Long time lurker/commenter but first time poster. Looking for ideas to set and manage boundaries for DD10. Sorry for long post.
DD is demand avoidant and shows signs of struggling with anxiety (eg routines - started about 6m ago and growing in complexity and number of ways she uses them). No siblings. Things get pretty intense. We’re embarking on some talking therapy and will see how we go but in the meantime i am unsure what to do for the best with boundaries on screen time and am hoping for advice from others who have been in similar situations.
She has always used tv or screens as a key tool to regulate her emotions and equates screen time with relaxing. She has a bit of tv in the week and copes fine with relatively little - lots of clubs, glowing reports at school, but often flips at home perhaps shes masking during her school day and exhausted with it. At weekends she has time for gaming. There are ‘not before’ and ‘not after’ time limits but she will literally sit and clock watch and wait for screen time - or demand we entertain her or otherwise give her attention. She struggles with being alone. She is able to get over the boredom hump and will in the end choose to read, write, draw or craft but it is an exhaustingly stormy process. Every. Single. Time. I admit that DH and I (both work full time me wfh) also enjoy screen time as the only guaranteed peaceful time in the house.
Back to boundaries. We agree that 3 hours is a daily cap at weekends - 2 hours ish, more later after a break. It never goes like that though and its a constant battle. Getting her off the device without triggering rage is all but impossible and we are all on eggshells for an hour or so as she adjusts to the real world (back to demands we stop what we are doing to focus on her and refusal to join in any activities we float, all must be on her terms, she’ll argue its fine to put tv on straight after 2-3h of gaming etc). Boundaries are i think clear but daily things will go off the rails and all hell break loose. For example she decided to come straight home rather than take advantage of being allowed to stay out with her friends after school on a friday to play as she fancied screen time and reckoned she could swing it early even though she knows the house rule. When i said no - instant meltdown - violence - kicking and punching. 90 mins of it with me trying calm, sympathy, firmness, staying near but quiet or taking myself away - she just follows me and carries on. If i shut myself in a room she batters the door. If i try to restrain her from belting me she goes so hard we both end up hurt. She punched me while holding a pencil pointy end in her fist and accused me of stabbing her. There are violent outbursts several times a week. I’m covered in bruises and afraid that it is escalating as she gets older and stronger and more used to the buzz from types of punching. She recently punched me in the face. We bought her a specific teddy to batter and talked about it wanting to absorb her hurt and rage - she was all up for it but says it doesnt feel as good when she punches the teddy vs punching me. Not just me - her dad too - but it is worse i think with me. I think we are all utterly miserable tbh and at the end of our rope.
When she has lost it and smashed something we have in the past tried blanket bans eg for a month. She copes fine after the initial grief and life is so much better. It feels so obvious when i write it out - perhaps we should just be screen-free. But what - forever? She needs to learn how to manage it and be around stuff for us to have important conversations about safety etc. i feel that channels on hard stuff must be kept open - other tough things are ahead of us and we want to be engaging with each other on it. Homework, playing music, exploring interests and chatting with friends and family, all life points them there. Its a hobby of hers (gaming) that I’m fine with. She builds and designs and creates and roleplays its not just youtube. When she is really overwrought tv helps her instantly. Is there any alternative to taking these positives away? Is it cruel to take them away when she is battling anxiety? But we cant go on like this either and are so depleted the act of managing and holding any boundary more nuanced than a blanket ban feels overwhelming. Any ideas? Esp interested to hear from anyone with demand avoidant kids.
And thanks if you read this far x