To ask how and when to tell DC. Divorce.

StarsNotAligned · 2025-04-06T15:54:36+00:00

Just that really. Long time poster. Regular name changer. Been around for pom bears, darked on washing and the Mexican house thief. So not just taking. But struggling. Im divorcinng my H. He’s been getting disproportionately angry and raging at me for years on and off but it started to happen to DC and nothing I said or did made it change. So social services involved and divorce will be processed. Application not yet done. He’s predictably been raging and making all kinds of assumptions about my intentions. He’s bad mouthing me to anyone with a kind ear. But I’m hoping we can do the parenting bit well because he does love DC and want to be a good dad. DC are early teens. Help. Any advice? I don’t think it will be a surprise. I think there might be relief but also lots of fear, sadness and uncertainty of course. 13 year old has been having a tough time at school (partly because he emulates his dads communication style, partly because of bullying). He’s quite volatile and so needs lots of help to manage big emotions. Hes getting better.

Original poster

StarsNotAligned · 06/04/2025 17:00

Hoping there are some helpful learning points people would be happy to share. What went well? What would you do differently if you had your time again?

OP posts:

Londonismyjam · 06/04/2025 17:03

My children were much younger, they were upset but very quickly settled into the new routine, I found a stable routine was important for them.

MagicalMystical · 06/04/2025 17:06

Sorry you’re having to deal with this shit but well done for having boundaries for yourself and your children and holding to them.

Mine were younger when my DH and I split up, and the circumstances were very different as it was fairly amicable (he wasn’t happy, that made me sad but I got over myself for the kids’ sake).

I think since people know and since your kids are teens, I would tell them asap as it’s much much kinder for them to hear it from you rather than, eg from Tom, whose Dad told him.

As you say, it’ll be no surprise and possibly a relief but they’re likely to at some stage feel all sorts of things.

I’d approach it as a conversation, a space for them to offload, to ask questions, to feel how they feel rather than a factual conversation (although obviously tell them anything factual they need to know too).

Good luck xxx

MagicalMystical · 06/04/2025 17:10

Also with mine, I checked in with them from time to time as to how they were doing. We’re 10 years in and I occasionally still do (maybe once a year now though). It’s an ongoing life story isn’t it. My father recently died and I do the same with the grief around that. The older two are boys so I want them to keep talking about how they feel, or at least be invited to do so.

Bonbon21 · 06/04/2025 17:10

Routine.
Don't discuss adult matters with them or in their hearing.
Do not criticise their father in their hearing.
Don't allow grandparents or your friends to be critical of their father in their hearing.
Insist on all the house rules be adhered to.. whatever their normal chores are - they still get done.
Lots of hugs, lots of 'love you's!
More routine!!
They will be fine.
Look after yourself too. X

Original poster

StarsNotAligned · 06/04/2025 17:11

Londonismyjam · 06/04/2025 17:03

My children were much younger, they were upset but very quickly settled into the new routine, I found a stable routine was important for them.

Thank you. At what stage did you tell them please? I’m aware that from application it’s 6 months at least until final order.

OP posts:

Original poster

StarsNotAligned · 06/04/2025 17:12

MagicalMystical · 06/04/2025 17:06

Sorry you’re having to deal with this shit but well done for having boundaries for yourself and your children and holding to them.

Mine were younger when my DH and I split up, and the circumstances were very different as it was fairly amicable (he wasn’t happy, that made me sad but I got over myself for the kids’ sake).

I think since people know and since your kids are teens, I would tell them asap as it’s much much kinder for them to hear it from you rather than, eg from Tom, whose Dad told him.

As you say, it’ll be no surprise and possibly a relief but they’re likely to at some stage feel all sorts of things.

I’d approach it as a conversation, a space for them to offload, to ask questions, to feel how they feel rather than a factual conversation (although obviously tell them anything factual they need to know too).

Good luck xxx

Thank you.

OP posts:

Original poster

StarsNotAligned · 06/04/2025 17:13

MagicalMystical · 06/04/2025 17:10

Also with mine, I checked in with them from time to time as to how they were doing. We’re 10 years in and I occasionally still do (maybe once a year now though). It’s an ongoing life story isn’t it. My father recently died and I do the same with the grief around that. The older two are boys so I want them to keep talking about how they feel, or at least be invited to do so.

Yes. Very true.

I guess it’s more that we don’t have any answers yet. Like who will live where. I feel anxious yet alone them.

OP posts:

Original poster

StarsNotAligned · 06/04/2025 17:16

Bonbon21 · 06/04/2025 17:10

Routine.
Don't discuss adult matters with them or in their hearing.
Do not criticise their father in their hearing.
Don't allow grandparents or your friends to be critical of their father in their hearing.
Insist on all the house rules be adhered to.. whatever their normal chores are - they still get done.
Lots of hugs, lots of 'love you's!
More routine!!
They will be fine.
Look after yourself too. X

Yes. I’m being very careful about what I say. Even when DS with the clarity that only a child can bring, voices in no uncertain terms, exactly what behaviours my H engages in and in how many ways it’s hypocritical and unacceptable- I keep quiet. I just listen and help him express his feelings.

