To move near my DM

Happyharper · 2025-04-04T16:26:55+00:00

I have a 9 months DS currently living in a one bed flat and desperate to move ASAP. We live in a lovely area and have an offer on a great house near by. We have no other ties to the area apart from living here the past few years and enjoying it. My DM in a widow in her late 60s and loves her GC. She's agreed to take DS one day a week once i go back to work and has often said would like to do more and school pick ups etc. But it's 75 mins away - door to door. We see her once a week as I'm currently on mat leave. Dm lives in a more expensive area and our budget would stretch to something less nice in a less nice area (fine - just a bit boring) which would be around 20 mins away. I'm v keen to move closer for childcare and to look after her in her old age but my DH thinks it's a mistake as we don't like the area as much and we're happy here (we'd also be half an hour closer to his family). Both easy commutes to work. What should i do? YABU - stay put you are happy here and find other childcare options. YANBU - move to be closer to family.

stayathomegardener · 04/04/2025 17:33

Your Mum could always elect to move closer to you to see her grandchild more frequently.

Original poster

Happyharper · 04/04/2025 17:38

Sorry to add my DM won't move closer as she has lots of friends and roots where she lives currently plus memories of my DF. She's not asking me to move closer it would just be great to have the extra help as DH works long hours.

OP posts:

Facecream24 · 04/04/2025 17:55

I think if your DH doesn’t want to move it’s a no go anyway but I don’t think you should move just for childcare. What if your mum changes her mind or does things you don’t like? What if, god forbid, something happens to her and then your whole reason for moving is gone. I’d only move to an area where I wanted to actually live in the area and it sounds like you don’t given you call it boring.

Original poster

Happyharper · 04/04/2025 18:01

@Facecream24 Thank you for your thoughts. DH is willing to move but would rather stay where we are.
I guess it's not only for childcare but also so DM can have a close relationship with DS and I can see her more. Our relationship has improved so much since having a baby I feel like I want to be closer to her to keep her company too. My DF death has been so hard on her she'd love to be near by so we can spend more time together. It's made me reevaluate things and it feels crazy not to live close by when we could.

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BakelikeBertha · 04/04/2025 18:28

I think it's lovely that you want to move closer to your Mum OP. Ok, it may not be quite such a nice area, but you've said it's alright, and the benefits to you, your child and your Mum could prove to outweigh the benefits of the area not being as nice as where you are now. I know in your DM's shoes, I would love it if my daughter moved closer in order to facilitate a better relationship with both her and her child.

ginasevern · 04/04/2025 18:36

OP, your mum is in her late sixties and I know through experience how your health and energy can decline at that age. I'm 68 and have suddenly started to get all sorts of "niggles" that I never thought I'd suffer. She may seem very active with friends and hobbies etc but looking after a young child is a very different matter. I personally wouldn't move with the expectation of too many years of childcare ahead. It might work out, but it may very well not. Your DH isn't keen on the idea and, putting it kindly, his reasons might not just be about the area. He might start to resent you for the move. I should think rather long and hard about this.

Scottishskifun · 04/04/2025 18:41

It's fine to want to move but I would look at next 6 years - what are the schools like in the new catchment you would be in? Are they better or worse then the area your currently in?

Would your mum be prepared to give up that much time to be regular childcare? Reality versus what is said is very different. Seen many friends left scrabbling when GP childcare reality of looking after young children kicks in.

I think maybe research it a bit more before making any quick decisions.

CurlyhairedAssassin · 04/04/2025 18:41

Stay put if the area you are in now is more suitable for all your family. Presumably your DM is retired, whereas you have a whole working life ahead of you and you MUST go where it would suit you best for that.

You're feeling like you want to be closer to your mum as you're on mat leave and feel like you have more spare time to spend with her. But if you go back to work life will get really busy again, and there will come a stage where weekends will be eaten up by kids birthday parties, hobbies and sports etc. You'll have little free time to spend with your mum anyway. I do think that grandparents should understand this and prepare for that happening. . They can't expect adult children to upend their lives and move closer just because it suits them. It also has to suit the adult children and grandchildren.

