AIBU Looking After Child

Elsa24 · 2025-04-04T10:52:42+00:00

Hello, I’ve admired the thoughts and opinions of you all for a while, now is my turn to ask in respect to my own situation. For context, I have a job which requires me to travel somewhere in Europe once or twice a month, for a maximum of three nights. When I do, my husband stays at home with my son (his step-son). My son is fourteen and I always leave cooked meals for them both, all the washing done etc. I was away this week and got a call from my son, he has attempted to shave for the first time and cut himself. He was quite upset. I asked where my husband was and my son said he was out, but hadn’t said where he was going. I messaged my husband and explained the situation. I then added that of course, it’s absolutely fine to go out but I would prefer it if he told my son where he was going, just in case there was an emergency. My husband came home and reminded my son that he had told him where he’d gone (the shop), and that’s where he’d been for the last 2 hours. When I spoke to my husband later that night, he didn’t mention anything and neither did I, as all was sorted. Two days later, my son brought the shaving incident up again and also casually mentioned he was concerned as to why my husband was gone for 2 hours at the shop. It then occurred to me that was weird so I called my husband and calmly asked where he went for 2 hours that night. He said he met with a friend at the pub on the way back. Again, not a problem but I reiterated that I’d prefer it if he told my son that, so he knows where he is in an emergency. Subsequently my husband is angry and going mad, telling me I’m controlling and I don’t trust him, which is not the case. He sent me screenshots of the transaction at the pub and the calls to his (male) friend to prove it - which I didn’t ask for. I’d like to add, I do not stop my husband going out with friends, I have a healthy social life outside my marriage too. The only time I suggested he might not meet a friend was when he spontaneously said he was going out, and I was due to fly to NY for work in 3 hours time. He’s never let me live that down either. Am I being controlling?

Justme2023123 · 04/04/2025 11:56

I think it's fair that if you're leaving the house you tell anyone at home where you're going. Especially if the person at home is under 18. However, what was stopping your son from messaging your husband directly and asking when he would be back as he needed help?

Lavender14 · 04/04/2025 12:02

I hate to say it op but sometimes people with guilty conscience can deflect onto others. Do you trust your dh and are there any other signs of sneaky behaviour or lying about where he is? Any concerns about his use of alcohol?

I think it's unreasonable to go out and not tell the child you're leaving at home where you are incase there is an emergency so yes your dh is in the wrong here. My question is why he's missing that point so broadly and immediately jumping to why you'd suspect an affair when that's not remotely what you've done.

Ablondiebutagoody · 04/04/2025 12:02

Yes. By analysing his movements and asking him to account for stuff that you consider to be "weird", you are being controlling. So what if he went to the shop, pub, wherever. He's allowed to do that without facing an interrogation from you. Doesn't matter that your interrogation is delivered calmly.

Aaron95 · 04/04/2025 12:07

YABU. Your son is 14 and presumably has your husband's number in case of an emergency.

At age 14 I highly doubt your son tells you exactly where he is every moment he is out of the house.

KarmenPQZ · 04/04/2025 12:56

It sounds like your son is shit stirring and insinuating your DH is having an affair. Mumsnet can’t answer how likely that is on the info you’ve given

HoskinsChoice · 04/04/2025 15:14

Why does your son need to know where he is? If your DH has his mobile with him and is contactable, it makes absolutely no difference where he is. Your son is a child and your husband is an adult. He is not accountable to your child.

Smallmercies · 04/04/2025 15:23

HoskinsChoice · 04/04/2025 15:14

Why does your son need to know where he is? If your DH has his mobile with him and is contactable, it makes absolutely no difference where he is. Your son is a child and your husband is an adult. He is not accountable to your child.

He is 100% accountable to a child he is sole carer for!! I'd never ever g out without telling my 15-year-old where I was going.

Smallmercies · 04/04/2025 15:36

Justme2023123 · 04/04/2025 11:56

I think it's fair that if you're leaving the house you tell anyone at home where you're going. Especially if the person at home is under 18. However, what was stopping your son from messaging your husband directly and asking when he would be back as he needed help?

Maybe his stepfather doesn't make him feel safe or cared for. No wonder really if he keeps buggering off to the pub.

Original poster

Elsa24 · 04/04/2025 15:37

This is why I came on here as I am conflicting with myself. On one hand I get that - DH is an adult, he doesn’t have to answer to anyone. It doesn’t matter if he’s at the shop or at the pub.

Then I wonder about common courtesy and manners. I believe that it’s polite to tell your partner and children where you are going when you leave the house. It’s not about being tracked, it’s just courtesy.

If I went out for a walk and bumped into a friend, resulting in the pub, I would chuck my husband and son a text to let them know. Do I have to? No. Is it courtesy? Yes.

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Smallmercies · 04/04/2025 15:37

OP is your husband stepping up in other ways? Does he look after your son well? Are they good friends? Could it be that your husband doesn't really care and does the bare minimum in your absence?

Smallmercies · 04/04/2025 15:39

Elsa24 · 04/04/2025 15:37

This is why I came on here as I am conflicting with myself. On one hand I get that - DH is an adult, he doesn’t have to answer to anyone. It doesn’t matter if he’s at the shop or at the pub.

Then I wonder about common courtesy and manners. I believe that it’s polite to tell your partner and children where you are going when you leave the house. It’s not about being tracked, it’s just courtesy.

If I went out for a walk and bumped into a friend, resulting in the pub, I would chuck my husband and son a text to let them know. Do I have to? No. Is it courtesy? Yes.

Actually I think it does matter - if I tell my teenager I'm going to the shop, that's where I go. If the pub gets added on I'll let him know.

Obvnotthegolden · 04/04/2025 15:49

Two days later, my son brought the shaving incident up again and also casually mentioned he was concerned as to why my husband was gone for 2 hours at the shop.

