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Original poster

How to stop caring about others opinions of me (MIL & SIL)

21 replies

Crocomum2022 · 04/04/2025 21:36

Hi. Firstly DH and I love each other 2 years married.
Relationship with MIL and SIL has gotten harder especially after DD was born (10 months ago).
They want to know what’s going on with me DH and DD all the time but they never share what they’re doing in their life they say ‘they’re private’.
SIL can do no wrong in MILs eyes it feels like they are loyal to each other rather than loyal to us all as a family. SIL involves herself in my relationship with DH, involves herself in relationship with me and MIL and with DH. This is a big problem for me. When I first got married SIL didn’t like me ‘taking’ DH away and now I’m a mother they excused me of ‘snatching’ DD away from MIL when DD only wants me at times.
SIL and MIL are don’t have friends or close family’s FIL is around but might as well not be.
I don’t like them and I feel like they can’t be bothered with me and only want DD. DH has seen this for himself and has created a boundary of communication distancing them to protect me. I don’t want him to never be with his family or break them up. I’m a big believer in karma I don’t intend to break up a family as I feel like that will come back on me. However I know SIL and MIL will be in my life forever I just don’t want to care about them or let them make me feel shit about myself which they do. I’ve done counselling, opened up to my family, DH and other support but nothing helps I hate them so much and I hate how they make me feel

OP posts:
MoreChocPls · 05/04/2025 06:28

If your dh doesn’t bother with them, why are you?

Tourmalines · 05/04/2025 06:36

Not much to say really . You hate them . They probably know that . You reckon they can’t be bothered with you . So let your husband see them without you .

PivotPivotmakingmargaritas · 05/04/2025 06:40

Highly recommend the book Let Them by Mel Robbins

Otherwise if your husband has set a boundary he obviously knows what they are like so let him take DD to see them and have an afternoon to yourself once a month

Maddy70 · 05/04/2025 06:43

You don't like them ....
They are your husband's family he does like them. Of course they are involved in each others lives
When you see them be polite but otherwise leave your DH to them. You're overthinking their comments and actions because you don't like them and making an issue where perhaps there isn't one maybe taking their comments too critically where If you liked them you wouldn't take it that way ?

ohcrikeynotagain · 05/04/2025 08:21

Stop telling them stuff. If they ask say you don't know, haven't made your mind up, haven't decided etc etc.

Let your DH facilitate contact; make sure he knows you don't want him to impart information/gossip about you whilst you aren't there and for him to be non commital. Don't visit if you don't want to - let him take your DD. Take a step back

thepariscrimefiles · 05/04/2025 08:48

So they want to keep their lives private but insist on interfering in every aspect of your life? You don't need to accept this. Just pull right back and stop seeing them. If they can't be kind and civil to the mother of their grandchild/niece, they don't deserve to have a relationship with you. Karma isn't real either. Otherwise awful things would happen to bad people but they don't.

Don't be afraid to stand up for yourself.

booksandbakinglover · 05/04/2025 08:53

Cutting or limiting ties with toxic people who are making you unhappy will not bring you bad karma and it doesn’t make you a bad person either

BarneyRonson · 05/04/2025 08:56

You are a big believer in karma. Therefore you believe these people you hate are your karma. How do you work with your karma? Run away from it?

Ayeayeaye25 · 05/04/2025 09:03

Take a step back, be unavailable and re establish boundaries.

Say to MIL if they phone, text or call round unannounced sorry today tomorrow isn’t convenient (don’t elaborate). If they insist either say we or DH will contact you about when is a good time and this is how things will be going forward. end of.

GaspingGekko · 05/04/2025 09:57

I’m a big believer in karma I don’t intend to break up a family as I feel like that will come back on me.

Honestly OP this is quite overly dramatic. You do not have to be involved in their lives and relationships. Stepping back from them is not breaking up a family.
I quite like my ILs, but I have very little relationships or interaction with them that's not through my DH. He contacts them, arranges visits to and from them. Don't fall into the trap I see here all of the time, of presuming that being a woman means you have to run your DHs relationship with his family.

