It's acceptable to accept an apology but not want contact?

[ARichtGoodDram]

My siblings and I had a rough childhood. I'm the youngest of 4, and I'm younger by quite a way - my siblings are 7, 8 and 9 years older. I was (as my father regularly said) the accident.

Siblings had a decent life to start with, but then my parents became alcoholics, then drug addicts. I had a shit start, but was 7 when we were removed by our grandparents when they discovered how bad it had become. Although my father regularly harassed us it was a relatively safe life from then.

We've all dealt with things very differently. I had therapy during my first pregnancy as I realised how difficult it was. My elder brother, unfortunately, followed my parents path and I cut contact with him 8 years ago after he assaulted me on my doorstep for housing his wife and children after he got drunk and assaulted them. Various other things have happened over the years to cement my decision.

My other two siblings were told by the eldest there was a choice - him or me. They both chose him and I've had no contact with them at all for over 5 years now as there have been no family occasions to cross paths.

Yesterday I attended a family funeral and my other brother was there. It turns out he has been NC with our violent brother for 3 years after a nasty incident.

He apologised for not being any back up at all when it kicked off. I accepted his apology and wished him well.

However he, and his wife, are seemingly quite miffed that I don't want a relationship with them. I'm just not interested. I don't beat them any ill will, but I have zero faith they won't reconcile with eldest brother and I have zero intention of risking him being around again.

Apparently I shouldn't have accepted the apology if I wasn't going to accept it "fully" - why do people think accepting an apology means everything is instantly hunky dory and there's zero impact? So bizarre imo

Of course yo aren't being unreasonable. It is entirely your choice and I can imagine you felt very betrayed when he chose your elder brother. The risk that he reconciles with elder brother will always be there, although I imagine quite minimal given it was a 'nasty' incident, but it is your choice to speak/not speak.

Because they’re not repentant about their actions. They’re just sorry about the current state of affairs.

YATR (You are totally reasonable).

An apology is good. But you don't have to jump back into the fire.

So the apology came with strings attached? that you just roll over for them and do their bidding? That's not a real apology.

Seems like he didn't mean "I'm sorry, I've realised my actions were wrong. I am taking responsibility for that and acknowledging it"

He meant "I'd like to have contact again so I'm going to use a polite phrasing to gain that. I'm sorry"

YANBU. Some people treat 'sorry' as if it's some kind of magic word which erases the past and makes everything better. Half the time they're not even sorry. If they are, it's for themselves rather than for any pain they've caused you.
They said sorry, you've accepted that they are. Job done.

Yanbu - of course you can forgive but not forget. If you’d dived into a relationship after so long then I would have said that you were being naive and wreckless and predicted conflict.
I would have said the same as you- thanks for the apology and wished them well.

Apparently I shouldn't have accepted the apology if I wasn't going to accept it "fully" - why do people think accepting an apology means everything is instantly hunky dory and there's zero impact? So bizarre imo

Because you have put a lot of work into understanding your childhood abuse and your brother has not? So you have learned to set boundries and only put the effort in to maintain relationships that you feel will be good for you in the long term.

You understand that you can see that your brother is sorry for the choices he made back then and accept that what he said that day was heart felt and sincere. However you understand that you do not need to accept him back into your life and that is your choice.

I had someone very gravely misuse me about 15 years or so ago.

About 5 years ago she collared me at a cocktail party and said she was very sorry for how she treated me. I said I was very pleased to have her apology and thanked her for it. Then she tried to contact me a few times to 'get together' and I said that although i accepted her apology, and appreciated receiving it that too much water had gone under the bridge and I I could not go back to a friendship, though I wished her well.

Well, she promptly unleashed all manner of shit against me again - defaming me to all and sundry and reminded me why I had distanced myself in the first place. The 'apology' was an attempt to manipulate me and to maybe make herself feel better but when I did not pick up the ball she merely reverted to type.

Accepting the apology means you no longer harbour ill will or resentment and no longer feel that they owe you an apology or that they don't understand the hurt they caused.

Forgiveness is important because refusing to forgive compounds the hurt and makes it greater.

Forgiveness does not require you to also trust that someone won't hurt you again. It does not require you to forget, or to reset the relationship to how it would have been if the bad stuff never happened.

You are fine to make your own choices about who it is healthy for you to have in your life.

If their apology is contingent on contact again, it’s not an apology. You’ve done nothing wrong.

You don't have to be in contact with anyone you don't want to be, regardless.

Accepting an apology doesn't mean you have to pretend the bad stuff never happened.

YANBU.

You are not unreasonable to accept an apology but not rebuild a broken relationship. I have a similar no contact with my own siblings and I would accept an apology but still want no relationship with them.

Their issue completely.
You accepted their apology but have no wish to resume contact.

Their entitlement speaks to your decision being the right one.

The trick to having a relatively free life is to ruthlessly cut out those that would bring drama to yours.

Don't give them another thought.
Continue to move forward successfully.

YANBU. The saying about 'forgiving but not forgetting' exists for a reason.

I think its fine. Accepting their apology means you dont bear them any ill will and dont wish harm on them going forward, but it doesnt wipe the slate clean and it doesnt have to. You are entitled to make a choice not to have them in your life - just as they did all those years before, the difference is that they probably cut you off with ill will and anger, whereas you are moving on in calmness and peace.

Your stance sounds healthy and reasonable to me. You bear him no ill will, you're civil, but don't care to see them and have a relationship with them. Your forgiveness doesn't erase the past.

You've done nothing wrong.

Its the classic thing that he chose the wrong person to stand by, and now they’ve fallen out too, he thinks he can fall back on you so he has some family. Life doesn’t work like that. He has already shown you what he really thinks of you by standing by your violent brother, he doesn’t get to now change his mind because it suits him.

Glad you have your boundaries in place. An apology is not like the TV licence, you pay it and get access to all the channels.

Your DB probably wants a relationship with you. And is most likely frustrated that you are not wanting contact. His apology sounds more like a manipulation to be honest seeing he is not understanding your reasons for not wanting contact.

A sincere apology would mean he would do just that, respect you and your life. But he may also just feel down that you want to keep the distance.

He's trying to manipulate you and you're exercising good boundaries.

Good that you've forgiven, better that you know not to trust him again. This is the price your brother pays for his disloyalty unfortunately. I'd be polite, warm and vague towards him forever personally and if he pushes it I'd tell exactly why he's not welcome in my inner circle ever again.

YANBU.

Thank you

I've been surrounded by wider family and a few close friends all being "oh brilliant, it'll be lovely to be back in touch again" as if my brother's belief that everything should be hunky dory was normal.

Turns out my instinct to stay clear were completely correct.

Had a very unpleasant encounter with my brother's wife yesterday in which she had a real go at me about how selfish I was as I was the only one to inherit from our Nana.

Very quickly filled her in on the reasons for that and the fact that my siblings were given their inheritances early when my Grandad died (I was only 12 so it was done that way to protect me from becoming homeless).

And when my Nana died everything was calculated to the fucking penny to balance things out.

Thankfully the funeral was the last one I will feel obliged to attend where I may come into contact with a sibling. Hopefully i should be able to live the rest of my life without encountering any of the fuckers.

Keep listening to your gut, it is there to protect you.