Which is the correct parenting response in this situation.

[Theteenagerera]

DD 13 on a hack on her pony in beautiful sunshine with friends (situation normal) pony is a competition pony with nature to match and had got itself quite excited being out with friends (spring grass IYKYK) so DD had decided to leave rest of ride and head off on own to calm it down and to protect some of the more novice riders with them.

In the past this has worked well but today it didn’t and pony bolted DD home, cantering on road, slipping (thankfully not falling) and while that made back in tact and a pair normally stoic DD phoned home bawling her eyes out, really spokes and really worried about pony who was sweaty prancing mess.

Both DH and I concerned, that’s not the AIBU however one parent felt it was enough to speak to DD on phone, talk incident through with her, reassure that they are both ok and give some advice on what to do next. The other parent wondered why we were wasting time talking on the phone had car keys in hand and knew if typically hardy DD was that upset she needed a hug and for us to check over her and pony.

Phone parent thinks the other is flapping unnecessarily and causes more upset especially as both DD and horse are fine, car key parent cannot understand why protective instinct hasn’t kicked in to rush to DD and horse.

Who is BU.

Neither.

they are both reasonable responses.

one works towards building independence the other works towards soothing distress.

both are within the range of reasonable.

I think phone reassurance was okay IF DD had, during the call, calmed down.

1st response nailed it.

There is no perfect response. There is no perfect parenting. There is no right answer.

We all do the best we can in the circumstances.

Telling someone else doing their best that they have 'done it wrong' is the only crappy thing to do.

I don't think it needs to cause a disagreement or for anyone to be right. Car keys parent could just say "you keep her talking, I'm going to pop down and just help her out" then go off on own. If that is what happened and phone parent is making an issue out if it I would suggest phone parent might be harbouring some bigger issues and that both parents need to sit down and clear the air.

Both are acceptable responses but as a horsey person I would be going up to the yard to check the pony for myself anyway as I think it’s too much responsibility even for an experienced 13 yr old and if she has phoned home in a state then I think that really she is asking for help .

I would have asked the chikd what they wanted/ needed. At 13 the will know if they been you or not.

I was always at the yard when mine started hacking out. At 13 I would expect a parent to be around tbh. In your scenario I would go to her, of course.

Not sure - but wanted to say this happened to me at a similar age. I competed that pony for another 3 years and still have horses today. It’s terrifying but a mix of sympathy and tough love resolved the residual fear

I careened about the countryside alone from being 12 - roads much quieter then, but in the right place I can’t see why sensible young teens shouldn’t hack unaccompanied - I had the most fun and am so grateful to my parents for the independence (and the ponies and horses who travelled with me)

I don't know anything about horses but it sounds like a scary experience and I'd want to go and check if daughter and pony were both ok.

I agree with the first poster - neither parent is being unreasonable and neither reponse is more 'right' than the other. There's nothing wrong with building fortitude, but there's nothing wrong with showing extra support sometimes. Saying that, if it were my choice and my normally stoic child was that upset, I would lean more towards driving to them to make sure they and the pony were both ok.

At 13 I’d be with car parent. 16ish? Probably phone parent. I wouldn’t leave the decision to the 13 year old- it can be hard to ask for help at that age.

I wouldn't leave my 13 year old a sobbing, scared mess like that. It's really scary to be on the back of a spooking horse as an adult, let alone as a young teen.

I think phone parent is BU but I also think if you don't have experience of horses, you may not realise how scary it can be.

I don't think phone parent should stop car key parent from going to her if that's what was happening? Or did you go anyway but car key parent wanted to be quicker?

I was 18 when I had a big fall off my competition horse. My mum was the phone mum. I've had therapy over this as dealing with it all myself scared me. I still drop a bit of confidence now when any of my horses get silly on a hack.

I broke my arm when I was 13 and my mum was with me. In the end, I was crying to get back on.

I don't think there's a right way but having my mum on hand to calm me down helped a lot. Dealing with it on my own let my mind run riot.

I wish I had a pony.

What did your daughter want to happen because that is the correct response!

Thanks everyone for the inputs.

DD and pony are both absolutely fine DD has been back in for something to eat and is away back to the yard to ride another horse for someone but good to know neither DH or I were wrong just being useful in different ways.

DD has been riding since she was 3, very competent and we have had said pony for 3 years so well used to her diva antics, however we have very good grass this year and I think it’s making her very happy about life! Researching a stronger bit for hacking as we speak.

In response to a previous poster, we are a 4 minute drive to our yard and sometimes depending on where they are hacking they are closer to home than to stables.

Bet the Dad was the phone parent and the mum was the drive to DD parent. I would’ve been the drive straight there as she’s only 13.

But I guess it does give independence if she was calm after the call?

Just to clarify I meant be around at the yard, not with them when out. I did the same. That said OP has since said they were a 4 minute drive away so under those circumstances I would be at home too. Our yard was half an hour away when I was a kid.