Boundaries around mood killing

[OrangeChips1]

If you're having a nice time with family and your partner kills the mood by "seeing something" and starting a conversation on something he wants me do differently from now on what boundaries would you set? How would you respond in the moment and how would you process the situation afterwards for yourself?

I've tried to partake in a conversation explaining why I am doing xyz to which HE says I'M killing the mood and should bring it up in the evening when kids are in bed if I disagree. So I'm expected to just take this "feedback" with no questions asked.

I've tried asking him to bring the stuff up in the evening when kids are in bed in the first place but he doesn't seem to be able to hold it in. My reasoning being
a) it's unfair to ask me to just hear something and have no opinion on it in the moment
b) it's weird for our kids to see me receive "feedback" and have no reply
c) it's healthy for our kids to see a conversation such as "ah I see what you mean, from your perspective ABC. The thing is I was thinking xyz. What do you think?

I am not sure what else to do. We just had a big row about it where we made a few suggestions (he thinks he needs therapy for example as this is how his dad spoke to his mum and he's perpetuating the pattern) but just wanted to get outside perspectives on what I should focus on.

Oops I meant to post this on relationships....please ignore the poll as I haven't asked an "AIBU" style qun.

He DOES need therapy. Encourage that. He sounds dominating, controlling and misogynistic and like you’ve tried to set boundaries he’s not respecting.

Remind him and yourself you are an adult, with free will and don’t have to stick around to be treated like a lesser being

Exactly what @AnotherNaCha said

What kind of things is it? Is it something similar repeatedly that you could discuss together and work out a strategy for?
My DP can be similar and sadly I have not worked out the solution - I think if you acknowledge what he says then he should be able to listen to your reply. I think this is where I go wrong at times in that I I guess justify my position and he thinks I am not listening.

I don't understand why can’t he wait until the kids are in bed and then you can both have an actual adult conversation?

I do, frequently

This week it happened 3 times and each time was a different thing that hadn't come up before...in all fairness I don't respond by "hearing him" first, mainly due to being annoyed he's done it again

I don't know either and this is what angers me. Especially when it's just before or just after work so the only interaction we have all day

Can you give an example of what you mean?

I don't 100% understand the conversations he's starting but I recently saw something good on boundaries which is an appropriate boundary can only describe what YOU will do, it cannot require action from someone else.

So for example, you may say "if you come home from work and start to give me feedback during the family meal time I will leave the table. You can then raise it with me after the children are in bed".

He would then be responsible for his behaviour although I accept it will not be pleasant the first time.

Depends what he's saying. It sounds like he's giving you instructions and doesn't broach back talk.

Narcissists love to spoil ocasions, it’s one of their hobbies.

Well then you’re just showing him you’re willing to tolerate it