To expect my son who lives in New Zealand to facetime regularly

[CloudBuster66]

First time posting and a bit nervous but ...
having read the poster who was wanting her son to come to Friday night takeaway every month and reading the replies made me think:
Situation is I have 2 x DS, both have lived in the antipodes for the past 8 years. Don't have any other children.

Due to Covid we didn't see them for 5 years, and in the past 3 years have seen them once each for visits here, and then both at once when DH and I went for a month's holiday last year.
DS1 was challenging in his late teens and early 20s but turned his life around whilst working abroad for several years before returning and then emigrating 8 years ago. He gave me (not DH, he is very laid back) a lot of headaches when he was younger and at one point moved out and did not speak to us for a year - though the door was always open for him.

Now DS1 is fully settled with a girlfriend and good job, 12000 miles away. He is not one for talking much but seemed to enjoy our visit last year.

We have a WhatsApp group for the 4 of us (DH, me, DS1 and DS2) which he engages with some of the time. DS2 has always face timed us up to several times a week, wherever he is in the world, but we have to cajole DS1 into speaking or facetiming us, it is usually reserved for major life events.

AIBU to write him a long letter saying I am sorry if I did anything wrong in the past and asking him if he could phone us more often?

DH and I had DS1 quite (not very) young, and we have always treated him and DS2 both the same and they say they had a happy childhood.

I do not want to emotionally blackmail DS1, but I miss them both so much all the time. I don't want to complain because I have friends in worse positions who don't have children around any more or don't communicate with them so I try to be optimistic. My DH is lovely and we have a close extended family and plenty of friends. But with DS1 being so settled so far away (DS2 is coming to live back in the UK for a bit soon), I am worried about him becoming a stranger due to his lack of communication. When we do speak to him he does not give much away and says our conversation is boring if we have nothing noteworthy to report.
(I am also concerned about never seeing any prospective grandchildren and them not knowing who we are, but that is another worry for the future).

But telling him she misses him and "scheduling" a regular family call is applying a huge amount of pressure! He will cringe, tbh.

I feel sad for you, id hate it but I don’t think you can change him. I think the family zoom call is a good idea 💐

As DS2 is coming home soon, why don’t you ask him what he thinks best way of improving communication might be. Or it leaving it as is works better.

I was your son although thank god Skype was in its infancy when I lived in NZ. You've alluded to a difficult childhood - what do you think you might need to apologise for? I had the best time ever living in NZ and not having to engage with my family. You don't speak about your son very kindly despite saying you miss him. It sounds like you feel quite angry or disappointed in him and he probably knows this. How do you think you would feel if someone wrote to you demanding a regular video call? I've been back in the UK for years and still loathe talking to my mum on the phone - the time difference was not too blame, our horribly strained relationship was/is.

I lived in Australia for ten years in my late twenties early thirties. I’m close to my parents and siblings but the whole keeping in contact was hard. The time difference is a challenge of course but what happens is that you lose the knowledge about one another’s lives that is what binds you together. Politics are not the same, news, not the same, weather, even seasons.

You stop telling people twelve thousand miles away that you didn’t get that job because they don’t know that the commute would have been harder or that you are going to Dave’s third wedding because they don’t know him. You don’t ask them what colour sofa they think would be better in your living room or what to plant in the garden because they have never been to your house.

So you run out of things to talk about because your points of reference and your shared histories become further and further apart.

My MIL doesn’t realise phones work in two directions either.
she also thinks you have to schedule them which I find really weird. Ring and if they’re free they’ll answer, if busy they won’t and you’ll both have to try again later

OP I have a son in Oz and I feel your pain . I miss him so much ,we do have a good relationship but he is not a great communicator 🤦‍♀️
I personally hate FaceTime so we just chat on Wattsapp and have a long conversation,but it is very hit and miss .
Sometimes 2-3 times a month or a whole month can go by .
We have a WattsApp group with son,other 2 siblings which actually works quite well.
This kind of engages Oz son but in a non pressing way ie Other son at Japanese Grand Prix and has been in the pits so has awesome pics that he has shared this has really engaged Oz son and there is a lot of banter between the siblings this morning.
It really is hard but I take the view that if being in Oz is his happy place ,then I am happy .

Just because someone lives on other side of the world does not mean there is a problem with family!
The lifestyle job,climate,nature and having lots of other friends who have made the move are big motivators.
I lived in Oz in my 20s and adored my parents but I was living the dream,my son there now and likewise.

