To think it’s rude to answer a question with a question?

[YourRedFinch]

I’ve noticed that some people, instead of just answering a straightforward question, will respond with another question. For example:

Me: “What time are we meeting?”
Them: “What time do you think?”

Or worse, when you ask for advice and they just throw it back at you:

Me: “Should I take this job offer?”
Them: “Well, what do you want to do?”

I get that sometimes people do it to make you think, but most of the time, it just feels dismissive or like they can’t be bothered to engage properly.

AIBU to find it irritating and a bit rude? Or is it just normal conversation?

I think those are different to the OP's questions. They're answerable without further conversation. "Do you want" can only be answered by the one person.

Why do you think that?

I don’t want or expect to ‘control’ how someone answers and I definitely don’t expect anyone to make decisions for me. What I’m saying is that when the default reply to any question is to throw it back, it can feel like that person’s just not engaging meaningfully.

Of course someone might need more context before giving advice, that’s totally fair. But when it becomes a pattern of always responding with another question, it starts to feel less like curiosity and more like avoidance.

It’s not about dictating how people respond, it’s about craving conversations where people actually respond.

In your examples the person isn't answering your question with a question. They are asking you a supplementary question to gain more information from you prior to answering you. I wouldn't tell you what time we were meeting without asking your preferences. Nor would I tell you whether to take a job or not with asking what your thoughts were.

A clarifying question back interspersed with other statements is fine. Conversations that are question after question are often just sapping interrogations. With regards to the OP point, the repeated question back is often irritating and unhelpful.

My response is then 'please answer my question'.

Why?

I’d suggest you may be phrasing your questions incorrectly then.
You’re making them sound like you want someone to make a decision for you.
Try checking in without a question - I think we said we’d meet at 7. I’m really looking forward to it!

Some of it may be cultural. I think a typical English person is more likely to ask the first question, then tie themselves in knots trying to meet a time that isn't convenient for them, rather than say something direct like, '12pm' or even 'does 12pm work for you?'

The second is sometimes because society seems to have slid thoughtlessly into therapy-type speak and thought attitude and some people will think 'reflecting' a question back at you is what they should do. Although again, I suppose this is cultural. If you ask someone from Northern Europe, they're more likely to give you a straight-forward, honest answer.

FWIW, I do think it's annoying to answer a question with a question, unless there is a very clear need for a follow-up (i.e. you need clarity to give a proper answer).

But, if you haven't given them anything to go on to enable them to answer, then they need more information.

Eg my friend has recently gone through a difficult period at work. We are completely different people and, whilst it's worked out in her favour, she didn't go about any of it in the way I would have done.

If she'd just said to me, "What should I do?" And I'd told her what I would have done, it would have been very wrong advice for her.

It might have achieved the same outcome. It might not. And whose responsibility would that have been?

Most questions that are asking what I should do or what we should do require further clarification because the only person anyone can speak for is themselves.

In that case, I'd be structuring my questions to elicit the response I was looking for.

"What time are we meeting?" Well there are 24 hours in a day. Where do I start?!

So replace it with, "What time do you want to meet? I'm busy until 5 and need to be home by 9pm."

Because you've set your stall out first in both examples. So they only need to consider their response within those parameters rather than having to start with a blank page without any information from you.

or "I've been offered this job. X and Y are perfect for me but I'm a bit concerned about Z. What would you think about that?" gives a starting point for a conversation to springboard from.

I'd struggle to respond to either of the examples you gave without asking a question tbh.

I am like this with a couple of my more controlling friends because they will always end up choosing the time or place, so we might as well cut out the charade of a long conversation about it.

The job one is different. I would really hate to influence anyone when it comes to moving jobs, so I would just ask the questions to get them thinking about the pros and cons.

@YourRedFinch

>> I get that sometimes people do it to make you
>> think, but most of the time, it just feels
>> dismissive or like they can’t be bothered to
>> engage properly.
>> AIBU to find it irritating and a bit rude? Or is it
>> just normal conversation?

Or, maybe, just maybe, they are gauging what you already know or think or expect. Many of my friends and younger colleagues use me as a sounding board for their problems, dilemmas and relationship crises.

I like to know how deeply they are into finding their own way or what supportive answer they were "fishing" for.

OP a question about your own life is for you to answer. Nobody owes you a solution.

Urgh the only person I do this to, is my sister! Because she'll ask, what time do you want to meet up? I'll reply, 10-11am? She'll answer with, no way too early, what about 2pm? Then it goes backwards and forwards for an hour regarding location/itinerary/food/where to meet etc. I can't be bothered with the whole conversation via messenger. So I reply, what time you thinking? I reply to all her questions with, what do you want to do? Personally I'm not bothered about the logistics, I just want to meet up and catch up and let the cousins play together.

Are you asking for advice, or asking them to make the decision for you because you're not taking responsibility for yourself?
Or maybe they just don't care one way or another?

I am guilty of doing the first one. I get sick of being the one who remembers all the information on behalf of everyone, and sometimes I snap 🤣

I find it really annoying over WhatsApp or messenger, when the person could just scroll back up the chat to remind themselves of the arrangements rather than asking me to remind them. It gets on my nerves!

Do you now?

"To think it’s rude to answer a question with a question?"

Why do you think that?