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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend looks down on me as I don't sahm

41 replies

CleverTaupeHare · 05/04/2025 14:00

My friend who I've known for a long time I feel looks down on me because I don't sahm.

She works two days a week and now has two kids. Says it's not worthwhile her going to work financially. Is a nurse, not sure what band.

States people like Paris Fury look after their own kids and holds them in high esteem.

I have to work as partner went back home and no longer in contact. I didn't really enjoy maternity of being with child full time anyway. I have little support locally.

Aibu in thinking she looks down in me?

OP posts:
Original poster
CleverTaupeHare · 05/04/2025 14:03

She has loads of support locally with grandparents and so kings, plus partner is WFH. Still was looking at not having a second and steraltisation

OP posts:
FateReset · 05/04/2025 14:05

Maybe she feels you look down on her for giving up nursing career? In western culture a lot of people don't view being a sahm as a proper 'job' or see it as taking the easy option. It's actually a very intense, hard job if you do it properly and don't outsource everything, but she may have experienced negativity. Few women enjoy the switch at first.

Why would she try to belittle you or make you feel bad for not having her options? Unless you've said disparaging things about sahms to her in past?

Original poster
CleverTaupeHare · 05/04/2025 14:08

FateReset · 05/04/2025 14:05

Maybe she feels you look down on her for giving up nursing career? In western culture a lot of people don't view being a sahm as a proper 'job' or see it as taking the easy option. It's actually a very intense, hard job if you do it properly and don't outsource everything, but she may have experienced negativity. Few women enjoy the switch at first.

Why would she try to belittle you or make you feel bad for not having her options? Unless you've said disparaging things about sahms to her in past?

She's still working

She always states it financially better for her not to work as much etc. she earns £40k so that's not true (we go to same nursery).

I avoid talking about this with her because I don't judge people's lives, they do that they want

OP posts:
Original poster
CleverTaupeHare · 05/04/2025 14:09

She brings it up quite a lot.

Instead of saying "yeah I like staying at home" it's "it's financially better".

Wouldn't mind but the TV is on constantly

OP posts:
TheCountessofFitzdotterel · 05/04/2025 14:10

She might be genuinely looking down on you or she might be feeling defensive and hitting out because I promise you, SAHMs get looked down on a whole lot more.

TwoLeggedGrooveMachine · 05/04/2025 14:10

I had this from some ‘friends’ when DC were small. I distanced myself and mixed with less judgmental people. My kids are 17 and 14 and being a working mum doesn’t appear to have impacted negatively on them. They have happy memories of nursery/child miner/grand parents childcare. To them me working was so totally normal as to not be worthy of comment. All that mum guilt for nothing!

SundayFundayz · 05/04/2025 14:13

CleverTaupeHare · 05/04/2025 14:09

She brings it up quite a lot.

Instead of saying "yeah I like staying at home" it's "it's financially better".

Wouldn't mind but the TV is on constantly

Who’s judging who??

TwoLeggedGrooveMachine · 05/04/2025 14:14

TheCountessofFitzdotterel · 05/04/2025 14:10

She might be genuinely looking down on you or she might be feeling defensive and hitting out because I promise you, SAHMs get looked down on a whole lot more.

It depends which side you are in. I definitely got judged and faux head tilt sympathy for leaving my babies with strangers. Maybe things have swung in favour of working mums a bit more now due to COL rises but working mums definitely got a whole load of judgement from SAHMs justifying their choices when mine were small.

Needmorelego · 05/04/2025 14:15

She's not your friend.
Friends don't say things like that to each other.
Ignore her and find new friend

Sofiewoo · 05/04/2025 14:17

CleverTaupeHare · 05/04/2025 14:09

She brings it up quite a lot.

Instead of saying "yeah I like staying at home" it's "it's financially better".

Wouldn't mind but the TV is on constantly

Stop.

BopandBootheBraveBunnies · 05/04/2025 14:18

Is this your second thread about this is two day?

BopandBootheBraveBunnies · 05/04/2025 14:18

Sorry, in two days.

ValentinesGranny · 05/04/2025 14:18

So she isn't a SAHM?

theunbreakablecleopatrajones · 05/04/2025 14:19

The evidence this woman is an idiot is strong

Just get shot of her, or don’t and take the bits of her you like

Needmorelego · 05/04/2025 14:19

Why do people care so much about what other people do with their lives?
Working full time, part time or SAHM.
Why does it matter?
Who actually cares?

LadyQuackBeth · 05/04/2025 14:24

You appear to be the judgey one, why throw in a dig about the TV? This is almost definitely a you problem.

