To feel I will never feel normal again

[Whenwillibehappyagain]

It's not really an AIBU, but I am hoping for more responses.

Nearly two weeks ago I had emergency surgery to remove my fallopian tube following ruptured ectopic pregnancy at 9.5 weeks. Not my first pregnancy loss, but the first that's ended so traumatically. No living children.

Life feels not exactly full of horror 24/7 - I'm not depressed, I'm not even crying all the time. I mostly feel almost nothing the majority of the time. I can't imagine when I will begin to care about my job again (i will be returning on Monday), or when exactly I will start to feel excited about anything again. I feel almost done with TTC - even the thought of trying again feels futile.

Whenever I feel myself start to think about my baby it's almost as though I can feel my brain taking a sharp right to avoid the topic.

I don't know when I will feel normal again and I feel pathetic even asking. I visited the coast today - normally my happy place - and it was nothing. I can't settle to books or TV and the radio is just noise. Unlike my previous losses I am not crying all the time. I just don't seem to care about anything.

I'm 34 and my husband wants to wait a few months and try again. It feels inevitable it will simply end in another loss and I'm not sure why we would put ourselves through it.

You've been through a trauma, and it takes time to process that. Don't put pressure on yourself to return to normal, for a while things aren't normal, and that's sort of ok for now.

i had an ectopic too, it's such a horrible thing to experience.

be kind to yourself, take your time and feel what you feel. Xx

I'm sorry OP. This sounds like trauma mixed in with grief. Give yourself time and patience.

I had the same age 32.. ( I'd got one daughter) ectopic/ ruptured ovary plus Endometriosis. I'd had two miscarriages too.
But l went on to have a second daughter ..( naturally) eight years between them.
I was 35 years old with second.
She's now 32.
I did have total hysterectomy age 36.
Sending healing thoughts with love.

I'm so sorry OP.
I lost my baby son when he was three weeks old.
My second son was born 12 years later after fertility treatment. I thought I'd never have a second chance but I did. And he is now an adult.
Be kind to yourself and give yourself time OP.
Sending you all best wishes.

So sorry to hear of your losses too ladies but thank you for sharing your happy endings.

How did you feel ready to try again and can I ask how long it took before you were ready.

So sorry to hear this OP.

I had two losses before having my DD - the second was particularly grim, a missed miscarriage where I ended up needing surgery after the drugs failed. The whole thing took 3 months to sort out physically.

After that I took 6 months off TTC. We were moving house and I couldn’t cope with the possibility of another loss on top of that stress. I did then TTC again and conceived DD. It was a tough time and things felt bleak - I suppose I didn’t want to give up on the possibility of children entirely but I didn’t feel much hope that things would work out.

You’re very early days after this latest loss and the trauma of surgery - I hope you can rest, do things that are good for your body as it heals, and perhaps put TTC out of your mind if that’s what you need to do for now. Hope your work are being supportive.

P.S. I did try therapy briefly, though didn’t find a therapist I clicked with unfortunately - not sure if that’s a possibility for you as I know others find it helpful.

Work have been okay with me being off - not that they really had a choice. Work for a large multinational (retail). I don't care about the work hugely at the best of times if I'm honest.

This was also surgery following failed medical management. I was completely unprepared and had barely wrapped my head around the news of the ectopic when the rupture hit me days later.

I'm scared that my remaining tube is also damaged and that I'll go through this again and then be infertile at best, dead at worst. TTC literally feels like taking my life in my hands.

I keep having wild thoughts about quitting my job or adopting a baby. I don't think I should be making any decisions at this stage but I'm trying to think of anything that I might be able to find joy in. Then feeling overwhelmed. Then despair.

Bless you, OP.

I've also had a traumatic pregnancy loss in the past, involving surgery and similar to yours, I think.

I found it very, very tough.

Give it time. Let your feelings be what they are. This state is only temporary.

I had an ectopic that was medically managed because we caught it just before it would have ruptured because I was bleeding profusely and was in extreme pain, I have never felt anything like it, I can’t imagine what an actual rupture must have felt like. It is traumatic, for me it was the experience, what felt like the loss of a baby and also the hormones took a while to settle down. I ended up having migraines with an aura after that too which didn’t go away until the birth of my first child. I think I was grieving tbh.

You need to give yourself rest and time, two weeks is not very long, we stopped TTC for 4 months because I was given methotrexate and my gynaecologist wanted us to take a break. DH insisted on a minimum of 4 months because I think he was worried about something like that happening again. Tbh by the time 3 months was up I was ready to try again. I needed the break from TTC, our lives had revolved around it for a while and taking a break was good for me. I had actually thought at that point that I may not even want to TTC but I had some space and time to think about it and I came to conclusion that I was willing to try again but IVF would be a red line for me. When you are actively TTC it can take over your life very easily, take the time OP, it’s an extremely traumatic experience and sometimes the only thing that can heal you is time. I hope you feel better soon x

Your grieving and at the same time desperate for a baby, give it some time, you will know when your ready, but for now be gentle with yourself you've been through a lot 🙏🏻 I pray you go on to have healthy pregnancies and healthy full term babies 🙏🏻❤️ remember you will go through a lot of emotions and all are valid, it's a process towards healing ❤️

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I’ve just had my 3rd missed miscarriage and no living children. I completely get everything you are saying. It’s been 18 months for me and I’m tired of this being my life

It sounds like you may have some PTSD from the experience which is totally understandable. I think sometimes these things just take time, you will find yourself finding joy in things again and the feelings will come back. Don't rush yourself.

I'm so sorry for your loss and that you are in such a low place, entirely understandably.

Having had three traumatic miscarriages myself I know how hard it is to try and bounce back. But with the benefit of hindsight I now know you don't have to. You just have to let yourself recover naturally, and you will I promise. At this stage I'd be firm with your partner that you cannot work within a timeline. Your body and mind need very important healing time.

Life is for living so maybe try and step away from focusing on starting a family for a while and find the joy in the every day again.

I felt my lowest point was when I'd lost hope. At that point my husband assured me he hadn't lost hope and I asked him to be hopeful for the both of us until I found mine again. That really helped me. The need to remain optimistic and certain we would have a family was exhausting me and detrimental.

Also without trying to be insensitive and with the intention of making you see things can end up okay in the end, I had my son just before I turned 39. After basically being told I wouldn't have a child naturally, we did.

So there is hope but also I look back now, and as much as I adore my son, I know that my husband and I would have found our way to a happy life regardless. It may be helpful for you to seek out some counselling. I think it can help to speak to someone outside of your immediate circle.

Sending you all the good thoughts ❤️

I don’t think that your thoughts on a job change or looking into adoption are ‘wild’. I think they’re good options to hold onto. Obviously you hope for plan A but exploring options can open doors and keep you going. Take time to heal physically and let yourself think about different avenues for yourself in time. But don’t punish yourself for these thoughts. Maybe see if there’s someone you can talk through them with like a friend or counsellor. X

Oh sweetheart. This happened to me exactly a year ago. I was 12 weeks along and was due to have my scan the next day when the rupture happened. I can totally empathise with you and I promise you it gets easier. I won’t lie, there may be tough days ahead, but life will get better and you will feel more like you again.

Dont rush into anything. I had about 10 weeks off work. Don’t rush into trying again either. Only when you’re ready. Consider maybe having some counselling for yourself and your partner. I wish my husband and I had sought counselling (but that’s another story.) Sending you a huge hug and lots of love. Look after yourself. Do the basics - eat right, do some gentle exercise, try to sleep well and do gentle things you enjoy. You will find yourself again. I did and I never thought I would. Xx

You are all amazing. I can't reply to everyone but I promise I'm reading everything.

Some thoughts on your responses. PTSD - maybe. I keep having intrusive thoughts/flashbacks of hospital before the surgery and the hours afterwards. I think if I'd only had time to prepare it would have been better but I arrived in pain and expecting maybe a scan or another dose of methotrexate and before I knew it I was in a gown and a bed and being wheeled away to surgery. Also the first surgery I've ever had.

The baby was probably the first I'd ever felt so bonded to. I knew I was pregnant for weeks. I had terrible morning sickness. I know I want to be a mother but at the moment it's almost impossible to have hope. I like the idea of asking my husband to carry the hope for us both for now. That is extremely helpful as makes me feel I don't have to have that right now.

Work - it's not a job change I'm even thinking of, just the thought of jacking it in. I don't feel work will bring me any happiness. Maybe I'd be happier not working. Not really a sensible choice.

Waiting to TTC - I will have to tell him if I'm not ready after the three months. Not allowed for three months. He's such a good man. He will understand. I just hate to disappoint him. It's not his fault my body doesn't work.

Adoption. Not totally a wild thought just I think wild to consider/begin whilst I'm in this state. Before it felt like something I could not do - now it feels like something that could be the answer. I'm going to park it for now. Down the road maybe.

It is so unbelievably reassuring to hear other people felt this way.

I expected to go home and cry and cry and cry and then heal. Instead it's just shock and numb and nothing. I've never felt like this. If it really is temporary I can survive it.

What emotions came back first?

I'm so sorry.
Do you know the reason for your losses? Have you seen the specialist? I think NHS help is offered after 3 consecutive losses. There are therapies there that mights help you. I would save up and seen a specialist privately. Trust me, I've been there. All the best xxx.

I didn't know before but after surgery I do. They said the tube they removed as well as being ruptured was scarred and damaged. Nothing else has shown up and we had had tests on both of us.

