Should I attend this funeral?

[Reinadecorazones]

My son’s dad’s aunt has just passed and her funeral is in two weeks time

brief backstory
i split up with my ex partner around 7 months ago. It’s been awful. I had to move out our family home due to his behaviour and back in with my parents. My ex partner owned the house and he put it up for sale. I was not on the mortgage and I had to go through lawyers to get money from it. He’s put me through hell and I’ve avoided him for 5 months now. My mum has been going to the door when he picks my son up. His mum has been awful too. She sat back and watched her son destroy his family and said/did nothing so I haven’t spoken with her either.

I was always on good terms with the aunt in person and online etc so I would have wanted to attend the funeral under any other circumstance.

However I can’t decide whether to go or not. I would need to go on my own and I would see my ex and his family etc and I just don’t want to have any interactions with them.

i always in life try to do the right thing and i feel genuinely bad for not wanting to attend. I think it’s causing me unnecessary stress and anxiety but if I don’t go I will feel bad and I worry it looks bad that I don’t go.

can anyone offer advice from their perspective?

thank you

The aunt won’t know or care if you are there. Why not go to somewhere peaceful (another church maybe?) and have some time to think about her. What’s the point in putting yourself through the stress of seeing the family if you don’t have to?

I don't think I would go, unless she had a husband or children that you were also close with and that you want to show your respects to them. Could you quietly and privately visit her grave post the funeral.

Is it a cremation or burial? If the latter I’d go pay my respects privately.

Does the aunt have a partner or children? If she did then send them a sympathy card, it's fine not to go.

Don't put yourself through it. She wouldn't want you to go under such circumstances. Remember her in your own way,I'm sure she would much prefer you did that.

No you should not go. You can go & stand by her grave or say a prayer another day
But she is not your family, you do not want to see Xmil or X.
You will not be welcome, & should not “go hitting a wasp nest with a stick”

No. It’s not the right thing to do in this situation. Don’t put yourself in a position where they can abuse you again and then blame you for going & causing drama

I don't think I'd go. Find another private way to say your goodbyes to her that doesn't involve potentially inflaming a reaction from the rest of the family you didn't get on with. You know it won't end well and a funeral really isn't the place for Ill feeling to boil over.

I wouldn't go. Find a way to honour and remember her that you know she would like and appreciate.
It sounds as though you've been through the mill with your break-up. Be kind to yourself and don't leave yourself vulnerable to your ex having a go at you - or worse - telling you to leave the funeral.

Send a sympathy card but I don't go

Don't go. Send flowers or a donation.

Be guided by your instincts, but don't feel that you are under any moral obligation to attend the funeral. You have every reason not to want to encounter your ex or other members of his family, even in a public place.

Dont attend. Funerals are for the grieving and it won't benefit you and may upset ex or his mum.

Find another way to say goodbye to his aunt if you feel the need.

Don’t go.
Pay your respects privately and let the family mourn peacefully. Nobody wants or needs a graveside punch up.

I don’t see the value in your going, OP. Everyone will know, or at least have some vague idea (even if it’s an inaccurate one) about what’s gone between you and your ex - you’d just be inviting barbed comments or whispering in corners. You don’t need it, and neither does anyone else at a funeral. Presumably the aunt had closer relatives than your ex? The day should be about them, not an estranged couple in the extended family.

Buy yourself a nice bottle of wine and drink a toast to her - or donate the money to a charity she’d have liked to support.

No you shouldn’t go - it will be very difficult and likely cause upset to you and the aunt’s family. Make a donation in her memory to a charity she would approve of and light a candle in her memory at the time of the funeral. If she is being buried you can visit her grave in the future to lay some flowers.

No. I'd donate , send a card to her partner/children.

Definitely do not go. As pp have said she is gone and won't know. You attending is just causing drama, keep away and say your goodbyes privately.

This is a good compromise. A sympathy card is the way to go if the Aunt had a husband or DC.

Send some flowers (if they are having flowers) but don’t go.

The aunt won’t know if you are there or not, and if you are not great with the family, it will only cause all of you unnecessary upset and anxiety. Would you want your ex at one of your family members funerals?

I sent flowers when my mother-in-law died whilst I was going through a messy divorce. He didn’t go to his own mums funeral, however, the family remember that I sent flowers (he doesn’t talk to his family now, but I do).

I don’t see why you think this is something you would go to. I wouldn’t even ask myself this question, I wouldn’t go.

The funeral is for the family really, not the aunt. Would your presence be expected and a comfort to her family? It sounds like probably not. In that case, no, unless you are going to support your son who is old enough to independently decide to go (again doesn’t sound the case). I’d make a donation to honour her to a charity you think she’d choose.

The aunt won't care even if her ghost is watching- if she was a good person, then she'd understand why you didn't come to the funeral. Send a card and then take flowers to the grave another day

I wouldn't go in these circumstances.

It's good to say goodbye to the aunt but doing so in the presence of such nasty people is not the way.

You make your own arrangements to grieve. It doesn't matter what the nasty family members think of whether or not you are there.

Thank you all so much for your replies! This has made me feel so much better about not attending! I am going to send a sympathy card. His aunt would totally understand my reasons for not going xx