To think it’s rude to answer a question with a question?

[YourRedFinch]

I’ve noticed that some people, instead of just answering a straightforward question, will respond with another question. For example:

Me: “What time are we meeting?”
Them: “What time do you think?”

Or worse, when you ask for advice and they just throw it back at you:

Me: “Should I take this job offer?”
Them: “Well, what do you want to do?”

I get that sometimes people do it to make you think, but most of the time, it just feels dismissive or like they can’t be bothered to engage properly.

AIBU to find it irritating and a bit rude? Or is it just normal conversation?

It needs to be done sometimes when someone keeps insisting on you making all the decisions/choices.
Make your own suggestion/mind up!

sometimes but those examples are just normal convo, the first they’re being polite and opening a discussion re meeting rather than just deciding it and the second one like with something like that most people are going to turn it back to you, it’s your life decision so they’re going to want to help you by asking your gut decisions, your initial thoughts etc

In both of those examples the question can make a lot of sense in a lot of contexts

Not sure. There’s an implied answer to the first question (ie “I don’t know”, or “I can’t tell you without further information”), so I don’t think the second question is rude or unreasonable (if that makes sense?).

Depends are they asking for input or dodging the question?

I asked my ex if he was drunk when he rang me unhinged he immediately turned it around on me demanding to know if I had been drinking threatening to call the police instantly put me on defence

This. OP are you a bit wet about making decisions?

It depends. If those examples are real instances then I can see why you're getting pushback.

What time are we meeting isn't the same as Do you have a preference on what time we meet?

Because the latter is considerate and the former is expecting them to do the legwork.

Asking someone if you should take the job is nonsense. You applied for it. Surely you know whether you want it or not. If there are things to weigh up, then present the facts and ask for an opinion.

Again, the former is putting the responsibility of decision making on to them the latter is using them as a sounding board to work through your own thought processes.

I do it now more and more.

I find people who like to manipulate you do this a lot and I’ve started mirroring their behavior.

What time are we meeting?

"7"

but I'm at work then.

Ok 9.

no, I'm busy then.

Or, you could have a conversation like a normal person.

All depends on tone and context. If it's passive aggressive, then yes, it's rude.

Yes.

What time do you want to meet? I can't do X or Y

is very different to a broad and open ended question which requires them to do all the thinking and make a unilateral decision for both of you.

Not if it’s a rude question in the first place.

As others have said, it depends on the context. Is this face to face or messaging? If we’ve already agreed a time, I expect you to remember it, or to scroll back up the chat. And, honestly, I think that accepting a job offer is something you need to figure out for yourself. I don’t mind listening while you talk through the pros and cons, but a bald question like that I’m probably going to just mirror back at you.

It can depend on the context.

But in your examples it looks like 'Me' is trying to get 'Them' to do all the thinking. Understandably, 'Them' is pushing back.

My MIL does this sometimes. 'Shall I wear a coat?' I don't fucking know Janice, check the weather and decide for yourself!

Not at all - I make decisions all day long. But asking question doesn’t automatically mean I’m deferring responsibility. Sometimes it’s just a request for clarity, timing, or support - not an existential crisis.

It’s the tone and pattern that gets frustrating. When someone consistently answers genuine questions with a question, it can feel like they’re avoiding the conversation or putting the effort back on you.

Also, in your second question, the person is information gathering. They probably are going to answer the question, but your feelings are relevant to their answer.

Should I take the job?

"Well, it's more money but I won't see my kids 6 months a year because I'll be in Dubai".

"It's crap money but I get to live in a castle"

"Not sure, it's hard work but there's guaranteed job progression"

The person will then go forward based on that information.

More than that, why do you get to determine how someone answers and that and that they make all the decisions?

This sounds like you're the one who is struggling with conversation, not them.

That’s fair and I agree that asking someone to make a decision for you is very different from asking them to help you think it through. But my post wasn’t about avoiding responsibility - it was about how it feels when someone routinely throws a question back instead of engaging.

Sometimes I’m asking for practical info (like timing) and sometimes I’m looking for a second opinion. And in those moments, getting a vague or reflective question in return can feel like they’re not really present or like I’m being nudged to do all the emotional legwork and the decision-making.

It’s not that I can’t make decisions - it’s that a genuine conversation should go both ways.

The irony. Some people ask questions because they don't want to make the decisions themselves.

Annoyingly frequent conversation in this house is DH asking me what I want for you supper. If he even made a suggestion it would help the conversation!

Totally get that and I don’t think it’s unreasonable to expect people to remember an agreed time or expect me to make my own decisions. I’m not outsourcing responsibility.

But sometimes, asking ‘What time are we meeting?’ isn’t because I’ve forgotten, it’s just part of a casual check-in or wanting to confirm. And when I say something like, ‘Should I take the job?’ I don’t literally mean ‘Please decide for me.’ It’s a way of opening up a conversation, sharing a dilemma and sometimes hoping for insight, not a mirror.

It’s more about how it lands when people constantly deflect with questions. It can feel like they’re emotionally unavailable or unwilling to engage, especially when it becomes a pattern.

My teenager does this all the time and it drives me fucking demented.
Do you want a drink?
Are you having one?

Are you seeing friend later?
Why, do you have plans?

Do you still want to go out on Saturday?
Do you want to?

Etc etc etfuckingc.

Well, if you’re regularly getting this from a specific person or people, I would see it as them finding your question irritating for some reason, hence batting it back.

Dh will ask me what we should do/eat/where to go.

I'll provide answers and he'll say no , don't fancy it. 🥴 So I then have to pick apart what he actually wants to do by asking questions. Whereas if I say "what should we do", I'm actually asking because I haven't got any opinion and happy to eat/do whatever.

it was about how it feels when someone routinely throws a question back instead of engaging

Asking a question back is engaging! Seeking clarity, finding out what it is you’re really after - do you want talking INTO or OUT OF that job, for example.

I think you're right that it can be a way of making the other person take on the responsibility and put in the effort. Sometimes that is appropriate and sometimes not.

In your first example I'd maybe be annoyed because if I've asked the other person what time we should meet, I am genuinely asking them and letting them pick what suits them best. On the other hand I get that some people are used to being deferential or nervous of seeming entitled and therefore always want the other person to state their own preference / availability first. I have been guilty of that myself so try to be understanding of that reaction in others.

In the second example I wouldn't be annoyed at all as it is not appropriate for another person to tell me whether to take a job. The original question is a bad one. It's fine to ask what the other person thinks about the possible job or if they have any advice, but trying to push them into a yes / no answer on a job smacks of deferring responsibility. I also notice that some people seem eager to corner me into giving advice but then complain if they follow my advice and it turns out badly. I therefore avoid giving advice where I can.

A final point I'd make is it all depends on context because a lot of people don't actually mean what they say. Some people ask a question wanting an answer and are interested to listen to and respect your perspective, whether they go with what you say or not. Other people ask questions as a sort of weird conversational power play - to try to force you to agree with them or conversely to make you look stupid by forcing you to say something that they will then get to complain about or attack. Then again other people don't want to know your answer really / already know what they want to do but they're just asking you out of politeness or because they're not confident enough in their own view. It really depends on the intention and situation.