Should I stay or should I go?

[bfc1980]

Ok, this will be a long one.

Been in relationship with gf for about 4 years but there are some things/situations that are really playing on my mind.
I have 2 dc from previous marriage and ew and I get along brilliantly now. It's not perfect but it's actually better than when we were together. We spend important events together Christmas kids birthdays and take a family holiday together for our ds birthday (his birthday is in summer hols when we're back in Europe in different countries).

However, the way my gf reacts to our relationship and the way she is with my kids, has made me really question the future of our relationship. I'll try to be as succint as possible. But also give context to what I'm writing. These are a few examples of what is bothering me.

1. My gf isn't Christian and has never celebrated Christmas so ew, myself and dc always spend Christmas eve and day together as as a family as we are abroad and don't have any other family here. 1st Chritmas day of being with my gf she was fuming that ew had spent the day at my house with kids before we went out for dinner. Said that when we move in together, ew is not allowed inside. Explained that any home we may have is also my kids home and if they want their mum to come in, she can. Also that it's Christmas, I would never stop her from seeing the kids at Christmas which is why we always do it together.

2. Not long after meeting the kids for 1st time gf was at my house and ds wanted her play FIFA with him. She said no and carried on sitting on the sofa in her phone. I practically had to force her to join in with him.

3. A couple of years ago, we were having lunch in a shopping mall and a pretty big fire broke out. We were on the 6th floor fire was on ground floor. Closest way out was down some escalators that were going the wrong way. Gf shot off down them leaving me with 2 kids to find another way out.

4. Just before this Christmas, I took the kids to top golf for a day out, invited gf. Whilst there, she refused to play despite kids repeatedly asking her. Said that she's not good at it (fwiw neither are the kids but they love it). Instead she just sat there and didn't interact with kids.

5. Then on NYE, met her for dinner with my kids before dc and I went to a party. For the whole 2 hours in the restaurant, she barely said 2 words to kids. Not even asking them about their Christmas presents.

When it's just me and her, she's very loving and an ideal partner to be with. But to me what's more important is how someone is with my kids. It's just so awkward when she meets them and after 4 years of being with her, she should have a solid relationship with my kids by now.

Are these valid reasons to be so fed up with the relationship?

Time to move on. She hasn't invested herself into your family

She is showing you, very clearly, how she feels about your children and your relationship with your ex wife. Of course you need to break it off. Put your children first

Sorry this might be an unpopular opinion but she’s in a relationship with you and not your kids, she’s obviously just not interested in them and you can’t force it.

Your kids are the most important thing in the world to you and your ex wife, you can’t expect her to feel the same way.

The only way I can see this working is for you to put your kids first (as you should) and see your girlfriend separately, if you were looking for her to move in and have a stepparent role then it seems unlikely she is thinking the same, she more then likely tolerates your kids as she wants to be with you.
She shouldn’t be getting in the way of the good parenting relationship you have with your ex wife either.

I think you need a proper conversation about what you both want from the future, it’s not fair on the kids to be around someone who isn’t keen on spending time with them and it isn’t fair on your girlfriend for you to expect her to love your kids the same way you do.

The big question is can you have a relationship without involving your children?

Well, I wouldn’t want Dhs ex wife in my house every Christmas and every birthday but I would probably have tolerated it with good grace for the sake of the DSC when they were small. I absolutely would not have accepted her coming on holiday with us, that is a step too far, for me.
The rest of it though sounds like she just isn’t interested in your children. That is her prerogative of course but it hardly makes her ideal step mother material. Lots of spineless men, my own father included, allow this kind of treatment of their children and are then amazed when the children no longer want to see them. You are putting your children first, as you should. If she can’t see that, if she would want to be with the kind of man who doesn’t prioritise his children (which baffles me, I would never entertain such a man) then you simply are not suited and should move on.

Time to move on. She’s made it crystal clear what she thinks about your kids and it will be worse if she moves in.

It's going to end v badly fella, imo. I think you actually know the answer already (it's best to separate) but perhaps wanted validation here?

Marriage isn't going to improve things. In fact imo it'll affect your relationship with your children.

It's a v v tough thing to do but put it to bed now before the wheels properly fall off once you're married. You seem to be in a good place at the moment with your ex-wife/family/Sharing the kids/knowing what's right/balance etc. I'd actually invest all your time in your kids and the things that are important to you and them for the moment. I just don't see it improving with the current gf/situation you've described, sorry.
Good luck. Life eh?

She is going to go nuclear when you dump her. Be prepared.

It doesn’t sound like you are very compatible. If you’ve got all these doubts over a relatively new relationship I think it’s time to move on.

Whilst you can't force her to like your child, she clearly wants to be your priority. There's a conflict which you won't be able to resolve. This will destroy the relationship. Moving in and having children together would just make things even worse, so if that is a long term goal, it's probably better to end it now and find someone who isn't like this. Staying single is a valid option too.

She’s never going to be onboard with the kids. You need to accept that or move on.

