Contraception / Fertility and men

[MiserableMrsMopp]

I prevaricated over which topic to put this in, and was leaning towards feminism or relationships BUT thought AIBU would be interesting.

I am SICK to the back teeth of men claiming they've been tricked into fatherhood/pregnancy, while taking no responsibility for contraception.

All the old excuses, 'But she said she was on the pill', 'We're married. Should be able to trust her if she said she's using contraception.' etc etc etc.

If he took no part in the use of contraception, he only has himself to blame if a pregnancy happens.

It's selfishness, laziness, misogyny. They want all the benefits of sex without any of the responsibility and have the bare arsed gall to claim to have been unfairly treated when PIV results in a baby. Fuck. Off.

Don't want a baby. Condom or vasectomy.

Lying to a partner about contraception to have a child behind them is one the worse moral crime in existence.

Just like partners are expected to trust each other not to cheat, it is right they also don't lie about their contraception.

I therefore fully disagree with you in such instances. I agree with you when they don't ask about contraception and don't use any themselves.

I think if a man REALLY doesn’t want a baby, then he should be taking precautions himself and insisting on condoms etc. Even if he’s in a long term relationship/married. I know a couple who always used both condoms and the pill as they really didn’t want kids.

Why would you put the course of your life in another person’s hands, as mistakes can happen/pills can be missed?

In reality I think deep down most men don’t give much of a fuck if the woman ends up pregnant, because let’s be honest, they can leave if they want and won’t have to do the lions share of the work anyway, even if they stay. Which is why they are willing to risk this in order to have unprotected sex.

Should be able to trust her if she said she's using contraception.

This one goes without saying. Men should be able to trust a partner when she says she’s on the pill / has a coil just as women should be able to trust a man when when using a condom that he isn’t going to surreptitiously take it off.

If your partner said that he was going to abstain from sex or use a condom every time because he didn’t trust you not to lie about your own contraception, I can’t imagine you’d take that well.

Yes I can just imagine how well received it would be by women if their long term partners announced they were going to use condoms because they didn't trust that they weren't being lied to.

I never really thought about this but yes, I could see it causing problems.

But she'd have to get over herself and realise he's doing the responsible thing, if he doesn't want to father a child.

I was on the pill for years but I would also insist on condoms, if a man didn't like it he could easily find someone else to have sex with who doesn't mind dying of an AIDS related illness or contracting syphilis/gonorrhoea. I called them a filthy bastard if they suggested going without.

In a marriage, both spouses should be able to trust each other in every way including whether to use contraception or not. Obviously.

Sadly, MN is full of proof that spouses of all kinds are not trustworthy.

And lately, MN seems to be overflowing with terrible spouses. I hope that this is due to the 99% distortion whereby we only hear about the worst 1%.

There are no guarantees. Bring your own criteria and insist on them fully with no compromises, whatever it takes in all spheres, all arenas.

How??

I personally do have an issue with the idea that a human life that could survive and live a healthy life is deemed less important than the wishes of a man who doesn't want to be a father

This. A man who believes a casual partner when she says she’s on the pill is a fool. A man who believes his long term partner - well shouldn’t he be able to?

personally do have an issue with the idea that a human life that could survive and live a healthy life is deemed less important than the wishes of a man who doesn't want to be a father
That's a fair view, but assume you are then against abortion and have a similar poor view of women who choose it?

It's on both men and women to deal with contraception, if you don't want a baby then sort it out so you don't have one, for me that meant getting sterilised after my 4th baby because I knew full well I didn't want anymore, everyone should be responsible for themselves and not blame someone else when a pregnancy happens, men and women know how babies are made so both should take their own precautions, I wasn't going to rely on my husband getting a vasectomy because I didn't know how long that would take so I chose to deal with it myself for peace of mind

That’s not my view, that’s your view but about women