All she's said to you is that it makes financial sense - people tend to say that to avoid sounding like it's an ideological choice, the very opposite of judgey.

It might not be 100% true but she's allowed to weigh up her own pros and cons without giving you all the details. She's saying financial to avoid getting into it with you and you need to leave it alone.

Reflect on why her choices bother you and why you'd even care that she follows SAHMs on whatever platform - if she followed Eilish MacColgan would you make it about you "she looks down at me only running 5km..." This is honestly the leaps you are making, just to make yourself feel more unhappy.

Original poster
CleverTaupeHare · 05/04/2025 14:37

TheCountessofFitzdotterel · 05/04/2025 14:10

She might be genuinely looking down on you or she might be feeling defensive and hitting out because I promise you, SAHMs get looked down on a whole lot more.

Do they? You mean the single parents "on benefits"?

OP posts:
Original poster
CleverTaupeHare · 05/04/2025 14:38

LadyQuackBeth · 05/04/2025 14:24

You appear to be the judgey one, why throw in a dig about the TV? This is almost definitely a you problem.

All she's said to you is that it makes financial sense - people tend to say that to avoid sounding like it's an ideological choice, the very opposite of judgey.

It might not be 100% true but she's allowed to weigh up her own pros and cons without giving you all the details. She's saying financial to avoid getting into it with you and you need to leave it alone.

Reflect on why her choices bother you and why you'd even care that she follows SAHMs on whatever platform - if she followed Eilish MacColgan would you make it about you "she looks down at me only running 5km..." This is honestly the leaps you are making, just to make yourself feel more unhappy.

Would rather my kid was doing activities during the day than watching TV.... Not a dig is it.

Unless "at least she looks after her own children" isn't a dog

OP posts:
Original poster
CleverTaupeHare · 05/04/2025 14:39

ValentinesGranny · 05/04/2025 14:18

So she isn't a SAHM?

Didn't go back to work full time because childcare fees. Apparently. Both get 30 hours funded. Mum is on £40k and dad is on £60k

OP posts:
ThatsNotMyTeen · 05/04/2025 14:40

I wouldn’t be bothered about the opinion of someone who admired the likes of Paris Fury

FateReset · 05/04/2025 14:49

She's still working
She always states it financially better for her not to work as much etc. she earns £40k so that's not true (we go to same nursery).
I avoid talking about this with her because I don't judge people's lives, they do that they want

Are you sure she wouldn't be better off financially, how much does her husband earn? If he makes more than 100k she won't be entitled to any free hours at all, so their nursery bill will be huge. Maybe they have lots of outgoings you don't eg older child in wraparound school clubs, cleaning/ironing services, that she could take on if she became sahm?

Funny she's still working if she'd be better off staying home, does she actually want to stay home? Might just be boasting? Or complaining about childcare costs? Nurses are famously underpaid for the work they do, so there's lots of resentment in NHS over salaries. I left my Nhs career to be a sahm but i've never judged those who can't or those who choose not to

Watermill · 05/04/2025 14:53

I don’t understand this thread at all.

Your “friend” works part time. You work full time. As a result, you think she “looks down on you.”

This definitely sounds like a “you” problem and you sound very jealous.

Offtobuttonmoontovisitmrspoon · 05/04/2025 14:54

It looks as if you are judging her.

I’m a bit confused though. Shes not a sahm, she’s a part time nurse?

Original poster
CleverTaupeHare · 05/04/2025 15:04

Offtobuttonmoontovisitmrspoon · 05/04/2025 14:54

It looks as if you are judging her.

I’m a bit confused though. Shes not a sahm, she’s a part time nurse?

She works 88 days a year. I work 230.

OP posts:
Original poster
CleverTaupeHare · 05/04/2025 15:06

FateReset · 05/04/2025 14:49

She's still working
She always states it financially better for her not to work as much etc. she earns £40k so that's not true (we go to same nursery).
I avoid talking about this with her because I don't judge people's lives, they do that they want

Are you sure she wouldn't be better off financially, how much does her husband earn? If he makes more than 100k she won't be entitled to any free hours at all, so their nursery bill will be huge. Maybe they have lots of outgoings you don't eg older child in wraparound school clubs, cleaning/ironing services, that she could take on if she became sahm?

Funny she's still working if she'd be better off staying home, does she actually want to stay home? Might just be boasting? Or complaining about childcare costs? Nurses are famously underpaid for the work they do, so there's lots of resentment in NHS over salaries. I left my Nhs career to be a sahm but i've never judged those who can't or those who choose not to

No he doesn't earn that. They get TFC and hours.

The nursery is 11k full time before deductions so yes she's financially better of.

OP posts: