time to things without rushing. Take snacks to pick up and don't ask many questions straight away. Play "school" and "office" as a fun way of practising some of the stuff they do, it might help him open up about how he's finding it too.

I also really worried about not much transition - he started on a Wednesday full days and the next week was full time. But I actually think it helped. The repetition and structure set the routine up quickly. If he's had ages of transitions he wouldn't have known if he was coming or going thinking back on it.

Good luck op!

If you bought some ear defenders would the school allow him to wear them when he was getting overwhelmed?

You say he's not summer born but middle of the year, but has recently turned 4. How recently? If it's since April 1st, legally he is a summer born and you could look at deferring if you wanted.

Otherwise, he wouldn't reach compulsory school age until the summer term of reception, and you can keep him PT until then if you want.

February so definitely doesn’t qualify for the summer born rule unfortunately

Thanks so much for this, it’s really reassuring! I am definitely going to talk to the school to see what they can do and not be fobbed off this time. He already has the uniform but won’t wear most of it eg polo shirts too itchy - so will be interesting to see how all of that goes. I like the idea of getting him to meet his teacher and maybe go into his sister’s classroom which he has done a few times but I will try anything that might help!

Poor little chap — and poor you!
Begging not to start school at 4, especially with suspected ND and sensory sensitivities, is a sign the transition needs careful planning.
You can request reasonable adjustments under the Equality Act 2010, even without a formal diagnosis or EHCP. These might include:

• A phased or part-time start (even if the school “doesn’t usually” offer it)
• Extra familiarisation visits with a trusted adult
• Sensory accommodations (ear defenders, quiet space, strategic seating)
• Staff awareness that masking means meltdowns may only happen at home

A barrister’s legal opinion (Louise Mankau, Doughty Street Chambers) confirms that being able to plan and prepare — including visual resources or virtual tours — can itself be a reasonable adjustment. This has been noted by the Cabinet Office, DWP, and Ofsted. 📄 Read it here I’d write to the SENCO before September setting out his needs and any OT recommendations, and keep a paper trail. If support isn’t given, you can escalate to:

1. The headteacher
2. The governors
3. Ofsted (if it involves safeguarding, inclusion, or legal compliance)

You know your child best — if five full days from day one will overload him, you’re entitled to push for a softer landing.

Ah thanks for the reply, I’d almost forgotten about this thread - so much has happened since then! We actually moved schools just before the end of term as we were having issues getting both of our children’s needs met and not getting support from the school with anything we were asking for to help them - things got really bad. Hoping things will improve now, this is a smaller village school and my son seems much more relaxed about the idea of going there and enjoyed his settling in days before summer. I still think he will struggle with the jump to 5 days but we will see how it goes. I will definitely refer back to this if we need to ask for adjustments so thanks!

Please feel free to share this advice with any other parents who might find it helpful/ start preparing for when he moves next time as these things can take a year or more to organise in sone cases.