I think YABU, OP. And, for me, the advice to write the letter and call once a month would still come across as another thing I'd have to add to my 'to do' list, which I wouldn't appreciate. I appreciate the time difference makes things a bit difficult, especially when you factor in shift work, but I think shorter, unplanned calls would be less pressure and may help build up to wanting to chat more. Can you call ad hoc and just have a one minute, 'hi, I was just thinking of you, what was your day like today etc' type of brief call?

I am your son in theory.
My folks immigrated to the UK when I was in my early twenties. I followed but never really settled. I moved back to our home country after 6 years.
I am not a demonstrative communicator by nature and so our relationship isn’t that of a ‘normal’ family. I don’t call often and dont have much to say because I’ve always been that way and the distance made that harder. It’s just much easier to have a relationship in person.
My siblings stayed in the UK with my parents and now after 20 years my parents have moved back to our home country. Our relationship is still very ‘bland’ and I feel like they don’t really know me very well because of all the years they have missed. There isn’t a lack of love or care just mismatched communication styles and time and distance have created another kind of relationship.

Unfortunately although technology has aided families in maintaining contact over distance there is no doubt that there are drawbacks to intercontinental living arrangements. These are not often considered before people pack up and leave but they are just a reality.

Did you miss the part where the DS didn’t speak to his parents at all for a year?

This isn’t just a case of a child emigrating overseas - the relationship was difficult and strained beforehand.

This sticks out to me: 'DS1 was challenging in his late teens and early 20s but turned his life around whilst working abroad for several years before returning and then emigrating 8 years ago. He gave me (not DH, he is very laid back) a lot of headaches when he was younger and at one point moved out and did not speak to us for a year - though the door was always open for him.'

I wonder what he'd say about this.

My mother would say similar about me. I was a nightmare teen, gave her headaches, out of control, etc. Then also sort of 'turned my life around'. And also didn't speak to them. Just not a year, but 5 years in my case.

I see it VERY differently. There was a reason why I was a nightmare, why I moved to another country, why I didn't speak with them for 5 years. They - my parents - are definitely not blameless, far from it.

We patched it up (sort of) after those 5 years. Sometimes it's ok, but sometimes all the memories come out to the surface for me. I do contact them from time to time, but mostly out of...duty? Inertia? Because the truth is, I don't care how they are, not really. They'll die one day and there won't be any need for this contact anymore. I don't feel sad about it. Relieved, more like.

Obviously, your situation sounds very different. But you know better than people commenting here, if there are things you should apologize for. If there are - write that letter. My mother never apologized or admitted any wrongdoing on her part. I would have really appreciated it when I was your son's age. Now I'm older and don't care anymore, her excuses wouldn't change anything.

Thank you @theresbeautyinwindysun that's such a lovely idea to make it a more casual letter and not such a big deal, hopefully that may work.

I know as others have said that he doesn't owe us anything etc etc and I am not asking for a strictly regular phone call, just every month or so would be nice. We are a close family but he's just not a very talkative person really.

This sounds very like our kind of family communication.

I think a lot of people have picked up on DS1 having been a difficult teenager and feel the relationship is a lot worse than it is, unfairly IMO.

It’s not just a difficult teenage relationship though is it - he didn’t speak to either of you for a year. That’s pretty extreme and not something that happens lightly.

It sounds like you feel you’re closer than you are. A son who was close to his family would call and get in touch without needing to be prompted.

My son lives 10 miles from me and we don't see or speak to each other one month to the next, no falling out or issues it's just how we are. We love each other but have our own lives. Myself and my mother (nana) are his only living relatives but it's just how it is. We don't have much in common but we are always there for each other if needed. I do worry about the future when I'm old and need help but will have to cross that bridge then.

It it makes you feel better, you probably hear more from your DS who lives on the other side of the world, than my parents who hear from my brother who is 10 minutes away!

”Im sorry if I did anything wrong in the past” - you probably did as all parents make mistakes. How your son sees it is a different matter. Every time there’s a mention of the past with my mum she always says - I know I was a bad mother and starts crying 🙄 I told her - if you’re apologising for something specific that’s fine let’s talk about it, otherwise you just sound dramatic and it’s all pointless. I hate it when she does it. If you want to apologise to your son for specific actions then it’s better to do it face to face, saying - I’m sorry if I did anything wrong isn’t really apologising or understanding your mistakes.
Ive lived abroad 20 years and since the internet we talk 5 times a week but we’re all in Europe (I don’t work and have children and she’s retired). My brother calls her once a month or less, she always complains about it but it really isn’t his thing to call frequently.