Feeling extremely angry about DH smoking

[resenter]

when we met in our early twenties, we both smoked.

I quite happily quit after a while and that was that.

He has continued. His grandfather died of lung cancer in his 50s.

DH is pushing 40 and we have two young children.

I feel disgusted by it. I feel disgusted by him. He stinks. I always have to wait for him when he goes for a cigarette. He holds stuff up because of it. On holiday he’s constantly disappearing, leaving me alone with two young kids. He doesn’t smoke in the house or in front of them but he’s always fucking sneaking off.

He Is grumpy and on edge when he can’t smoke and is generally always just on edge to get away. He says it makes him tired. He is generally a really grumpy, miserable person. Always looks pissed off. I’ve suggested therapy to deal with his stress. He deals with life’s stresses by smoking. I’ve read the book he’s also reading about quitting. But he’s just not fucking doing it.

He is always out there. Puffing away.

I absolutely fucking lost it today. I am so done with it, with his whole presence and being, I could scream.

obviously this isn’t the right approach but I just don’t know what to do anymore.

he wants to quit but he just can’t do it. He’s refusing to get any help for his moods, his smoking- nothing. It’s the same attitude every day. He’s miserable, overwhelmed, never wants to do anything. He’s like a black cloud hanging around. A black cloud that shits on any ideas of fun or progress too. He’s always the one brining any dream down and coming up with obstacles about why something can’t work.

never positive, spontaneous - never wants to go and just do something new or different. Never wants to just take the kids on a quick trip. Or if he goes, he wants to come straight back home. He’s sucking the life out of me. This weekend his friend came to visit and he made such a big deal out of it before he came. How he couldn’t be bothered, how it’s an effort etc etc. I encouraged him to/ encourage him. They went out and did a hobby they enjoy. I encourage him all the time to do stuff like this but it’s hard.

he won’t seek help or see there’s any kind of issue.

It’s his habit leave him alone!

It sounds like he’s draining all the happiness from your life.

Have you thought about leaving him?

There’s two issues here:

1. His smoking
2. His mental health. He sounds depressed.

You say he is refusing to do anything about either. It sounds like you’d be happier without him. Have you considered this?

It would be a deal breaker for me, always has been. You don’t mention if he has tried nicotine replacement therapy?

Do you want to stay with him? You don’t have to.

He’s probably never going to change. Can you lower your expectations of him? Just get on with things without expecting him to be part of it?

What do you want the rest of your life to look like? Miserable with him, then his carer when the smoking catches up with him? Or on your own?

I think his attitude and the smoking are two different things. It's really hard to stop smoking, as you will know. Smoking doesn't make you miserable, something else is doing that.

YANBU. I could not stay married to a man like that. Not just the smoking, but the lack of enthusiasm for life. Sounds very draining.

He certainly sounds depressed. Has he ever said he might see his GP? Nicotine is apparently an antidepressant so that might be contributing to the problem. Though it won't help that he will be feeling a bit of a failure not quitting.

Tbh on this post it sounds as if you loathe him. Is it the frustration talking? Do you ever feel that you still love him?

Two separate issues.

He's an addict.

He's depressed (by the sound of it).

If he can sort his depression out, perhaps he'll be in a better frame of mind to kick his addiction.

If getting annoyed with people over ruining their health actually helped them to sort it out, there'd be very few overweight people in the world.

He won’t go to the GP. He just won’t do it. He’s got this book on smoking which talks about everything being interlinked with smoking. I’ve even read it. It’s very famous.

he’s done nicotine replacement but he just ends up wanting to smoke more. He did quit for a few months 5 years ago but he found going cold turkey easier.

of course I love him. I don’t want to watch him die from lung cancer.

I am always encouraging him to do things he likes, at my own detriment often. Just to try and see if he’ll be less miserable. It doesn’t really work.

when he’s unable to smoke for a while he really takes it out on the family and he’s horrible to be around.

Try vaping ?

Of course he can stop smoking. He sounds like he can’t be bothered. Tell him to stop for the sake of the kids. His dad dying obviously means nothing to him. He’s really selfish

smoking would be a dealbreaker for me, so I wouldn't get involved with one seriously. It's not really fair for you to change the goal posts and just expect him to comply given he was a smoker when you first dated.

agree with PP his bad mood and lack of interest in life is a separate thing.

Two separate issues.
He's an addict.
He's depressed (by the sound of it).
If he can sort his depression out, perhaps he'll be in a better frame of mind to kick his addiction.
If getting annoyed with people over ruining their health actually helped them to sort it out, there'd be very few overweight people in the world.

well the book he says the moods and smoking are interlinked.

and of course getting annoyed won’t help, but I’m only human as well and it’s pretty frustrating to be with someone like this. I try to make his life easier / cheer him up all the time but there comes a point when you just snap.

Fucking hell I think I need a fag just reading that. Leave the guy alone!