Why did your son bring it up again? Because it looks like he wasn't finished telling about it, and I'd wonder why. Someone mentioned shit stirring, do they normally get along?

BakelikeBertha · 04/04/2025 15:52

My initial thought was that as long as your DS has your DH's number, then he doesn't need to know where he is, but then I thought about it a bit more, and found myself wondering what would happen if there's an emergency, and your DH has accidentally put his phone on silent, and doesn't hear a call for help, or his phone dies, or he loses it, or has it stolen. So now I think it IS unreasonable of your DH not to tell your son where he is.

Original poster

Elsa24 · 04/04/2025 15:52

Obvnotthegolden · 04/04/2025 15:49

Two days later, my son brought the shaving incident up again and also casually mentioned he was concerned as to why my husband was gone for 2 hours at the shop.

Why did your son bring it up again? Because it looks like he wasn't finished telling about it, and I'd wonder why. Someone mentioned shit stirring, do they normally get along?

In fairness, I’ve phrased this wrong. We were talking about the shaving, I asked if he wanted a different razor, gels and stuff. I then said why didn’t he phone DH to pick him something up from the shop. My son said DH had been gone an hour at this point so he didn’t bother, thinking he was on his way home, however DH didn’t get back for another hour so he probably could have called and asked.

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Original poster

Elsa24 · 04/04/2025 15:55

BakelikeBertha · 04/04/2025 15:52

My initial thought was that as long as your DS has your DH's number, then he doesn't need to know where he is, but then I thought about it a bit more, and found myself wondering what would happen if there's an emergency, and your DH has accidentally put his phone on silent, and doesn't hear a call for help, or his phone dies, or he loses it, or has it stolen. So now I think it IS unreasonable of your DH not to tell your son where he is.

This was my mindset and exactly what I said to DH. If there was an emergency, my son needs to know where you are. You, or he, may not be in a position to communicate on the phone so he needs to be able to tell another adult where you are, and when you’re due back.

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BaronessEllarawrosaurus · 04/04/2025 16:14

Parent to a 13yo here and yes I'd always update as to my location if something happened and I'd be gone longer than expected. 1 question if he randomly ran into the friend and popped to the pub why the phone call to him?

Dh is currently working abroad and even he keeps me fully updated as to his whereabouts, it's just what you do.

Original poster

Elsa24 · 04/04/2025 16:22

BaronessEllarawrosaurus · 04/04/2025 16:14

Parent to a 13yo here and yes I'd always update as to my location if something happened and I'd be gone longer than expected. 1 question if he randomly ran into the friend and popped to the pub why the phone call to him?

Dh is currently working abroad and even he keeps me fully updated as to his whereabouts, it's just what you do.

Sorry, I was just giving an analogy of a situation.

My husband went to the shop and then spoke to his friend on the way back to meet up. He might have already known that he was meeting the friend before he went. I can’t ask anymore questions as I’m “controlling”.

The reason why I asked my DH for more information is that when he arrived back home to my son, he said to my son “you know I was going to the shop, I told you before I went”. He didn’t say “sorry mate, I decided to meet a friend so was a bit later”. I felt it was a bit of a lie to my son, and that’s what made me suspicious.

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Freshflower · 04/04/2025 16:41

I don't think you are controlling at all. Your husband should have said to your son, I'm just goung to the shop I will be back in a few hours. It doesn't sound like he just went to the shop and bumped I to a friend and went to the pub. Why did he have to call him if he bumped into him?? To say to your son aswell you know I told you.....in that case if he had told your son , he should have text and said I bumped into a mate and just having a few as if he really had told your son he was going to the shop he'd be aware he was taking longer than expected so he'd have thought to say he'd be back later. It could all seem innocent but I think there is a few porkies in there somewhere

BaronessEllarawrosaurus · 04/04/2025 16:48

Elsa24 · 04/04/2025 16:22

Sorry, I was just giving an analogy of a situation.

My husband went to the shop and then spoke to his friend on the way back to meet up. He might have already known that he was meeting the friend before he went. I can’t ask anymore questions as I’m “controlling”.

The reason why I asked my DH for more information is that when he arrived back home to my son, he said to my son “you know I was going to the shop, I told you before I went”. He didn’t say “sorry mate, I decided to meet a friend so was a bit later”. I felt it was a bit of a lie to my son, and that’s what made me suspicious.

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I'd be suspicious too. I don't know it all feels very contrived and I've got to say I'd be wondering if the phone call was a deliberate alibi

Smallmercies · 04/04/2025 16:50

I'm also wondering, why can't your husband cook or do the laundry? Why must you leave pre-prepared meals?

Original poster

Elsa24 · 04/04/2025 17:06

Smallmercies · 04/04/2025 16:50

I'm also wondering, why can't your husband cook or do the laundry? Why must you leave pre-prepared meals?

I feel guilty going away and leaving my son for him to look after, so I pre-cook meals to ensure they eat properly and there’s no dramas. I do the washing so there’s nothing for him to do, as again I feel guilty.

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Largestlegocollectionever · 04/04/2025 17:10

You’re being controlling. I’d be super pissed off being told I have to explain to a 14 year of step child I’m looking after what my every move is.

Smallmercies · 04/04/2025 17:28

Elsa24 · 04/04/2025 17:06

I feel guilty going away and leaving my son for him to look after, so I pre-cook meals to ensure they eat properly and there’s no dramas. I do the washing so there’s nothing for him to do, as again I feel guilty.

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And why doesn't your husband say, don't be silly, I'm an adult, we'll be fine? Why does he do nothing to assuage your guilt? How do he and your son get on normally? From what you've written, I wouldn't be surprised if your husband ignored him totally while you were away.