Self respect or cutting my nose off?

[BeatleBattleInABottle]

TL:DR: I was ghosted by friends after a disagreement. One wants to be friends again 5 years later. Should I?
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I'll start by saying I have no friends (I have tried!) and am really, really lonely which is skewing my thoughts.

5 years ago I was friends with Sue, Clare and Mavis. They were more friends than me but I felt like I'd finally found proper friends albeit a "lite version".

Mavis did something thoughtless to me publicly. It wasn't malicious but it was hurtful and embarrassing. I called her out on it privately. She shrugged it off and wouldn't acknowledge it or apologise. I didn't discuss it with Sue or Clare but Mavis would have done. I spoke with Clare and Sue about other things in that time. I left it a few weeks and then sent Mavis a joke she'd like. She replied with "Thanks".

Then I realised that 90% of the time it was me initiating the conversation with them. So I stopped. No drama or big announcement. I would have replied if someone contacted me. They never did. It still hurts so much.

In hindsight I can see that Clare might have felt implicated by Mavis but I didnt see it that way.

Clare and my sons have recently joined the same club and we had a chat. She sent me a chatty text afterwards and obviously wants to start a conversation again. I haven't replied yet. I'll reply in a friendly manner but I don't know whether to make it clear I don't want to be friends.

On the one hand I really, really want to be friends. I like her and miss her and Sue (and Mavis). On the other hand, she (they) have already shown me what they think of me haven't they?

YABU - are you 13? You want to be friends so don't hold a grudge.

YANBU - have some dignity and self respect. Be friendly but nothing more.

I said yanbu but in a nice way - you're not lacking in self respect for wanting friends girl

But I don't think that these are the ones for you. Just write a polite response answering any of her questions and wishing her well

Don't be sucked in by them, they've shown you who they are x

Anyone who is over 30 and still can't apologise goes in my friendship bin without much care. It's a them problem if they are "just too honest" to be even a tiny bit thoughtful and can't admit they might have offended someone and see why.

I would give Clare another chance. You never know, maybe she was not really fond of the others. Time to find out but keep it low key for a while until you know where you stand.

Honestly, it depends on the thing you did and why she wouldn’t apologise.

I think I'd just reply to her message with 'thanks'.

Clare sounds nice.

They may not have contacted you but you didn't contact them either. Clare probably thinks it's you that didn't want to know them.

If you wanna be friends then be friends.

I would respond in a friendly manner.
I wouldn't say anything about not wanting to be friends again.
But I would proceed in a sort of cautious way and see how things evolve. Don't just go along with everything she says but try to re establish the friendship on your terms.

I thought this too - you said you stopped contacting them. And after a while, even if you do think fondly of someone, enough time passes that you don’t just drop them a text as you think that time has gone. So she may well have been genuinely pleased to get back in touch with you. If you want to be friends, be friendly back, I would say.

Given that Mavis was your main problem at the time, I would proceed in a friendly way with Clare now and it might well come to something nice. Or not. Do you even know if she's still in contact with Sue and/or Mavis?

This is good advice.
I would carefully re-establish contact and see how it goes.
She has been the one to initiate this so it sounds like she’s interested in making some effort. If you’re likely to see her regularly because of your children then I’d just see how it plays out.
Don't do all the running but be open to possibilities!

What did Mavis do that was thoughtless?

I'm still friends with people after a few silly fallings out in the past. We don't make a habit of drama, but in a very long friendship these things occasionally happen.

If you expect perfection, you'll always end up disappointed. Look for patterns, not one off issues which can be forgiven and forgotten.

Yes, that would be handy to know to assess the situation properly.

You kind of ghosted them. There's always someone who is better at contact. Tbh if I hadn't heard from you in a while and you were the person who initiated contact I'd assume you weren't interested

I think you give it a chance but raise the subject very early on and expect an explanation/apology.
People grow up and change. Allow her to make amends, but if she doesn’t, you know where you stand and let her go.

Give a friendly one off reply that doesn’t invite more texting. You know had she not met you by chance at the club that you would never have heard from her because you hadn’t up till then.

If she persists in seeming to let bygones be bygones, you might find out that she has also been dropped from the group. That could mean she now fully appreciates how rotten it is to be dropped or it’s just that you will do now.

Cynical I know

Do you know if Clare is still close friends with the others? As in, could you meet up with just her for a quick coffee or something and test the water, see how you feel afterwards?

It would be useful to have a bit more context. Depending on what was actually said, do you think you could have been being oversensitive, or was it an obvious slight? As you say you find it difficult to make friends, do you think it’s possible you overreacted at the time, or that they found it hard to relate to why you were upset? Or does Mavis have form for coming out with blunt remarks and the other two are too timid to say anything against her?

I’d find it difficult if nobody acknowledged my hurt at the time and just wanted it all brushed under the rug and never discussed, because it suggests the friendships are so superficial and fragile they can’t withstand even a minor blip. It’d also suggest that nobody will acknowledge the ghosting, whichever way it went, and it depends if you feel you can just ignore the whole thing and move on for the sake of the bigger picture.

I'd be friendly when I saw Clare at the club but not rush into anything else. Whether she's still in touch with the others would be something I wanted to know

This is not a friendship this is a situationship.
You only connecting because of your sons -when they stop going will you disconnect?

I’d definitely reply to Clare and see what happens. You don’t have to give away too much but play it by ear.

After all, you’ve no idea what made-up shit Mavis might have told them or let them to believe and as far as Clare knows, you ghosted all of them.

In a group situation, individuals can often see who the fucker is but they’re also too afraid to say anything and rock the boat and risk having the fucker turn on them. 🤷🏻‍♀️

I would proceed cautiously, depending on what you're looking for from a potential friendship with Clare. It's perfectly fine to be warm and friendly when you see someone without wanting to be close friends.

I wouldn't want to get back in to the friendship group because you've already realised that the dynamics don't work for you.

Personally…

I have done a lot of thoughtless things in my life that have hurt people. Very rarely has this been intentional.

I like to think I’m good at apologizing these days but I certainly wasn’t when I was younger.

i wouldn’t “call out” someone for thoughtless behaviour. I’d think, I’ve done that kind of thing myself too many times. She almost certainly didn’t mean it.

and this isn’t even the person who upset you. It’s someone who was on the periphery.

I’d be polite and talk to her. Keep up her level of investment.

This is likely a convenience thing for her now that your boys share an activity.

I wouldn't be in any rush to reply, but pleasant when you meet.

Let her make all the effort.

Thanks all.

It's a good point that it was the situation that prompted Clare to contact me. If our boys hadn't ended up in the same club, she wouldn't have contacted me.

I guess if any of them wanted to contact me, they had 5 years. I stopped contacting them because I realised it was me chasing them all the time. I was desperate for someone to text me but no one did. No one even sent a "hi" text. It fucking hurt. It wasn't like I ignored them.

They'll all still be friends. They were friends before me and as I said they were all "friend friends" in a way I wasn't.

Mavis lives in her own bubble and is oblivious to the world which is why I know what she did wasn't malicious, just thoughtless.

I don't want to get into it but she embarrassed me publicly and let me down and I wasnt willing to pretend that was OK. When I say, I called her out, I sent a text along the lines of "you doing x has upset me and it wasn't fair how you did it". She essentially said "oh well". Roles reversed, even if I didn't think I was wrong, I'd acknowledge my friend's feelings.

Thank you for letting me think out loud. I think I'll keep my distance. No drama or fuss and I'll be friendly but I don't think they are my friends.