CurlyhairedAssassin · 04/04/2025 18:44

ginasevern · 04/04/2025 18:36

OP, your mum is in her late sixties and I know through experience how your health and energy can decline at that age. I'm 68 and have suddenly started to get all sorts of "niggles" that I never thought I'd suffer. She may seem very active with friends and hobbies etc but looking after a young child is a very different matter. I personally wouldn't move with the expectation of too many years of childcare ahead. It might work out, but it may very well not. Your DH isn't keen on the idea and, putting it kindly, his reasons might not just be about the area. He might start to resent you for the move. I should think rather long and hard about this.

Yeah, this.

Original poster

Happyharper · 04/04/2025 18:44

@ginasevern thank you so much for your input. She is getting older and more tired so a 20 min commute would be much easier than 1 hour 20 to see us . But i do agree - i guess my logic is that it would nice to be easier to look after her when she needs it if we are nearer.

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CurlyhairedAssassin · 04/04/2025 18:59

Happyharper · 04/04/2025 18:44

@ginasevern thank you so much for your input. She is getting older and more tired so a 20 min commute would be much easier than 1 hour 20 to see us . But i do agree - i guess my logic is that it would nice to be easier to look after her when she needs it if we are nearer.

Look after her in what way? Become her carer eventually? Or just helping her out with household jobs, cleaning, gardening? You'll have your own to do, and a busy life. Think really hard about whether you will have time to do that or whether it would be better to help her arrange a cleaner, gardener etc when the time comes.

If she needs more doing for her than that then tha'ts the point where a daily visit from a paid carer to prepare a meal etc would be useful. And that it could be a case of thinking about moving into sheltered accommodation, maybe near to you so that it would be easier for you to visit her.

Modern life is so expensive for families with high housing costs etc. It's not like way back when it was easier and more affordable to work part time and be an unpaid carer for a family member - maybe you had your own children younger too so by the time your parents were old enough to need your practical help there was less a pull on your time.

I've seen so many colleagues having near nervous breakdowns trying to hold down full time jobs, be there for teenage children and also be a carer for their elderly relative. It's not a pleasant position to be in.

Original poster

Happyharper · 04/04/2025 19:04

This is so helpful - thanks all! Every mum my age (late 30s) has said how amazing it is living near their parents with LOs but it's great to hear some other perspectives on the situation.

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StartAnew · 04/04/2025 19:12

CurlyhairedAssassin · 04/04/2025 18:41

Stay put if the area you are in now is more suitable for all your family. Presumably your DM is retired, whereas you have a whole working life ahead of you and you MUST go where it would suit you best for that.

You're feeling like you want to be closer to your mum as you're on mat leave and feel like you have more spare time to spend with her. But if you go back to work life will get really busy again, and there will come a stage where weekends will be eaten up by kids birthday parties, hobbies and sports etc. You'll have little free time to spend with your mum anyway. I do think that grandparents should understand this and prepare for that happening. . They can't expect adult children to upend their lives and move closer just because it suits them. It also has to suit the adult children and grandchildren.

I think OP says that the wish to move comes from her, not her mum.

junebirthdaygirl · 04/04/2025 19:15

I am nearer your mums age..64. I have a lot of retired friends who go to the city to care for gc for 2 two nights a week. So they go up Sunday evening stay until after work Tuesday and come home. It means cheaper childcare but it also means everyone continues their own life for the rest of the week. They have dinner with family/ put gc to bed etc but no responsibility after Tues. Could something like that work?

Original poster

Happyharper · 04/04/2025 19:34

@junebirthdaygirl yes it could do! I was thinking i could take DS to stay over a day a week when he's in nursery to save my mum from the journey but i think that will be short lived if we have another baby and once he goes to school.

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CurlyhairedAssassin · 06/04/2025 12:10

StartAnew · 04/04/2025 19:12

I think OP says that the wish to move comes from her, not her mum.

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I know but I think that is mainly because, being on maternity leave, she has more free time, probably more time alone, and there is definitely a pull towards your mum when you have a young baby. That changes as life gets busier when working and having school age children mean you are pulled all over the place.