Just because you smoked a few cigs in your early twenties, doesn’t mean you’re changing goal posts to expect to stop smoking - especially once you’re a fucking parent. It’s entirely different. Time to grow the fuck up. Most people eventually break the habit. I don’t know anyone else that smokes ! And pretty much everyone at uni smoked a bit here and there. Time to grow the fuck up !

For both DH and myself this is a deal breaker. Sometimes I’d love something, but the knowledge that it would be the end of us (because there is no chance I’d stop at one) is very helpful to me.

It can be your dealbreaker too. And it would certainly be a kick up the arse though you can’t guarantee to what end.

I wouldn’t want to share my life with someone like this. As others have said, it sounds like to issues which may overlap at times. Has he always been miserable, like a “black cloud that shits on any ideas of fun or progress”? Or can you identify when he became like that?

If it’s a smoking thing at root, and he is miserable because his life revolves around needing to be able to smoke, and family life, travelling, visiting places all mean he can’t and so he would prefer not to do them- then it’s an addiction that’s impacting on all of you. Again, I wouldn’t want that to be my life, and it might be ultimatum time for me. He is choosing smoking over all of you if this is the reason for his behaviour and attitude.

Tell him what you’ve told us OP and that for sake of marriage and family stability he must go to GP because you don’t want to live like this and you shouldn’t have to. Ultimatum time .

This isn’t about smoking really though is it? He’s not making you happy or prioritising you. Your children are witnessing a dysfunctional relationship. Time to consider an alternative life for everyone

Your post screams that you despise him. He'll most certainly pick up on that. If you can come across this angry/flustered through a post, I can imagine how you come across to your DH.

My DH used to be constantly nagging me for various personality traits that he wanted me to modify. It made me bloody miserable and I too used to constantly sneak off for a vape as it was my internal peace. Thankfully my DH did change and sorted out his own issues and now rarely if ever critiques my personal choices . I now feel like sneaking off and escaping less.

Your DH sounds quite worn down to me, depressed even.

Smoking is rank. But it is highly addictive and many use it as "down time". I think if you do want him to give up- you're going the wrong way about it.

Sorry to be the bearer of bad news OP, but the likelihood of him giving up smoking sounds VERY slim. My DH has always smoked, it's the only thing about him that I really dislike, but because I love him, I put up with it. There are still times when I nag him about it, but it makes not a jot of difference, and just ends up irritating us both, so I shut up and let him get on with it. Like your DH, mine did stop for a while, it was WONDERFUL, but then he hit a patch of stress and he was right back on them. I think it extremely likely that he WILL die of cancer, but so many smokers seem to have this blind spot, where they think it won't happen to them, which I just don't get. I actually have a relative who has recently been diagnosed with terminal cancer, he has always smoked, but in spite of being so ill, he still lights up at every opportunity.

In your case though, like others I don't think it's just the smoking that's the problem. It's the miserable, negative attitude that your DH has, and the fact that he won't do anything to help himself. He obviously enjoys being a misery guts, and that's where I WOULD draw the line. I have all the patience in the world with someone who tries to make themselves better, but someone who moans and is miserable but refuses to seek help, would have me running for the hills.

I honestly think from all that you've written, that your marriage is coming to an end, as it's very clear that you've had enough. So I think it may just be time to start getting your ducks in a row. Sorry OP.

I couldn’t stay with someone who was grumpy and moody, who didn’t get help with his mental health, never mind the smell of smoke.

Maybe you have just grown apart from him, you sound like you’ve changed over the years and you’re now a very different person to him. If he doesn’t want/isn’t willing to change, then you’ll spend your life feeling frustrated and resentful if you stay with him, he’ll feel shit too and it’ll negatively impact your children. Sometimes it’s better to just split and accept you’ve grown apart.

He needs to want to quit. I did the Easyway to Stop Smoking Workshop. It took me two sessions and then I knew I never wanted to smoke again. It’s such a relief to be free from the slavery that is nicotine addiction. Sadly, I couldn’t persuade my best friend to do it, she was too scared to try, and I had to watch her die from lung cancer which then spread to her brain. if your DH hates himself for smoking, I urge you to get him to go and do Easyway. But don’t live with a misery of a man who won’t make the effort to help himself.

I really empathise. Ex-husband was a smoker, kept promising to give up and constantly lied about the amount, saying it was only a few a day. He had a smoking- related heart attack in his mid-40s, and still didn’t give up. We were all mean when we nagged apparently.

I ended the marriage. I just lost respect, didn’t like him for lying and didn’t want to nurse him in old age from inevitable smoking related strokes/ further heart attacks etc. that were totally self inflicted. TBH, it felt like the continued smoking was a huge “fuck you” from him to me.

Maybe an ultimatum for yours? To “give up by X date or we’re done”, but you have to mean it. There’s such a load of help out there now, from vapes, patches, hypnosis - there’s not really any excuse.

I completely get how totally done with it and with him you are. It’s exhausting and you can’t fix him.