You're being unrealistic to expect a woman without children to suddenly find her motherly instincts and know how to behave like a stepmum. Relationships like this are delicate and take time. Sounds like she's already very jealous of the time you spend with your ex 'as a family'. I don't think your ex should be welcome to come into house just because kid wants her to. If it's your GF's house too once she lives there. I would not want someone's ex coming in and out especially at Christmas.

You seem to want a partner to tag along with your kids and ex, rather than helping pave the way for her to take on this new role.

Natural that she didn't think about kids not being able to take an escalater in an emergency. Also normal for her not to enjoy a day of mini golf or feel too embarrassed or grumpy to join in with kids games so early. She's allowed to say no without a guilt trip. She's probably never spent much time with kids in this environment. When they're your own you naturally feel at ease and enjoy their company. She probably finds days with them irritating, confusing and difficult.

If you want to help her bond, put some boundaries in place. Ex wife needs to respect your space if it's to be girlfriend's space too. Gf doesn't need to be a Christian to celebrate Christmas.

I'm sure she knows kids come first. But try to view her with compassion and kindness too.

It’s been 4 years she has had plenty of time to build a relationship with your kids. She doesn’t have to be a step parent to them but she doesn’t even sound like she has tried to build a relationship with them as your girl friend which for me would be a red flag.

Why would you continue a relationship when in the long run it could end up ruining the relationship you have with your kids and the good relationship you have with your ex?

I personally wouldn’t have let this go on for 4 years and would have ended it a lot sooner.

Dump and run

This isn’t going to work out for you.
Your kids are your priority which is good to see but from her perspective you spend important celebrations as a family so where does she fit in?
If she already had kids of her own she might understand and make an effort to be a positive influence in their lives, but I don’t think she sees this as important. She also sounds younger and quite immature? I’d cut and run now.
I loved my exes DC and made a lot of effort to build a relationship and understood they also needed quality time together. But even I’d feel uncomfortable at spending an annual holiday with a partner, ex and their child as a third wheel.
I get that this works for your kids, but you’ll have difficulty finding any partner to sign up to this, especially one without kids.

Thanks for the replies. Some more context for you. The house is mine so she doesn't really have a right to say that the kids' mum can't come in. I understand that if it was her house too, that particular situation would be problematic which is why I've been holding off with her moving in on a permanent basis. Although she does stay when the kids aren't here and she isn't at work. She has 2 places of her own that she stays in when the kids are with me. Which is half of the week.

She has never celebrated Christmas at all in her life. Over here it is another normal day. Kids are at school, government departments, banks, offices and shops are open. It's just not part of the culture.

I do think there's a cultural/societal difference between how we view coparenting. Well here, it's just not done. When parents split up, the guy goes off with his younger, slimmer girlfriend and never sees his kids and ex again. Not always, but it's more often than not. This is what she told me and her reasoning why I shouldn't be so friendly with my ex. I'm actually proud of how we parent and that kids are being exposed to as healthy a break up as possible (I suppose a healthy break up is better than an unhealthy marriage).

Our family holidays are so we can both spend our son's birthday with him. It's in the middle of the summer holidays and we're usually back in Europe then (me in UK and exw another country). We meet up somewhere for a couple of days. Always 2 hotel rooms. Though last summer we went campervanning around parts of Australia for a couple of weeks for his birthday. Nothing 'romantic' would ever happen. It was just a brilliant experience for the kids. GF doesn't come on these trips.

I don't want to force her to have a relationship with the kids. She doesn't need to be a stepmum but it's important to me that whoever I'm with can at least interact with them in a meaningful way. This just doesn't happen and when I've brought it up she doesn't really get it and responds with, "Well did they make an effort to speak to me and ask me about my day?" They're 9 and 13. They don't even ask me about my day. I know I shouldn't expect someone without kids to know instictively how to interact with them, but she has nieces and nephews and sometimes has to interact with children as part of her job so it isn't completely alien to her.

As someone said earlier, if/when I break up with her, she will go nuclear. She knows I'm not happy and I've told her the reasons why. She has promised to make an effort. Her effort was to plan (not booked) a mini break for just the 2 of us this week. However, it's school holidays and I have the kids for the 1st week. So she wasn't impressed with me. To me she just doesn't get it and as many of you said, she wants a relationship with me, but not with my kids. If it was just me, it would be a brilliant relationship. But it isn't just me and will never be just me.

Bugger. This is a long post. Sorry.

She is communicating to you through her behaviour. She has no time for your kids.
You need to move on - she’s destroy their well-being and self esteem.

She promised to make an effort then plans a trip just for you 2 and gets annoyed when you have the kids? How is a trip for you both making an effort with the kids?

I stand by my previous comment before your 2nd update you should have ended it long ago. Do it now before your kids become teenagers and realise how rude she is and decided to spend less time with you. She is not the one for you.

It all sounds a bit like ‘Fatal Attraction’. You come across as scared too.

This relationship is going nowhere. She has no time for your dc and after 4 years, it won’t get better.

Do everyone a favour and end it. And stop the sexual relationship as worse case scenario, she falls pregnant during the break up.

FFS Cagney. Way to go with scaring the shit out of me. BP is through the roof now.

Right. Clearly she just doesn't care about your kids. Your kids deserve a much more loving and caring SM than that garbage.