It’s more when to tell them really. Nothing will change for them for a long while.

OP posts:

Snorlaxo · 06/04/2025 17:16

My children were a little younger but it went fine. I think that part of the reason is that we had some concrete answers like they didn’t need to change schools which was naturally a very important priority for them. My ex moved out while I took on the FMH. They were used to me doing the parenting and stuff so in practice it wasn’t wildly different to their previous life. Ex moved hours away and would pick them up for contact by car.

By the time they were mid teens, they started to become resentful of the weekend contact as it interfered with their social life. Ex didn’t insist that they go to his and while this was good for their friendships, it hastened the very common road to estrangement.

EllaPepper · 06/04/2025 17:19

hi OP. i am very nearly at the end of the divorce process. i told my DC about 15 mths ago. they were 14 & 16 at the time. whilst initially angry, upset and confused, they both settled quickly. they now love their new routines. top tips; let them ask any questions and answer them as honestly as you possibly (and appropriately) can, without judgement. my youngest was very concerned that he would need to stop playing after school sports; an odd question, but that was his priority. my ex and i have remained fairly amicable so have never said a cross word in front of the children, which has really helped the DC. consistency has also been rely important. the DC live with their dad. i have never missed an arranged visit / contact time / pick up etc. and i speak to them every day. finally, the DC don’t know this, but i spoke to both their form tutors in school so they were informed of the situation and could offer support if needed. it’s been a tough 15 mths but i don’t regret my decision. my DC are happy, well adjusted and more resilient that i could have imagined. good luck! x

Londonismyjam · 06/04/2025 17:25

StarsNotAligned · 06/04/2025 17:11

Thank you. At what stage did you tell them please? I’m aware that from application it’s 6 months at least until final order.

Show quote history

I definitely wouldn’t leave it too long as I think children, especially older ones, pick up on the atmosphere and know that something is going on. My s* of an ex husband told them on the day that he told me, that he was going to live with someone else because he didn’t love Mummy any more but he still loved them and would see them at weekends. We were all blindsided. It took a year but then it became the new normal.

Interl0per · 06/04/2025 17:42

My parents split when I was 10. I knew there were problems beforehand (alcoholic father, loved us but incapable of caring for us). They told us at the point that "staying with his DM for work and coming back at weekends" became "staying there full-time, and us going to visit him."

Honestly, I was sad but very relieved, when he left. My DM decided to get a family dog that summer holiday to give us a bit of stability - and that was really helpful, but only possible because DGM was around to help out.
please don't get a pet unless it's right for your family, but I would encourage you to think about anything that would give your DC more stability at this time. Sorry, not sure what that is...

Jaessa · 06/04/2025 18:09

Straight to the point, no sugar coating, no "daddy is going away for a few days to relax". The sooner they understand that this is happening the sooner they learn how to manage. It's very bad giving them illusions that things might magically get better. And make it clear it's happening because of yourself and your H, not them.

Original poster

StarsNotAligned · 06/04/2025 18:44

Londonismyjam · 06/04/2025 17:25

I definitely wouldn’t leave it too long as I think children, especially older ones, pick up on the atmosphere and know that something is going on. My s* of an ex husband told them on the day that he told me, that he was going to live with someone else because he didn’t love Mummy any more but he still loved them and would see them at weekends. We were all blindsided. It took a year but then it became the new normal.

Show quote history

What an utter &£#%! So sorry for your children but actually glad you are shot of him!!

OP posts:

Original poster

StarsNotAligned · 06/04/2025 18:47

thanks for all the replies.

Yes. I don’t want to leave it too long. H is seething at me at the moment so not sure how it will go. I’m sure it’s fairly obvious. We have been separated for years really.

It’s just we haven’t put the application in yet even. No idea what it will look like.

OP posts:

Londonismyjam · 06/04/2025 18:50

Thank you OP.
I have to say that we all settled down in the end and I’ve been happily remarried for some years. A PP mentioned the ‘common road to estrangement’ and sadly that’s been true for my DC too. But DC are all grown up and with good jobs and great partners. That’s the best we can hope for isn’t it.

Endofyear · 06/04/2025 19:18

I would wait until you can give them an idea of what life is going to look like going forward - for example will the house have to be sold, will you have to move to a different area, how much time will they spend with you and how much with dad. They need certainty and to feel that both you and their dad are going to be ok and they will be looked after. Is there a chance you and he can have a talk about what and when to tell the children, maybe go out for a walk and have that conversation? Or is he still not in a good place to start making plans?

Shouldbedoing · 06/04/2025 19:25

My ex told my kids in a fit of spite, without pre-warning me. I had expected to do it together as we were both happy to be ending a dead marriage. If others know it from him, and the kids are old enough to sense an atmosphere, you should do it quickly. It might be kind to do it before the end of term so they have access to friends and preferred teacher/mentors.
I sense that you will all be fine.