My boys are closer to their dad and I feel left out

[Led21]

I have two beautiful sons of 7 and 4 who I love immensely. My husband is great - he’s a brilliant dad and is funny, fun and kind and the boys adore him. I suffer with low mood from time to time and need some alone time. My husband has always been really supportive and good at taking the boys to give me space. He plays silly games with them and they love watching boyish tv shows and movies together.

Over the last while I’ve felt like the boys have got very close to their dad, especially the little one. He always wants him when he’s upset and asks for him to put him to bed at night and will be upset if it’s “my night” to do it. My
husband also never seems to need to want any space himself which makes me feel guilty that I feel this way. I’ve just started to feel more isolated and like it’s them and me. I feel like a bad mum because all my friends would have children who are closer to their mums and they are the “default” parent. I just feel a bit irrelevant in the family and my go to is to withdraw myself. I feel a bit rejected and frustrated that my mental health has potentially contributed to this. One day jokingly my husband told me that sometimes the boys behave better when it’s just the three of them. This really hurt me and I spouted something like “well maybe I should just move out then?!” I feel like if I wasn’t here - they wouldn’t even miss me. It’s making me feel a bit of resentment towards my husband even though he is amazing and has really not done anything wrong. He’s picked up the slack when things have been hard for me but it’s just ended up changing the relationship. I just wish I could improve things.

The simple answer would be to stop distancing yourself, but that's your coping mechanism so it sounds like it's important to your mental health that you get this time.

You don't say if you're getting professional support for your mental health...would this help? Talk to your GP?

Can you plan some special 1-1 time with each of your boys? Sit down and plan it with them, it doesn't have to be something big just going to the park then cafe for some cake and a hot chocolate. Make it manageable for yourself as much as them, make it fun, and really focus on the positives and the time together.

I'm thinking that it's a way "in" if you see, to take that first step back into rebuilding your relationships (and maybe your confidence?) with them.

Depression & anxiety play tricks on us, it plays on your fears and worries and it can be so hard to take the first step in trying to embrace the positives.

When you say you suffer from low mood, do you mean actual depression or just occasionally feeling a bit down? In either case, I think that would be the first thing to tackle. It’s important for you and for your family that your mental health is as strong as possible.

Could you spend some time with each child one on one? It wouldn’t have to be anything out of the ordinary, just a trip to the park or baking together or whatever your children enjoy. That could help strengthen your bond with them.

It's difficult when you're struggling with mental issues but I don't think if your reaction is to withdraw further it's not doing anything other than making the situation worse.

I also find it a bit disturbing that you seem to be assuming your sons should be brought up along gender lines - what are " boyish tv shows and movies" ?

If you make an effort to join in with the silly games, or think up some games to play with them yourself, and if you sit and watch the tv shows and movies with them and possibly find other different things for them to watch with you then your sons will start to see you differently.

Doing things together as a family unit rather than making it appear that only one of you - your H - is the fun parent who actually enjoys their company is not helping at all.

As the mother of a son myself I forced myself to be interested and get involved with lots of things my son was interested in when he was young, even though quite frankly some of it was boring to me. I still do infact, even though he is an adult. But it brought us together and we are close.

I’ve felt like this in the past especially as DH is the SAHP. What helped was getting 1-2-1 CBT to understand my feelings of not being good enough. Had huge breakthrough moments & helped me rationalise my thoughts.

I make an extra effort to find things in common with my boys. Do I love coding & gaming? NO! But my eldest does so now I know everything there is to know about the new Switch 2, Mario, Sonic & Scratch! My middle DS loves space & numbers - while I cannot do maths to save my life - I’ve learnt so much from him about planets & actively do space activities with him like going to a planetarium & planet walks. I download apps to see what stars I’m seeing at night so I can discuss it with him in the morning. I try & make time to do Lego sets with them (DH doesn’t have the patience).

I also wouldn’t think along gender lines & “boyish” movies & assume you can’t join in. I watched the Mario movie with my boys & loved it. I happen to love watching football- my boys absolutely hate it!

I hope things improve for you & would absolutely recommend CBT as a first step.

That sounds really hard OP, I can see how it can feel like this. Does your husband do his fair share of the grunt work and the boring stuff too. Do you get time to prioritise time for relationship with your husband as well. It's lovely he's so involved with the children but you shouldn't feel side lined by this and both you and he need to work together on this.