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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

At my wits end with ‘oh I would have come’

25 replies

oaktree79 · 05/04/2025 13:20

Just that really, we can’t go anywhere without MIL guilt tripping and saying ‘oh I would have come with you.’

We’re having a lovely day out at a country park and she’s just rung asking what we’re doing. DH feels bad because she’s said ‘I’m on my own, I would have come.’ The thing is- he/I have asked her countless times on days out and each time it’s ‘I do my shopping then’. We can’t win!

Last week she ‘would have loved to’ come to the aquarium. The week before the zoo …

Part of me thinks though, you weren’t bloody invited! Surely we’re entitled to family time without feeling bad?!

OP posts:
itsjustbiology · 05/04/2025 14:01

I feel for you. I would suggest that you are telling her too much and you need her to be less involved. Just go do your things and keep things to yourself in future would be my advice. what she doesn't know cannot torment her or you !

JaninaDuszejko · 05/04/2025 14:04

Just say 'oh, we'll invite you next time' then do it and she'll probably make an excuse. It's not a big deal and you're reading too much into a stock phrase.

SiobhanSharpe · 05/04/2025 14:06

You've asked her to join you lots of times in the past and since she has been unable or unwilling to come on those occasions then obviously you've scaled back the invitations.
That's not unreasonable at all.
But going forward I would try resuming the invitations at least occasionally. Does she have a regular day or days when she is unavailable?

Goldyyup · 05/04/2025 14:10

Does she like her routines? So if she shops at a particular time she can't do anything else then?

Sounds like she doesn't mean what she is saying if she makes excuses not to go.

faerietales · 05/04/2025 14:11

I would stop answering the phone on family days out, for starters.

user31908734289 · 05/04/2025 14:12

Ha, I’m probably a bit like that - I like to be invited, but also don’t want to go anywhere. It’s a tricky conundrum!

Katkins17 · 05/04/2025 14:26

I really feel your pain op.

my mum in her 80’s, will only leave the house if with me.

I’ve tried to get her to go to coffee mornings and things for pensioners at our local community centre, but she refuses point blank, even though they have a facility to pick her up and drop her off again after.

when my Dad was alive he’d ferry her everywhere and at her every whim.

now, it’s only me and I take her out as much as I can… but I have my own busy business which is the sole household income at the moment and a young son.

I work 6 days a week so Sundays are my only day off and me, my partner and son always go out together, and we usually pop in to see her in the way home.

I’m always met with… ‘awww that sounds so nice, I’d love to do that…’
even if it’s just a coffee at Starbucks !!

I take her out twice a week but physically and mentally haven’t got time to take her out more.
And unless she makes the effort herself, why should I ???

Original poster
oaktree79 · 05/04/2025 19:03

SiobhanSharpe · 05/04/2025 14:06

You've asked her to join you lots of times in the past and since she has been unable or unwilling to come on those occasions then obviously you've scaled back the invitations.
That's not unreasonable at all.
But going forward I would try resuming the invitations at least occasionally. Does she have a regular day or days when she is unavailable?

Only the couple of days she works (DH is at work himself then anyway.) We do see her 2/3 times a week anyway, so I think her tagging along to everything would be a bit much even if she said yes.. or is that too harsh 🙃

OP posts:
Original poster
oaktree79 · 05/04/2025 19:04

@Katkins17That sounds tough on you, it seems your doing more than what’s fair though! You can’t really win, it feels like the more you do, the more is expected of you

OP posts:
Original poster
oaktree79 · 05/04/2025 19:05

faerietales · 05/04/2025 14:11

I would stop answering the phone on family days out, for starters.

I completely agree, this is a whole other issue though!

OP posts:
LillyPJ · 05/04/2025 19:09

It sounds like she doesn't really want to come with you but, for some reason, she likes to make you feel guilty. It might be unintentional on her part. Just carry on as you are and don't feel bad about it.

Spirallingdownwards · 05/04/2025 19:12

oaktree79 · 05/04/2025 19:03

Only the couple of days she works (DH is at work himself then anyway.) We do see her 2/3 times a week anyway, so I think her tagging along to everything would be a bit much even if she said yes.. or is that too harsh 🙃

Show quote history

2 or 3 times a week is more than enough!

waltzingparrot · 05/04/2025 19:15

Could you suggest that you'll have a family day out on the first weekend of every month? She can choose where and when. Could you cope with that once a month? If you want to invite her to anything you're doing on the other weeks,
you could do

diddl · 05/04/2025 19:42

Surely we’re entitled to family time without feeling bad?!

So stop feeling bad!

You didn't want her there as she wasn't invited as you say.

Lucyccfc68 · 05/04/2025 19:47

user31908734289 · 05/04/2025 14:12

Ha, I’m probably a bit like that - I like to be invited, but also don’t want to go anywhere. It’s a tricky conundrum!

It’s not a tricky conundrum, it’s a pain in the backside and very frustrating to have to deal with. I distance myself from people who do this and just don’t invite them anywhere.

Piffle11 · 05/04/2025 19:47

If you already see her 2 to 3 times a week, then you definitely need to stop feeling bad!!!

Mayflyoff · 05/04/2025 19:48

If she's invited, but says he can't come, does she still do the guilt trip thing? That would really annoy me and get a very abrupt, "you were invited, buy said you were going shopping".

needabiggerpatio · 05/04/2025 19:55

It's good to have time as a family alone. Seeing her once a week would be plenty; two or three times weekly is a lot. Definitely no need to feel guilty. I'd develop a few noncommittal responses to her comments and repeat as needed. Invite her only when you want to and try to let her reactions roll off your back.

Imbusytodaysorry · 05/04/2025 20:14

faerietales · 05/04/2025 14:11

I would stop answering the phone on family days out, for starters.

Yes!
Phone on silent

allthemiddlechildrenoftheworld · 05/04/2025 20:34

@oaktree79 sorry but you are not her entertainments coordinator. she does not get to go out with you on your rare treats as a family.!

Brainstorm23 · 05/04/2025 20:35

My mum is one of these people. It's annoying as hell. She's had the same routine for about 40 years and god forbid she doesn't get her hair washed on Saturday morning or so her cleaning on Monday or her shopping on Thursday morning.

She doesn't realise that her family are a lot busier than her (she's nearly 80) and if she wants to see us she'll have to wash her bloody hair another time.

OfficerChurlish · 05/04/2025 20:38

If she's just mentioning it (rather than going on and on about it), I'd ignore and go on with the conversation as normal. Of course you're not required to invite her every time. But if she's always busy when you ask AND says she wasn't busy when you didn't ask, could you try inviting her for a specific outing and letting her choose from multiple convenient times?

everythingeverything1981 · 05/04/2025 20:40

That sounds manipulative tbh. Be non committal, of yeah shame. You don't have to feel bad, fuck all to do with her.

Gassylady · 05/04/2025 20:46

How old is your MIL? You mention she is working

Original poster
oaktree79 · 05/04/2025 20:53

Gassylady · 05/04/2025 20:46

How old is your MIL? You mention she is working

She’s just turned 68, she works because she wants to, not for necessity (her words)

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