The remaining one might be the same. It's likely from an STI so my fault. I've been referred to the recurrent miscarriage clinic. All of that feels like something for someone else to deal with in another life. I cant even comprehend going to an appointment to discuss another future pregnancy. I really can't think about that right now.

An STI isn't your fault, infections happen to lots of people. Please don't blame yourself for this.

For a lot of people, trauma symptoms will heal on their own. You're very early days since the trauma, and it was a complex serious of events to make sense of. Do all the healthy things - eat nutritious food, try to exercise if you're well enough, get fresh air, spend time with supportive people, take calm time to rest/sleep if you can. The brain is trying to process a massive experience, it's a natural process, it numbs you in order to be able to process things in smaller chunks. If it feels right, it can be helpful to talk about the experience, or write, or draw - this can get thoughts "out of your head" and processed by a different part of your brain.

PTSD is diagnosed if your brain gets stuck and can't work through it without help. If you're still having issues after a month, there's various forms of trauma therapy that can help with the processing.

OP, I’m sorry for your loss and the very hard place you find yourself in. I can empathise- I’ve never had an ectopic pregnancy, but had two natural pregnancies that ended in early miscarriage after a 2 year struggle to conceive. Then an awful experience of IVF on the NHS which started with a positive pregnancy test and ended with my spending a week in hospital with sepsis. I came out of hospital then feeling entirely numb and detached from the world around me, bleakly convinced (aged 37) that I would never have a child. Two and a half years later my son arrived, the result of private IVF treatment.

You have been through trauma. You are only 34. Don’t set timescales but give yourself the chance to recover, one day at a time. Do the small acts of self care- you are worth looking after. And as others have said, let your husband carry hope for both of you. You’ll find yourself again x

3 years ago I had a traumatic loss of a twin pregnancy. The pregnancy didn’t end naturally although both twins passed a week apart, I had medical treatments to help move things along but nothing worked. I had retained tissue and haemorrhaged twice. I ended up in hospital so many times, for weeks after this loss. Unfortunately not my first pregnancy either (no living children at this point) I remember the feelings of wanting to adopt, scared for another loss, feeling numb, worried about time running out, jealous of others falling pregnant, guilt etc…

3 years on…

I’ve learnt to deal with the grief and have been involved in support groups for pregnancy loss alongside therapy for intrusive thoughts and grief. I’ve had a little boy and my feelings of sadness have passed, finally. I didn’t think I would ever get to this point or feel like me again. I just needed time and support, I feel like the first 6 months after my losses were the hardest navigating the pain.

Lord, two weeks is no time at all. You been through a physically & emotionally very difficult time, it's absolutely to be expected you will feel up and down. Please give yourself time to just heal, and try not to let your thoughts run away with you.

I have severe endo, had a missed miscarriage in my early 30s which wasn't straight forward, then surgery for the endo to remove a badly damaged ovary & fallopian tube. It was over a year before i felt ready to try & conceive again, but we did try again and it was successful.

Wishing you luck with whatever you decide in the future, but for now treat yourself gently.

@ManchesterGirl2 that gives me so much relief. Everyone is expecting me to be crying and wanting to help me talk through and make plans for the future and I don't know how to explain that I just feel so empty and nothing and can't talk. I guess my brain is just doing it's thing. I've been painting a lot. It's all crap I'm not good but its something I can do when my brain won't focus on other things. I don't need to concentrate on painting I just do it.

You ladies are so brave and have overcome so much. I'm so glad you are mother's now.

Do you ever feel you just want to slam a stop button on time. I just need time to catch up to where we are now without everything relentlessly moving forwards.

Maybe two weeks is nothing. It doesn't actually sound very long really it's just that I got signed off for two weeks and they said after two weeks I would be able to resume most normal activies and so far I've resumed the use of the shower and toilet and just today driven my car. Nothing else is normal.

@Whenwillibehappyagain 2 weeks is nothing it's a fart on the wind. I don't say that unkindly I have had multiple losses. Not an ectopic though so can't comment there. But there is no time line on grief. You can't grieve wrong. And you probably do have PTSD it's very common after misscarriges and traumatic loss. All your hopes love future and dreams tied up in your body. which then decides to shit you up and spit you out by breaking down and failing you. That's my words on how I felt about my body no trust in it, no care for it. Not wanting to do anything just numb. I'm now in a better place but therapy did help. I wouldn't think long term or even short term. Just take one breath at a time and get through each minute, each hour. No expectations no pressure. Make sure you are signed off work for a few weeks. Everything will look too dark or too bright, jealousy and rage. Your feelings are ok too feel but they aren't nice to feel if that makes sense. Sleep deprived so apologies for any spelling grammar mistakes. If you look up my name or misscarriges on the Mumsnet boards they're a lot of us, supportive space rants allowed. Stay safe x