Swiftie1878 · 05/04/2025 10:23

You hate them. So leave all of his family stuff to DH. He can take DD to see them etc, and you just stay out of the picture.
If they ask why, say you like your own space and ‘privacy’.

SedumRoof · 05/04/2025 10:27

GaspingGekko · 05/04/2025 09:57

I’m a big believer in karma I don’t intend to break up a family as I feel like that will come back on me.

Honestly OP this is quite overly dramatic. You do not have to be involved in their lives and relationships. Stepping back from them is not breaking up a family.
I quite like my ILs, but I have very little relationships or interaction with them that's not through my DH. He contacts them, arranges visits to and from them. Don't fall into the trap I see here all of the time, of presuming that being a woman means you have to run your DHs relationship with his family.

Exactly this. I’m fond of my PIL, despite the fact they’ve never hidden that they would have much preferred DH to marry the girlfriend before me, and I like two of my SILs, but I’m not in contact with them at all, or very rarely. They’re DH’s family. He communicates with them and arranges visits, events etc. Just pivot so that they communicate with your DH rather than you. No drama needed. And so what if they don’t like you? You don’t like them, and presumably wouldn’t have chosen either as friends had you not married your DH.

Original poster
Crocomum2022 · 05/04/2025 11:36

I live with SIL so it can be challenging on a daily occurrence. It’s a temporary situation we are living once I go back to work after MAT leave to help with finances.
But everyday I find it difficult to move on from the comments they have said about me and how they make me feel then they are all I’ve DD.
i can’t wait for a new environment to feel a bit of distance and then maybe our relationships have a chance to improve with distance and time

OP posts:
Swiftie1878 · 05/04/2025 11:41

Crocomum2022 · 05/04/2025 11:36

I live with SIL so it can be challenging on a daily occurrence. It’s a temporary situation we are living once I go back to work after MAT leave to help with finances.
But everyday I find it difficult to move on from the comments they have said about me and how they make me feel then they are all I’ve DD.
i can’t wait for a new environment to feel a bit of distance and then maybe our relationships have a chance to improve with distance and time

Oh my goodness.

Original poster
Crocomum2022 · 05/04/2025 11:58

Swiftie1878 · 05/04/2025 11:41

Oh my goodness.

Show quote history

As soon as I say this I get judgement from a lot of people.

my original post came from a from of genuine intentions to ask how people have been able to move forwards in their life

OP posts:
PivotPivotmakingmargaritas · 05/04/2025 12:58

Well that’s a drip feed and a bit harder to deal with… you need to move out

Even to a 1 bedroom and DD in the bedroom and you and DH in the living room and would be better for your mental health

Nanny0gg · 05/04/2025 13:01

That was pretty relevant!

clinellwipe · 05/04/2025 13:30

This is practically identical situation to mine. MIL very much wants to know ins and outs of our marriage. She is a very intelligent woman (divorce solicitor!) and is very curious by nature, but it comes across as an interrogation. She also doesn’t give anything away about herself. Multiple times she’s phoned up DH to ‘discuss’ me as she doesn’t understand why I pulled away after DS was born (lots of boundaries were crossed, toxic behaviour etc).

I don’t like my in-laws but , stupidly, I really struggle with knowing they don’t like me either. Will be following this thread with interest!

Original poster
Crocomum2022 · 05/04/2025 13:37

Thank you for sharing that. It is a struggle to live with and the elephant in the room between DH and I. I want to be a good person and protect DD from it all. I wish I could raise my head above it all and live solely focused on DD and DH but the outside noise is so loud and affects us

OP posts:
Tourmalines · 05/04/2025 22:04

Yea , that information was so relevant . You hate her but you are living in her house . So move out ! That’s how you go forward .

LaurieFairyCake · 06/04/2025 10:01

The obvious answer is stop living with her. No one should live with someone who disrespects or is rude to them.

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