What happens if you have a party and the parent needs to stay

[TheMauveZebra]

I'm a single mum not by choice and I'm part of a single parent group

We were discussing parties and I said it can get complicated as siblings want to come, people don't turn up.

The group owner went of at me saying I should understand as a single mum and how little support she has and that siblings should basically be allowed to go to parties.

I think that's very much CF and then people started chirping in.

So if you have a party, invite one sibling, should the other be automatically invited because the mum has no support?

This woman has no support from her boys father, her own mum doesn't seem around etc.

Do to party dynamics and 2 CF that dumped kids - no RSVP no card or present for bday child- then picked up late with no contact for parents.

Next year invites are going out with a time and date. Once I get an RSVP I will give location. Mainly so I have contact numbers for mums.
I have wrote on invites over the years no siblings allowed.
She'd hate me 😎

I forgot to add as well that the main CFers I’ve encountered over the years aren’t the single parents. They are the ones in couples where the whole family wants to come to the party as if it’s a fun day out. Or where a mum asks to bring both kids to a party because the dad just HAS to go out on his bike at that exact time to avoid looking after a child on his own…

I always ask if they want parents staying (or in the case of my youngest, I ask if I can stay because she doesn’t like to be left) and if so, whether I can bring the sibling and offer to pay entry/food for them. Generally parents have been happy to have both my kids attend (and they’d rather that than us decline the invite).

I have also thrown kids’ parties and wouldn’t be offended by someone asking - realistically I’d only say no if it was a party with a maximum capacity or something - but we don’t tend to have whole class parties so I know the families pretty well.

I didn’t think this was super controversial but I have seen posts on mumsnet that regard even asking if you can bring the sibling as CF behaviour though so it’s clearly a minefield.

Yeah this. It's a kids party, not a wedding. If you are a single parent and many of your children's friends are also single parents, doesn't it make sense to have flexible party set ups that can cater for the odd sibling/s if needed?

Otherwise just specify on the invites how this issue can be managed eg "sorry, cannot accommodate siblings due to xyz / pls feel free to drop and run / you are welcome to book siblings in yourself if childcare is an issue".

These are your friends, everyone struggles sometimes, why the angst

I think she's being a cf to expect siblings to be automatically invited.

I'm also a lone parent and I wouldn't expect this - her attitude is maybe a bit entitled even if her overall point isn't wrong. If it was an issue that came up and I had no childcare for one child then I'd contact the parent and explain that ds would love to come but this is my issue and ask if I could bring the second child and cover any costs for them like bringing them their own food and cost of any activity. If that didn't suit the parent then I'd accept that and gracefully decline the invite and do something nice with my kids instead. I think most people are understanding when approached quietly about it but when people just land with siblings then that's different. I wouldn't leave a small child with people I didn't know well but that's my personal preference as a parent.

Parties are not nursery or childminders it is not the hosts fault you can't arrange childcare

Yes, this. I know which of both of my daughters friends will struggle to bring just 1 due to being a single parent, and on the invite I write 'X is also welcome, let me know if they are coming or doing something else that day'.

But there are a few CF parents who messaged only a few hours before my youngests last party 'I will be bringing my other 3 children as my DH is going to pub to watch the footie'. Not 'can i' but 'I will'. And these 3 older siblings then proceeded to eat their way through cupcakes they found in a kitchen next to the hall we had the party in, so there wasn't enough for my daughters friends, and to make it even worse, they took bites out of several of them and left rest to 'see which was the best flavour'. I was pissed, and they will definitely not be invited this year.

Have you explicitly asked parents if they are staying? My DD is six and we’ve never had a drop off party here. I wouldn’t think to mention that I’d be staying, as that’s the automatic assumption here

It's pretty much the same group of kids that all go to each other's parties and the parents never usually stay. About half of them live in our building though.

I have had to take both in some soft play parties. I pay the other one. Once older one got invited to the party food section. Probably some someone had dropped out.

Of course siblings shouldn't automatically be invited...but I would have some compassion for a parent (single or not) who has no other option if it meant the originally invited child wouldn't be able to go.
I regularly have siblings as DS's parties for a few reasons. I usually know the parents and other child so happy to accommodate as long as there is no expectation they get a party bag/pay for their not invited child place/not catering for the non invited child.

I don't get parents staying parties are for kids it's only a couple of hours they'll be fine and no to siblings or parents that try and guilt others into saying yes to them

It depends if there is a cost involved for an additional child.
With dd - if it was a party at a hall then fine, they can come and stay (may not get a party bag though if not enough time) but if it was somewhere toy pat per person then I’m sorry but no.

Would you not just say to come and let them pay for themselves? Completely appreciate not hosts role to pay for extras but I don’t think parents want the child paid for, they just want them to be able to come if they can’t find childcare!
I generally have a few extra party bags/treats to hand so they are there if anyone extra turns up (nothing expensive!)

We didn’t do big birthday parties until they started school when I wouldn’t expect parents to stay. Invitations were sent out with the comment - sorry no siblings.

I can see how that could happen, but if parent is staying, I would think it’s up to them to direct their child appropriately and thankfully hasn’t happened to me! I think when parents are staying they take responsibility- would be very different if they wanted to drop a sibling!

Depends on whether you trust the other parent to mind your kids?! I know some lovely people that I’m happy to have my kids mix with but I wouldn’t leave my children with them because they’re quite scatty. Or maybe child has some extra needs or is just a little anxious? Depending on the age - lots of reasons I can think of!

My son’s birthday is shortly because Christmas. We never had mums staying as they all loved a couple of hours to do Christmas shopping, whilst their child was being entertained!

I think it’s cheeky to assume a sibling can come (unless a baby) .

It is cheeky to assume a sibling can just attend. I do think it depends on age and venue though. If it's a child who is old enough to be left and simply a case that the parent wants a younger sibling to join in then that doesn't seem fair. If the party is in a public venue where the parent pays for the sibling to stay (soft play for example) then fair enough. However I do feel having a sibling around can ruin it for the invited child. Unless there are other siblings they know then it is likely that they will harass the children at the party and want to join in, meaning the child invited to the party doesn't get to enjoy the time with their friends and has to share the event with their sibling.

Also to add if a parent replies asking if a sibling can attend and explains why (perhaps they are a single parent, unable to leave an older child etc) then that also makes a difference in terms of politeness.

this sibling at a party scenario is this classic mumsnet drift into extreme opinion that just does not reflect what I have ever seen in real life.

in my experience of years of kids parties most people really really don't get that worked up about siblings at parties. People understand that life is tougher for some parents, they also understand some 4/5/6 yr olds might want mum with them.

not a big deal.

I wouldn't expect anyone to take a sibling unless it was the sort of party where the parent is expected to stay too. As a single mother I couldn't stay without the other DC. Also, I wouldn't drop and go for a child under school age, after that, it very much depends on the child. Probably frowned upon these days but at parties for my DC (at mine and friends houses) there was always wine and adult nibbles on hand for those adults that chose to stay, as extra help was always welcome.

If it was a standard church hall type party I would happily allow siblings to come but I wouldn’t provide a party bag for them. I always over cater with food anyway. I would rather people turn up to my dc party than not have anyone there because people are struggling with childcare for a sibling. The more the merrier. Most people hopefully wouldn’t be in that position.
Bit different if it’s a pay per head soft play party or something like that but then I guess the parents would obviously realise only the invited child would be paid for.