Is “not liking confrontation” a good enough reason to ghost your friends?

[HardyTurtle]

More and more, I hear people say they “just can’t do confrontation” and use that as justification for cutting off friends without explanation. I’m not talking about toxic situations - I mean normal friendships where something goes a bit off, and instead of addressing it, one person just disappears.

I get that not everyone is good at hard conversations… but is that really a free pass to avoid accountability or closure? Isn’t it kind of selfish to disappear on someone who cared about you, just because the chat might be awkward?

AIBU to think “I don’t do confrontation” is being used more as a shield than a reason?

Very selfish and immature. People seem so confused and think the only options are silence or ‘confrontation’ (aggression).

Whatever happened to being open, honest, direct and respectful. Ghosting/silence sure isn’t kind or respectful.

I don’t get why it’s hard to understand that in some situations ghosting/cutting someone off is the right thing to do.

I don’t owe anybody anything. I don’t have to sit in a room and explain my reasons for cutting someone off. I don’t want to listen to their excuses, their justifications or their explanations. People don't ghost others for the craic. They do it for their own mental and emotional well being. Nobody owns anyone else. I am not your employer, I don’t have to give you a list of reasons why I am letting you go. I close the door. No fanfare, no announcements, no hashing it out. A clean break. My choice, my right and my decision. It’s not about respect, if I respected you I wouldn't be ending the friendship, it’s about boundaries and respect for myself.

I can see both sides. It does seem a bit pathetic to not address issues that might be resolvable, but on the other hand, if you’re being a dick, is it really someone else’s responsibility to educate you?

If you’re a friend it needn’t be confrontational. Be kind in words and deeds and it will be fine
I find people who ‘ghost’ others cowards and despicable

Because it’s never the right thing to do.
the only excuse is when you’ve already tried conversation

Oh god I’m soooo guilty of this myself.
No of course it’s not a good enough reason, everyone deserves an explanation, but I have done this a couple of times. If the other person catches on that I’m not the same as before then I will explain, but I’m nowhere near brave enough to just let it out myself, I wish I was.

I presume this thread is being told by only one side? How do we know their version some people are neurotic some unreasonable some narcissistic some only think their side is right whose version is 'right'

What about my example @beachcitygirl? It was pretty horrible at the time. Ghosting may not always be the behaviour of a coward or someone who likes drama, but actually the last resort.

I guess I am awful. I have been the ghosting friend and I don't shy away from confrontation normally as I work in a legal capacity - confrontation is part of my job!
I drifted apart from one person after a mutual friend died and she behaved quite badly over the funeral arrangements and house clearance.
She made it all about her and not the friend that died. If people didn't do what she wanted she was really unpleasant to them and about them. At the time I put it down to grief but then on reflection I realized how badly she had actually treated me. I went back through previous interactions in my mind and realized she was a really negative influence in my life - often being derogatory about the latest person she had stopped being friends with.

After a few weeks of me not answering the phone - she messaged me to ask why I hadn't been in touch or seen her for a while. I said that we had drifted apart since X died. She didn't ask why - she just disagreed then unfriended me on everything, didn't want to fix anything.
I saw her at a pub quiz recently and she pointedly ignored me - clearly not interested in a conversation.
I stand by my decision to ghost her. A confrontation would have been pointless as she wouldn't understand, she would just have told me I was wrong.

I’ve learned from experience that you really can’t win when you want to reject someone socially. I’ve found that if I’m “too nice” when rejecting someone - the person I’m rejecting accuses me of deceiving them in some way e.g “why give me the wrong impression”.

On the other hand, when I’ve been honest and direct - but not ‘offensive’ or rude in any way - people don’t react well to that either, realistically.

To be honest, people don’t react well to social rejection however it’s presented.

I ghosted someone because she did something so awful and damaging to my life that I felt like this is the best option. Ghosting is a good thing if you’ve been bullied by someone you thought was a friend as the bully is kept in the dark about the real situation - and the best thing you can do to a bully is keep them in the dark.

Under the great cement slab of culturally imposed politeness there is little room for moving freely.
Being polite doesn’t automatically mean you mustn’t, under any circumstances, upset the other party. Passive aggression isn’t kindness. Ghosting isn’t a polite way of getting out of anything, it’s rude and cowardly.

It’s normally just an attempt to hide that person’s inadequacy, lack of emotional intelligence. It’s got nothing to do with protecting the other people’s feelings, just one’s own.

No wonder people feel lonely.

I think these topics are always tricky as everyone’s opinion is skewed by their own experience.

in my personal life, I’ve known a woman who ghosted several people for minor to undetectable offences. I’ve been friends with the ghostees for many years since and they are lovely people.

Ive also known some horrific people who have rightly been ghosted by others.

Ive also pulled away from someone because they’ve shown a side I didn’t like but it’s been a gradual fade. I’m still friends with them but I just don’t put in as much effort.

@Nuttygarlic yes I did message her a few times over 2020 to see how she was but she didn’t answer. I wasn’t boring her with my woes, I was keeping it light.. She would then message me out of the blue when she wanted to know something (usually local gossip I knew absolutely zero about). I would respond saying I didn’t know anything about whatever she wanted to know but anyway, how was she? She would then not answer that. I was caring for my mum and working full time throughout so I was really busy so I wasn’t focussed on communicating all the time.

i had to do it when someone close to me lost the plot and started causing issues for me and others at work. We are talking grievances, complaints to the board, all sorts (investigated externally and not upheld).

To this day I don’t know what it was about but all I could safely do was withdraw contact - I still had to see them for a while and would speak about professional but not personal matters. it felt like any point of contact was a trap set to make things worse. Awful. I’d never choose to do things that way.

What would be the purpose of a confrontation in a situation where you know the friendship isn't going to survive though?

Bingo. That’s precisely the reason I ended up ghosting a friend. We’d had many ‘talks’ over the years about the aspects of our friendship / her personality that I found frustrating and she was the type who always had to be right and have the last word. When she sent me a lengthy screed by text of how I’d ‘wronged’ her for calling her out on her BS again and demanding to meet in person to discuss it, I decided I’d had enough and that she only wanted to meet to bully me into an apology.

I knew that arguing with her about it would just cause more drama and I didn’t want that in my life anymore. So I simply never replied, immediately blocked her on everything, and never spoke to her again. Life is too short to spend it dealing with emotional vampires.

It’s not a last resort though. It was a choice. The same as her appalling behaviour to you was a choice.
I would have spoken up when she did the tinkly laugh or if I found myself unable to do so, I would have text d saying you’re not the kind of person I want in my life due to blah, blah.
noone ever ever ever knows what is going on in someone else’s life . What if she was going through something worse that wasn’t public knowledge? Fertility issues, cancer, miscarriages etc.
I repeat ghosting is the work of a coward, especially in this world where email or texting is an option.

well it depends I can't be friends with people who are over dramatic and make every single situation about them and live the whole life as the centre of the tehor own universe and are constantly needy, but I am happy to debate topics if they come up

so what confrontation in what context?, and I loathe the word context but it seems to fit here & what is the difference in ghosting and just losing touch with someone as time goes on which has happened long before the modern way of needing to stick a label on what used to just happen in the past

I didn't even know "ghosting people" was a thing until I read it online 😂

I take your point but my understanding is that losing touch is gradual and over a long time and usually mutual and ghosting is literally disappearing. Willing to stand corrected on this.